considering home insemination with husband and niece

[gamechic]

I am new to this site and I posted this on another thread and thought maybe this would be a good place, too.

I am 35 years old and married. I learned I was infertile in 1996. I had an ectopic in Aug. '96, lost my right tube. Then three months later had a miscarriage. Then found out I stopped ovulating and had a tubal plasty to clear my left tube. We tried for six years (on and off) with Clomid to get pregnant with no luck. For the past five years we haven't done any treatments but have check into IVF and adoption, both are to expensive for us to do. So we haven't done anything.

About a month ago, out of the blue, my 18 year old niece comes to me and says she wants to have a child for me and my husband. I told her it is to expensive for us to do artificial insemination. She said she new of a lesbian girl that got pregnant using her girlfriend's brother semen to get pregnant and they did it at home. Then the brother gave up his parental rights to the mother. I asked her what exactly is she wanting to do and she said she wants to do a home insemination with my husband and then when the baby is born give up her parental rights and let me adopt the child.

My first instinct is to jump at the chance to have a child, but I don't even know if this is legal or if she would be able to give up a child that is biologically hers. She says that she can do it because she knows that she will get to see the child and be a big part of its life. I told her to think about it for a while and talk to people that she trusts to get their opinions.

She did talk to her friends and it has been a month and she came to me two days ago and said she still wants to do it.

So, I guess I want to know is this wrong. Should I except her offer? Should I put her through this? I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP!!!!

Hi Gamechic -

Your niece is offering, amazingly, to be a gestational surrogate for you. What a generous girl! This is legal but it's a huge undertaking for all involved. You should look into your options and be sure to talk it through before going ahead with medical procedures.

Here's a good resource for you:

http://www.surromomsonline.com/

Also, I recommend that you look up fertility counselors in your area. It would be a great idea for you, your DH and your niece to talk to a counselor who specializes in helping people deal with situations like this.

I'm pregnant with twins thanks to egg donation from a family member. Fertility counseling really helped us with the process.

I hope it can work out for you!

Best,
Kat

[BC-MAV]

Well I think with family it is kind of tricky. Counseling would be in order for everyone to explore your feelings and make sure that it is the right thing to do for everyone. Psychological screening is important. Also one thing that would be a major concern for me is that your neice has never been pregnant so you don't know if she is prone to gestational diabetes, c section, or if she would have horrible nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. She has no pregnancy history. You don't know if she is even fertile. I think it's best to go with someone that has experrience pregnancy and parenting. I know that those 2 things were one of the MANY things recquired of a surrogate. Because if someone has been pregnant they know how they feel and they love it and don't mind doing it for someone else and also if they have parented a child then they have experienced that and are less likely to want to keep a child. If you go with your neice this would be her 1st pregnancy, 1st childbirth, 1st child. I think I would back away personally.

[thebrg]

I agree with Mav ...I would be scared she wouldn't be able to give it up. It is one thing to say yes she would, but another thing to actually do it. I wanted to ask my sister to be my surrogate through IVF, but I never asked for the same reasons. She has never been pregnant and I couldn't imagine her being able to give up her "first born" or even have that be her first experience being pregnant. Also, it would be something that I think would need some sort of contract, hence lawyer equally more fees that you might as well do IVF.

[TreeHugger]

I'm surprised any doctor would let you try Clomid on and off for six years. He wasted six of your most fertile years.

If it were me, I'd explore IVF before giving up on having a genetic child at the young age of 35. I'm sure you realize you could be in for some major emotional upheaval and possibly heartache if things go awry.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

[tee_n_kev]

There is A LOT to consider.. You asked a question, "Is this wrong" Do you feel it is wrong? Right off the cuff, that is the answer you have to determine. There are judgemental people all over the place and if in your heart this is not feeling good to you then I wouldn't do it. Is it legal, Yes.. But, you have to check the states and make sure you are in a surrogate friendly state. I agree with everyone else, I am concerned about the fact that your niece has not had a child of her own yet.. What if she loses her fertility this pregnancy?? Not likely, but it is possible, is she willing to risk that? We are doing something very similar, so please DO NOT think I am judging you, I'm not.. I just want you to think about everything. CONTRACTS CONTRACT CONTRACT.. I cannot stess this enough!! Go about this legally and protect yourself. You are also protecting her, there is something about signing a piece of paper that helps this feel like a binding agreement, and it may give her the separation that she needs. That being said, I still fear for her simply because she hasn't had that birthing experience for herself and cannot know what it is like to have a baby placed in her arms and imagine being able to hand that child over. The last thing I am going to suggest, Since your niece is young.. and your niece, I would not do insems at home. We are going through and RE, because I want to be able to say yes, we did this but there was nothing that could be considered "icky" about it. We wanted to keep things as clinical as possible so my DH and I could say, "yes, we were there.. but we did nothing questionable."

People are so very judgemental.. protect your heart, protect your niece.. and if you are feeling some red flags then please walk away... If you decide this is the path for you, then I wish you the very best!!!

[BC-MAV]

I missed the Clomid on and off for 6 years. I always heard that if after 3 to 6 non consecutive cycles of Clomid if you don't get pregnant then it's time to move on to other things. I don't know if you know it but taking Clomid for a period of time it can thin your uterine linings. It can also cause cysts that will disappear in time. Now maybe your told your Dr. that IVF was too expensive so perhaps that's why you did Clomid for so long. But I would think that an experienced RE would suggest moving on to IVF so that you can see what quality your eggs are and how they fertilize. It's the only way to know what's going on in your body... to have everything in the dish so to speak. It is expensive so perhaps that's why you are considering the donor egg with your neice. Donor egg is not as expensive as surrogacy. You may want to look into that or perhaps a shared cyle with an egg donor. It's tempting but if you truly have doubts with your niece don't do it. Good luck in your quest!

[BC-donor]

Hi & welcome!
I want to first address the part where you asked if this is legal or not. What your niece is offering to do is to be a Traditional Surrogate for you. A TS is where the surrogate uses her own eggs; a Gestational Surrogate is someone who has absolutely no genetic link to the child because the eggs are from either the Mom, or from a donor. Surrogacy is legal in some states, but in some states you can get hefty fines and/or go to jail for doing surrogacy.

One of the biggest red flags for me about your situation is that your niece is ONLY 18 years old. Most 18 yr old's are extremely immature to be making such an incredibly mature decision. The other thing that really bothered me about her offer was that she says she'd be ok with giving the baby up because she'd be able to see it & be a big part of the baby's life. Do you really want to have that close of a relationship with her? I mean, she's your niece, so of course you have a good relationship with her, but do you want her having a big part in YOUR child's life??? Would you always worry that she's thinking of the baby as being hers? Would she feel that she has a right to have a say in how you raise your child??

The fact that she's never been pregnant before doesn't bother me too much, but the other things I mentioned are HUGE to me! When we considered whether we wanted to ask someone we knew to be our donor or if we wanted an anonymous egg donor, we always feared that someone we knew would always feel as though our child was really theirs.

I know that your niece said that she still wants to do it, but I really think that there would need to be some Psychological screening done (which is pretty standard when entering into a surrogacy arrangement), as well as counseling before you do anything with her. Her talking to her 18 yr old friends, who have the same maturity level, really don't make for a good group of people to help her think through this type of decision.

I know that your heart aches for a baby & that the idea is very enticing, however, I just don't think that an 18 year old is capable of truly understanding the depth of this type of decision. Even a mature 18 year old would leave me WAY too uncomfortable. If it were me, I'd have to decline her offer.

Have you considered doing Donor Embryo's? That is a much cheaper alternative to doing a fresh cycle. You could do donor eggs, but as a shared cycle, as BC-MAV suggested, so that you'd be sharing the costs of the cycle with someone else & you'd share the eggs retrieved from the donor.

Please, let us know what you decide to do. This whole thing can feel so overwhelming, so please know that we're all here to help walk you through this stuff!!

[gamechic]

thank you all so much for your thoughts. i have alot to consider. i will let you all know what happens.

[BC-donor]

Please know that we're thinking about you. Let us know when you have something to update about, ok?