how to move on (ch ment)

[baby#2]

I am trying to come to terms with the facts right now. To make a long story short..I have a DS conceived through IF txs. We have been trying for another child basically since DS was born. I have borderline FSH, premature ovarian failure, and low ovarian reserve. We switched to a new RE who agreed to proceed with IVF with 2 or 3 follicles. Well we attempted that since last July and finally got there this cycle. I had 2 great follies a 22 and a 19.7 E2 was 578 when I went in for the ER. When I woke up the Dr was standing there and said the follies were empty and there were no eggs. I talked to my own RE later in the day. He feels that my eggs were such poor quality and never matured and never released from the follicle wall. He gave us a 1% chance of having a live birth with my eggs.
I do have one biological child and I am so grateful for my miracle. But I am so so so sad that I will never have a child with my own eggs ever again. DH and I are beyond devestated right now. There is really no way to put into words how we are feeling right now. I cannot stop crying and cannot even talk to anyone about this without losing it. The RE said that DE would be our only option. And yes we are considering it all but as you know the costs are just so high.
I guess I am just looking for advice on how to mourn the loss of my own eggs. I am only 38 years old and this is not supposed to happen yet.

[TreeHugger]

I'm so sorry to read about all you've been through. You are right when you say it's not supposed to happen at 38yo. I got the DE talk when I was 35, and it seemed so unfair. I know how devastating it is.

It's amazing what time does. I thought there was no way I would ever even consider DE, that I'd rather be childless, that it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I went through the stages of grief ... denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Honestly, a big part of my acceptance was reading the stories posted on this board, after I posted a thread like this one.

I hope time does for you what it did for me. The one positive part is that although it takes so long to save money for a DE cycle, it takes that long to accept the idea and to choose a donor, so it all comes together. Go give DS a big hug, and give yourself and DH lots of time to come to terms with this.

Best wishes,
Jennifer
(starting DE cycle in May)

[EbonyPrncess1]

My heart goes out to you Baby#2. So many of us can relate to what you are going through, and it truly is a process that you have to go through to mourn the loss of your own eggs. Nothing in this world can prepared you for this type of loss. I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug.

As I was reading your story it felt as if I were reading my own story. I was diagnose with a severe tubal factor when I was 26 years old. I was devasted to say the least. I remember driving home hardly being able to see because I cried all the way home and continued to cry once I got there. I did all of my research and jumped head first into the world of IF. When I was 30 turning 31 I was told I had a high FSH and a low ovarian reserve. Another blow, just like you, I had to come to terms with this.

DE is a huge step, but for my DH and I, it was step in the right direction and a step closer to finally becoming parents. Just think about it long and hard and do your research so that you and your DH can make the best decision for you. Also look into the Capital One Health loan. I hear the rates are really reasonable. http://www.capitalonehealthcarefinance.com/

TreeHugger is so right about time healing your wounds. There are so many wonderful woman on here to help you through this journey, so don't ever feel like you and DH are alone in this. You will be in my prayers.

Big Hugs,

[bhk]

Baby #2 ~ I am so sorry you had to come to this point. It is such a horrible thing to have happen. I was a 34 year old with wonderful numbers when I entered the world of IF. After one treatment (IUI) from an incompetent doctor I lost my left tube and ovary and had my right tube blocked. Due to the loss of my ovary I developed high FSH and was told nothing could be done. It took over a year to deal with this knowledge. I remember sitting in the new RE's office completely hysterical saying how it was all the other doctor's fault....

What I have learned through this board is it has been unfair to all of us. Thankfully we have each other to talk to and to try and get through this. I think that Jennifer and EP have given you great advice. It is expensive and will take a long time to save for it. However, if you start saving now (just in case you choose to use DE) you may have enough money by the time you are ready to make the "jump".

I know this is a horrible and lonely place to be. My donor will be having her ER sometime this week and I am still angry. In fact, my lovely mother (who knows I suffer from IF), decided to share with me today how ANOTHER one of her friends daughters just had a baby. I get so **** ANGRY at the world whenever someone else has "their own" baby. BUT, I have read how so many of the women on this board say they never think about the child not being "theirs". I think this is because YOU take the pregnancy test, YOU feel the first kick, YOU give birth and breast feed.

I wish you weren't going through this. I know it isn't easy but we are hear to listen as you move through this phase of your life.

Take care. You'll be in my prayers.

bhk

[baby#2]

Thank you so much ladies for the support and kind words. Hugs to all of you for what you are going through also. DH and I decided this weekend to go ahead with the donor egg process. We have money to pay for it (well not really....but we have investments)...that we were using as a savings. But DH said today that money is not everything and we will regret not doing it later. At the moment I am really ok with this, sad of course because I cannot use my own eggs. But honestly my goal is another baby and a sibling for DS. So if it means using DE...I am all for it. As bhk said...I will be the one pregnant, giving birth, and breastfeeding this child. To me that is all that matters and I so wanted the chance to be pregnant again. The thought of never having another baby is a place I do not want to be..now or ever!
Today is the first day I did not cry over the loss of my eggs. I feel like we have hope again and do not have that terrible sad feeling with me. The mood in our house is greatly improved and DH and I feel like a weight has been lifted.
I know I will be back here looking for support as no one understands this unless you have been there. I know I will have days where I feel sad over the loss of my eggs. But I know there is no hope there and I feel very happy about our decision.

[BC-MAV]

I'm glad you arrived at this point and are comfortable that you don't need your own eggs and you just want baby #2. We have a DS with our own biology and when we wanted #2 my FSH was not high, no POV, just took so long with baby #1 and our genetics plus a surrogate that it seemed a variable change was in order. DH finally was comfortable with DE. We went through 1 donor and 2 SM's and no succcess even though the ED was proven. We then went with a 1st time donor and a 1st time SM who had 2 young boys with her DH. The 1st time was the charm. The result is in my avatar.... our 2nd boy! We have frozen embryos and are trying to find a couple in CA where the embryos are stored. I wish you luck. Look forward to another child that you will love just as much and revel in the fact that your child will have a sibling. (I am an only so it was important for us to have 2 kids) Good luck in your journey!!!

[wendy3223]

I am so sorry for the loss of using your own ovaries...I am 27 years old and currently pg. with twins conceived with donor Eggs. I was told at 25 that my eggs would never produce a live child. Talk about too young for that news! But DH and I came to the exceptance level, and now I am loving these little ones as if they were made by me. I am growing them, they are abusing my insides, and I am the only Mommy they will ever know!

I understand that the blow of having to use DE can be heartbreaking from an emotional and financial point of view, but I have to agree with your DH, that you will regret it later if you don't give it a shot!

Best of luck to you, Please keep the board updated on your progress!

[BC-donor]

I was just 22 when I found out that I have premature ovarian failure & I'd only been married a few months. We were completely devastated to hear that our only hope of me ever being pg was to use DE. You're right, we should never have to hear those words at such young ages.

It took us many years to come to terms with the path that we had to take to have kids, but once we finally realized that it didn't make any difference who the eggs came from, there was NO looking back for us. We're done cycling now, but have never once thought about using a donor again. Those are my kids & the ONLY time I EVER think about having used DE to have them, is when I'm here talking about it.

Good luck to you!!