how did Dh react to DS

wanting baby · 10-22-2007, 04:42 PM

can some of you please share your experinces of how your husband/partner responded to using Donor sperm at first. Any sucess stories?

want2bmomee · 10-22-2007, 06:06 PM

My DH was pretty apprehensive at first. He was pretty mad and upset at first (which is understandable when you find out you will never father a biological child

He kept saying how he thought he didn't know how he would feel about the child. Didn't know if he could love it as his own etc.... BUT... those feelings didn't last long for him. He became at peace with it, and then in the process of choosing a donor, he started getting really excited! He just loves everything about the donor we picked, and thinks hes a lot like himself. I think that eased a lot of his concerns.

As of now, hes estatically waiting for me to get preg.

As of just yet, I don't have a sucess story... I'm still working on it

I had 2 unsuccessful natural IUI's. I am now in the 2ww of my 3rd DIUI. This time I took clomid and did a trigger. Hopefully the 3rd times a charm!

GinaB · 10-23-2007, 05:53 AM

Hi Wanting,

Dh and I have a 14 month old DD from ds, and are expecting #2 in May. (from the same donor) Initially dh was dead set against using ds. He was diagnosed with severe male factor IF, and our options were to adopt or use ds. We researched both, and I had to really encourage him to even look at ds. Once he learned more about the screening process for donors and found out how much info you really get on the donor he became more comfortable with it. We even spoke to our priest about our IF journey and thoughts on using ds. He gave us the green light (which was one of dh's reservations). Slowly, dh accepted the idea and when it came to choosing a donor he wanted to be the one to select the donor. We chose sime similiar characteristics (hair/eye color/education level/personality traits) between dh and the donor. Dh did admit during the pg he hoped he would bond well with the baby once she was born. When she was born, he bonded with her immediately and she is definitely a daddy's girl. He's very hands on with her, and loves her to death. Its funny, because many people will comment on how much she looks like dh, which she really does. Dh also belongs to a yahoo group called DIDads, for men who children from ds, and has found it to helpful and supportive.

I wish you all the best, and if you have any questions feel free to ask

Gina

bebeblues · 10-23-2007, 06:55 AM

Hi there,
My DH was great about DS. He was reluctant at first until his sperm failed us over 4 IVF cycles and then he began to be comfy with the idea after watching me suffer thru heartache after heartache. i let him help me pick out a donor. We did not do photo matching, but chose a donor w/ similar characteristics. He has been nothing but supportive since that time. he does still make comments about how he doesn't even really need to be there for the inseminations, so I know there is hurt there still. But ultimately, he said he just wants me to be happy and he wants to be a father and realizes that this may be our only route top make that dream come true. One book we both read was "Helping the Stork" and it really helped us to understand the pros and cons of DI. I have always been the one taking charge of our IF and trts, so he just comes along for the ride and was there for my first 2 insems (1 cycle back2back). No success yet, but I'll let you know if I do in about 26 days or so. I just started IUI cycle #2 today.

Bebe

msshino · 10-25-2007, 04:18 PM

We are in the search for donor sperm and it hasn't been easy. I have been driving the search only because I am so tired of our IUIs not working. My dh has male factor so our only options were IVF/ICSI or use donor sperm. We tried the IVF and got pregnant but miscarried. So we are now trying IUIs with Dh sperm and hoping for a miracle but on the other hand, honestly, I have been searching for a donor and I got my dh to help me.
I know it must be really hard to use ds for both parties but it's this or adopt. My dh would adopt as well but I don't think I'm ready to give up on having a baby and experiencing pregnancy. I spoke to some mothers and they did not enjoy their pregnancies, so they told me to skip it and just adopt. easy for them to say when they already had the chance to have a baby and all.
So all in all, I think it's all timing and when both parties are ready to move on and try DS. I'll keep trying the IUI's if Dh wants me to but I hope to move onto donor soon. I just get so tired of this IF thing.
I was watching TLC last night and saw a young lady suffering from leukimia and she wanted children. She said the cancer has been hard on her but it would really hurt her if she couldn't have children. I thought this sums up how devastating this IF can be.

Baby dust to you all.

Shino

Goodthingscome · 11-25-2007, 02:05 AM

HI Wanting,

Initaially my DH reacted pretty much as could be expected. He was angry and hurt and couldnt belive this had happened to him and to us. He felt as though he had failed me and asked me if I wanted a divorce. They were very trying times to say the least. However DH actually came around to the idea in a very short time and from the minute he decided to go that route he was nothing but 100% focussedd and passionate.

It was quite weird actually beacuse if you had seen us at an U/S or something when we were pg. and had to pick which one of us had gone donor you would have sworn it was me!!! But thats my personality.

I truly believe that once you guys are pg and certainly once the baby is here all this will be forgotten for the most part, we harly think about it now. We have only ecently began discussing it all again because we are thinking of trying for #2 nexy year.

I wish you and you DH all the peace joy and happiness possible in a time like this and above everything remember to talk to each other. Become rocks for each other and also have your own camps where you can go and vent to. That helped me a great deal beacuse I was also so hurt and angry but it was about the situation not him and having somewher to go and off load was the best bit of advice I could give.

Vicky

decbrowneyes · 11-27-2007, 10:25 AM

DH was reluctant at first. After 2 failed attems at IUI using his "boys", I brought it up again. He gave me the go ahead to start researching and we are now expecting our 1st in 13 days (due Dec 10th)!

We decided in the beginning that we wouldn't share this information with family or friends. He never brought it up again.

It melts my heart when he talks about the baby...

Wishing you the best!

Mindy

mmi · 11-29-2007, 06:53 AM

My dh and I were both extremely reluctant to do donor. We only went that route after three exhausting years of trying and spending over $30,000 out of pocket. When I got pregnant with donor, there was no party.... believe me.. it was more "see, I knew it was my fault" from him. I worried that we had made a HUGE mistake. The second our baby girl was born though, it was instant love and he became Mr. Dad. I never dreamed we would try for a second child, but when our first was a year old, he brought up the subject. By then I had internet and knew alot more than I did going thru infertility before the internet..... and suggested we try another iVF at a bigger clinic. his response, "ABSOLUTELY NOT, i could never love any baby more than my daughter and we are not going thru that stress, money and time, we are doing donor, end of discussion!!! I have seen this story played out over and over on these boards. Such reluctancy, but once your miracle is here, you are 100% mom and dad and only wish you would have gone to donor sooner. Now that our family is complete, we do not even think of the donor stuff. Not that we are not so grateful for his gift, but we are just mom dad and two beautiful girls who are so blessed.

g4ranny · 12-02-2007, 03:56 PM

Hi Wanting,
To be completely honest I was the one that had reserves. When we left the specialist that said my husband was sterile due to a childhood surgery I was devastated and we kind of took the whole thing lightly and joked "I wonder if they have NBA or NFL sperm banks?" Then as the days progressed - let me say it was around the holidays - I got more and more upset and wanted to know the whole question of why us. His brothers simply told him to use a sperm bank and forget about it. Well I prayed about it and prayed about it and finally I said okay lets start some research. Well we did just that and I kind of stood back during the picking process. I wanted this to be his choice as I was already on board and for it. Throughout the entire pregnancy which was stressful - nothing came easy for his in the baby department - I was worried that he would not love it or think of it as his own. I insisted that he attend every appointment and he did and when the day came for delivery he was just like all those other fathers. It is now 16 months later and we can not imagine our lives without him - we still joke about things that are so much like his dad it is crazy - we call it osmosis - oh he must has gotten his love for this due to osmosis. Hang in there - you will make the right decision sometimes it just takes time.

abby26 · 12-04-2007, 10:06 PM

Hi, I haven't been on this board in a long time, but I thought I could give some encouragement. After 3 ivf transfers, my Dh, who had previously been dead set against donor iui, suggested it. We had just been thru so much emotionally and financially. I let him pickthe donor, to give him some control. I was a little nervous when I told him I was pg, but from that moment, he was ecstatic. Our son is 4 months old now, and he is the light of Dhs life. So many people have picked out the features the baby got from DH. He picked a donor who really didn't match him at all. People see what they want to see. I often forget that a donor was involved.
good luck!!!

10-22-2007, 04:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
wanting baby 400-499 post 6 of hearts Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Milford Connecticut Posts: 426	how did Dh react to DS can some of you please share your experinces of how your husband/partner responded to using Donor sperm at first. Any sucess stories?

11-25-2007, 02:05 AM	#6 (permalink)
Goodthingscome 100-199 post 3 of hearts Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Victoria, Australia Posts: 172 Blog Entries: 4	HI Wanting, Initaially my DH reacted pretty much as could be expected. He was angry and hurt and couldnt belive this had happened to him and to us. He felt as though he had failed me and asked me if I wanted a divorce. They were very trying times to say the least. However DH actually came around to the idea in a very short time and from the minute he decided to go that route he was nothing but 100% focussedd and passionate. It was quite weird actually beacuse if you had seen us at an U/S or something when we were pg. and had to pick which one of us had gone donor you would have sworn it was me!!! But thats my personality. I truly believe that once you guys are pg and certainly once the baby is here all this will be forgotten for the most part, we harly think about it now. We have only ecently began discussing it all again because we are thinking of trying for #2 nexy year. I wish you and you DH all the peace joy and happiness possible in a time like this and above everything remember to talk to each other. Become rocks for each other and also have your own camps where you can go and vent to. That helped me a great deal beacuse I was also so hurt and angry but it was about the situation not him and having somewher to go and off load was the best bit of advice I could give. Vicky __________________ Vicky Shane 2002 IVF#1 - Jan 2006 - Cancelled IVF#2 - April 2006 - BFP- 1st Beta (24/4) - 489, 2nd beta (1/5) 4436, 3rd Beta(11/5) 30,000 ANDREW DANIEL BORN VIA C/S 12/8/06. HERE AT LAST!!!!!!! FET #1 BFP!!! PATRICK SHANE BORN VIA C/S 2/3/09.

11-29-2007, 06:53 AM	#8 (permalink)
mmi 5000-9999 post king of hearts Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 6,471	My dh and I were both extremely reluctant to do donor. We only went that route after three exhausting years of trying and spending over $30,000 out of pocket. When I got pregnant with donor, there was no party.... believe me.. it was more "see, I knew it was my fault" from him. I worried that we had made a HUGE mistake. The second our baby girl was born though, it was instant love and he became Mr. Dad. I never dreamed we would try for a second child, but when our first was a year old, he brought up the subject. By then I had internet and knew alot more than I did going thru infertility before the internet..... and suggested we try another iVF at a bigger clinic. his response, "ABSOLUTELY NOT, i could never love any baby more than my daughter and we are not going thru that stress, money and time, we are doing donor, end of discussion!!! I have seen this story played out over and over on these boards. Such reluctancy, but once your miracle is here, you are 100% mom and dad and only wish you would have gone to donor sooner. Now that our family is complete, we do not even think of the donor stuff. Not that we are not so grateful for his gift, but we are just mom dad and two beautiful girls who are so blessed. __________________ 3 years and 15 medicated cycles(clomid, injections, iui's, ivf's, fet, you name it) and 2 angels before finally getting princess 1 (1999) 2 injection cycles for princess 2(2002) Truly miracles! "Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

12-04-2007, 10:06 PM	#10 (permalink)
abby26 600-699 post 8 of hearts Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: virginia Posts: 601	Hi, I haven't been on this board in a long time, but I thought I could give some encouragement. After 3 ivf transfers, my Dh, who had previously been dead set against donor iui, suggested it. We had just been thru so much emotionally and financially. I let him pickthe donor, to give him some control. I was a little nervous when I told him I was pg, but from that moment, he was ecstatic. Our son is 4 months old now, and he is the light of Dhs life. So many people have picked out the features the baby got from DH. He picked a donor who really didn't match him at all. People see what they want to see. I often forget that a donor was involved. good luck!!! __________________ Charlie 7/17/07

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10-22-2007, 06:06 PM	#2 (permalink)
want2bmomee 700-799 post 9 of hearts Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Florida Posts: 711	My DH was pretty apprehensive at first. He was pretty mad and upset at first (which is understandable when you find out you will never father a biological child He kept saying how he thought he didn't know how he would feel about the child. Didn't know if he could love it as his own etc.... BUT... those feelings didn't last long for him. He became at peace with it, and then in the process of choosing a donor, he started getting really excited! He just loves everything about the donor we picked, and thinks hes a lot like himself. I think that eased a lot of his concerns. As of now, hes estatically waiting for me to get preg. As of just yet, I don't have a sucess story... I'm still working on it I had 2 unsuccessful natural IUI's. I am now in the 2ww of my 3rd DIUI. This time I took clomid and did a trigger. Hopefully the 3rd times a charm!

10-23-2007, 05:53 AM	#3 (permalink)
GinaB 900-999 post jack of hearts Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Michigan Posts: 937	Hi Wanting, Dh and I have a 14 month old DD from ds, and are expecting #2 in May. (from the same donor) Initially dh was dead set against using ds. He was diagnosed with severe male factor IF, and our options were to adopt or use ds. We researched both, and I had to really encourage him to even look at ds. Once he learned more about the screening process for donors and found out how much info you really get on the donor he became more comfortable with it. We even spoke to our priest about our IF journey and thoughts on using ds. He gave us the green light (which was one of dh's reservations). Slowly, dh accepted the idea and when it came to choosing a donor he wanted to be the one to select the donor. We chose sime similiar characteristics (hair/eye color/education level/personality traits) between dh and the donor. Dh did admit during the pg he hoped he would bond well with the baby once she was born. When she was born, he bonded with her immediately and she is definitely a daddy's girl. He's very hands on with her, and loves her to death. Its funny, because many people will comment on how much she looks like dh, which she really does. Dh also belongs to a yahoo group called DIDads, for men who children from ds, and has found it to helpful and supportive. I wish you all the best, and if you have any questions feel free to ask Gina

10-23-2007, 06:55 AM	#4 (permalink)
bebeblues 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 1,723	Hi there, My DH was great about DS. He was reluctant at first until his sperm failed us over 4 IVF cycles and then he began to be comfy with the idea after watching me suffer thru heartache after heartache. i let him help me pick out a donor. We did not do photo matching, but chose a donor w/ similar characteristics. He has been nothing but supportive since that time. he does still make comments about how he doesn't even really need to be there for the inseminations, so I know there is hurt there still. But ultimately, he said he just wants me to be happy and he wants to be a father and realizes that this may be our only route top make that dream come true. One book we both read was "Helping the Stork" and it really helped us to understand the pros and cons of DI. I have always been the one taking charge of our IF and trts, so he just comes along for the ride and was there for my first 2 insems (1 cycle back2back). No success yet, but I'll let you know if I do in about 26 days or so. I just started IUI cycle #2 today. Bebe

10-25-2007, 04:18 PM	#5 (permalink)
msshino 200-299 post 4 of hearts Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Colorado Posts: 286	We are in the search for donor sperm and it hasn't been easy. I have been driving the search only because I am so tired of our IUIs not working. My dh has male factor so our only options were IVF/ICSI or use donor sperm. We tried the IVF and got pregnant but miscarried. So we are now trying IUIs with Dh sperm and hoping for a miracle but on the other hand, honestly, I have been searching for a donor and I got my dh to help me. I know it must be really hard to use ds for both parties but it's this or adopt. My dh would adopt as well but I don't think I'm ready to give up on having a baby and experiencing pregnancy. I spoke to some mothers and they did not enjoy their pregnancies, so they told me to skip it and just adopt. easy for them to say when they already had the chance to have a baby and all. So all in all, I think it's all timing and when both parties are ready to move on and try DS. I'll keep trying the IUI's if Dh wants me to but I hope to move onto donor soon. I just get so tired of this IF thing. I was watching TLC last night and saw a young lady suffering from leukimia and she wanted children. She said the cancer has been hard on her but it would really hurt her if she couldn't have children. I thought this sums up how devastating this IF can be. Baby dust to you all. Shino

11-27-2007, 10:25 AM	#7 (permalink)
decbrowneyes Registered User Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 233	DH was reluctant at first. After 2 failed attems at IUI using his "boys", I brought it up again. He gave me the go ahead to start researching and we are now expecting our 1st in 13 days (due Dec 10th)! We decided in the beginning that we wouldn't share this information with family or friends. He never brought it up again. It melts my heart when he talks about the baby... Wishing you the best! Mindy

12-02-2007, 03:56 PM	#9 (permalink)
g4ranny Registered User Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 317	Hi Wanting, To be completely honest I was the one that had reserves. When we left the specialist that said my husband was sterile due to a childhood surgery I was devastated and we kind of took the whole thing lightly and joked "I wonder if they have NBA or NFL sperm banks?" Then as the days progressed - let me say it was around the holidays - I got more and more upset and wanted to know the whole question of why us. His brothers simply told him to use a sperm bank and forget about it. Well I prayed about it and prayed about it and finally I said okay lets start some research. Well we did just that and I kind of stood back during the picking process. I wanted this to be his choice as I was already on board and for it. Throughout the entire pregnancy which was stressful - nothing came easy for his in the baby department - I was worried that he would not love it or think of it as his own. I insisted that he attend every appointment and he did and when the day came for delivery he was just like all those other fathers. It is now 16 months later and we can not imagine our lives without him - we still joke about things that are so much like his dad it is crazy - we call it osmosis - oh he must has gotten his love for this due to osmosis. Hang in there - you will make the right decision sometimes it just takes time.