Saw this dilemma on a show.....

**BC-MAV** · 09-27-2007, 06:01 PM

A lady was raped by someone in her church and she was married at the time and decided not to abort the pregnancy. She had trouble getting pregnant and was told she would never have kids with her DH so she was quite puzzled at getting pregnant from the rape. She gave birth and she and her DH raised the boy. When he was like 12 I think he started to question why he looked so different and not like either of his parents. They told him the situation and he was upset but he wanted to know.

If you child born of donor gametes ever questioned why they did not look like either you or your DH or why they were so musical and you and your DH were tone deaf or something like that would you be inclined to tell them when you were not planning on telling them before?

Just curious. We plan on telling when DS can understand gametes (not sure what age that would be) so it's not an issue. He does look like DH a lot but there are things like his hair and his eybrows and ears and teeth that are nothing like ours... I know very minor stuff... But WWYD?

09-30-2007, 09:01 AM

Hi Mav --- well, as I see it, if the child has questions, then he or she deserves an honest answer.

gatorsteph · 09-30-2007, 07:39 PM

I think it's very important to be honest w/ kids. I think it only creates problems later on if one lies to their kid about the use of donor gametes and they find out later on. I've known people who tell others about the use the donor gametes but plan on not telling the kids. I think inevitably the child will find out. If no one but mom and dad knows then it's easier to keep the secret but what about things like medical history. The child is entitled to know. It all depends on how it's presented. I don't think biology makes a family but rather love and commitment.

09-27-2007, 06:01 PM	#1 (permalink)
BC-MAV Board Coordinator for Surrogacy BB Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: way down yonder ... Posts: 29,651 Blog Entries: 50	Saw this dilemma on a show..... A lady was raped by someone in her church and she was married at the time and decided not to abort the pregnancy. She had trouble getting pregnant and was told she would never have kids with her DH so she was quite puzzled at getting pregnant from the rape. She gave birth and she and her DH raised the boy. When he was like 12 I think he started to question why he looked so different and not like either of his parents. They told him the situation and he was upset but he wanted to know. If you child born of donor gametes ever questioned why they did not look like either you or your DH or why they were so musical and you and your DH were tone deaf or something like that would you be inclined to tell them when you were not planning on telling them before? Just curious. We plan on telling when DS can understand gametes (not sure what age that would be) so it's not an issue. He does look like DH a lot but there are things like his hair and his eybrows and ears and teeth that are nothing like ours... I know very minor stuff... But WWYD?

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09-30-2007, 09:01 AM	#2 (permalink)
hoping2bmamaKat Guest Location: NY, US Posts: n/a Blog Entries: 37	Hi Mav --- well, as I see it, if the child has questions, then he or she deserves an honest answer.

09-30-2007, 07:39 PM	#3 (permalink)
gatorsteph 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Northern California Posts: 1,789	I think it's very important to be honest w/ kids. I think it only creates problems later on if one lies to their kid about the use of donor gametes and they find out later on. I've known people who tell others about the use the donor gametes but plan on not telling the kids. I think inevitably the child will find out. If no one but mom and dad knows then it's easier to keep the secret but what about things like medical history. The child is entitled to know. It all depends on how it's presented. I don't think biology makes a family but rather love and commitment.