DE - anyomous or sister

[Isabelle2006]

All,

Need some help. I am thinking about going the DE route (next year if one full year of ttc on my own does not work). My sister offered her eggs. I am torn about that. On the one hand, same genes, no de fees, etc...on the other hand worried when the baby gets older I will need to tell them that I used my sister's eggs and they may think of her as their 'mom'.

so someone I don't know would just be a donor....not someone they can see and know growing up...

thoughts - I am not sure how I feel. But so thankful that she would even offer.

Isabelle

Hi Isabelle --

Every situation is unique and what is best for one person may not be best for another. I have a brother in law and sister in law who have children through anonymous donors, and things are working out wonderfully for them.

However, I am doing DE with a cousin, because she offered, and if I can have the genetic conenction, then I want to try, for my sake as well as the child's. I am an only child, and on my mom's side I have no known cousins. On my dad's side, there are lots of relatives but I grew up not knowing many of them b/c of my parents' horrible divorce. I have made an effort to be in touch and to stay in touch, and I reached when I realized I needed door eggs to see if anyone could help. Any I learned how much they really care! My cousin has a child already, so she understands what it means to have a baby and to be a mom. She says she wants that for me so much. I am so moved and feel so loved by and so much closer to my cousin, and so grateful my child will grow up knowing his or her genetic cousins (and a half-sibling cousin!).

If we are successful, the baby will be nourished by my blood and my milk, and will grow in my womb. I will give birth to that child, feed it, change its diapers, and soothe its cries, and sing to it and hold it and teach it to talk and help it grow. That is being a mom. DNA has nothing to do with that!!!! When the child wants to know where she or he came from, I will at first say, "You came from from mama's womb." Later when they are a little older I will probably explain things like this:

"Mommy and daddy wanted you very much, but needed help to make you. Our special cousin shared an egg with us that helped us make you so you could grow in mommy's womb."

The child you create with your sister's egg will be your child. When that child learns that the egg came from a special aunt, that will not change. You will be the mother and she will be the aunt. Maybe a special auntie, but an aunt nonetheless. Not a mom. DNA doesn't make her the "real" mom: your nurturing and care, and your relationship with the child make you the mom.

The "egg carton analogy" I found on another thread was really helpful:
"All sisters have egg cartons (ovaries) that carry the allotted amount of eggs given at birth. Our parent is the chicken that fills the cartons. You just happened to have an empty carton or a carton with compromised eggs while your sister(s) may have a full carton or quality eggs. Your sister is merely holding the family eggs that come from the SAME source. It is your nurturing of that child for 9 months that will make him yours. At the very moment I discovered I was pregnant I let go of any feelings that my son belonged to another woman.That is what pregnancy does to prepare you. It is a therapeutic miracle. Now, I realize the egg carton analogy is a simple concept but I hope you understand what I am trying to say. The egg is only a combination of genetically based cells. It is all the other ingredients(your umbilical cord, your placenta, your oxygen,your labor pains and your breastmilk, not hers) that make your baby yours. "

This came from a thread you might want to check out: http://www3.fertilethoughts.com/foru...ght=egg+carton.

So that is what I can share about egg donation with a family member. Lastly, my beau & I have talked extensively with a fertility counselor about all this, and my cousin will also talk with a counselor before the cycle so that --- if it works -- we are all on the same page about our relationships with the child.

All the best to you in your journey; I'd love to know how things go for you!

Kat

[thebabyproject]

It's a personal decision. Both my sisters offered, one knows we went anonymous, one does not. My one sister has finished her family and has 2 kids. My other sister is newly married and now that I've let her off the hook, she's planning on starting her own family. They are now 31/27 and were younger when we started looking at DE.

Having been through IVF myself, I didn't want to put my sisters through that. And while they both offered and would make it work, I know they have lives, husbands, kids, school, work, etc that I would hate to disrupt. And with the condition of my DH's sperm, I wouldn't want to ask them to do it repeatedly and that was what we faced. Whereas an anonymous donor has been through the hoops for ANYONE and feels no obligation to me to cycle, she would do it for whoever.

On the opposite hand, it would be more important to have DH's half-brother be a sperm donor if we went the DE/DS route. Just to have DH feel some involvement/genetic connection to the cycle. We've talked about that option and I think we'd be more comfortable with Dembie at that point.

Like I said, it's a totally personal decision.

Emily

Well, sperm donation is certainly much easier than egg donation! Less unpleasantness for a relative to go through.