still so difficult dealing with this m/c

maddiemonk · 08-27-2007, 03:02 PM

Hey there!

I thought I would check in here since I am tired of being the "downer" in the chatroom. I figured the title of the thread is pretty clear so someone reading this would certainly know what they were in for.

It has been 11 days since my miscarriage and I am finding today to be almost unbearable. I know the things that I "should do" but I can not seem to do anything but sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself which then causes me to feel really really guilty!

I took this week off which although at times I feel like it has been a big mistake, at other times I know intellectually it was the right thing to do. It would not be fair to my patients or to myself to be seeing them right now. Although I feel that it would be good to have the money I would have made to put towards our next egg donor cycle since it is so very, very expensive. It cost us $24.000 out of pocket but I didn't care because I felt absolutely sure I was going to get pregnant (delusional, foolish girl that I was)

So now I am doing what every women should NOT do when they have a miscarriage. I am beating myself up for somehow not being more cautious. I started bleeding at 6 weeks but every time I went in to the clinic (which, believe me, was just about every few days, the baby had a strong heartbeat and was growing perfectly) By the beginning of week 9 the bleeding at resolved. I did not start bleeding again until the evening before I found out the fetus had died and even then the bleeding was not that significant, I just knew something was wrong.

I tried to protect myself in every way possible from the feelings I am having right now. I did not take any of the u/s photos...and believe me, there were many. I did not buy any maternity clothes and I told only the people that I need to that I was pregnant. But all I can do right now is picture the u/s image of the baby's profile in my head and it is making me crazy.

Today I decided to TRY to be proactive and I went to the bookstore to get a book on eating for fertility since we will try again probably in December...our donor has agree to do another cycle. And of course, there were tons of books on how to take care of yourself while you are pregnant. I did not purchase any books after getting pregnant in June since I had bought 2 books on pregnancy back in Dec. 2006, just before my first m/c.Like a fool, I picked up a few and realized all the things I had not been doing so I included buying more pregnancy books to the list of things I had NOT done to make this pregnancy a success.

As I write this I am bawling...it feels so pathetic. I am a very fortunate person. I have an amazingly wonderful, supportive husband, two delicious yellow labs, a good family and many, many close friend...may of whom are psychotherapists and mothers...so they can really help provide support to me when I need it. I have a job that I love and am fairly successful at and a husband that has a great job. We really don't have any financial stressors. We have a great brownstone we are renovating, no major health issues and we have our next cycle to look forward to.

I am just so angry that I am so upset. I can not sleep at night and I do not want to take medication. I am going to once again cut out caffeine and try to exercise and see if that helps. I am going to resume acupuncture and start massage around 6 weeks before transfer. I am going to eat "like I am pregnant" (minus the 300 extra calories.)

My biggest fear is that how I am feeling will effect the relationship I have with my husband. I have heard that the thing men feel most strongly about after a m/c is NOT the loss of the baby, nor the loss of a future family. What they fear most is that their spouse will never get back to being the same person they were pre-m/c. I feel like I need to be there today for him. I love him so much.

Anyway, that is about it. I am just thankful to have a place to get out how I am feeling. Thanks to those of you who read this. I forgot to mention how grateful I am to have some wonderful supportive buddies on this site.

Peace to all!

Diane

dnjblohm · 08-27-2007, 03:10 PM

oh maddie, I am SOOO sooo sorry you have to go through this! I was thinking of you, wondering what you were up to on FT and I saw this post. IT' sjust SOOO hard... I don''t have any great advice but I just wanted to give you a big hug and tell you that there are LOTS of people here who care about you very much and who think you are great! Try to be kind to yourself...

drag5_0s · 08-27-2007, 03:46 PM

Maddie,
I know that you don't know me, but I wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you!

I can't imagine the feelings that you are having right now. I think sometimes people believe that therapists are made of teflon, that they have the answers to everyday problems, but they stop to think that they are human. Its okay to let it out. You should not be beating yourself up b/c of the m/c. Its NOT your fault. There was no way that you could have prevented it, as I'm sure you were taking good care of yourself.

About your DH, you say that he's supportive. If he's truely supportive, then your relationship will fine. Right now you both need to be there to support each other. It sound like to me that you both have a stong, loving marriage, and that you WILL make it!

I truely hope that your cycle in Dec will be the one for you! I will be thinking of you!

Lisa

Josie1021 · 08-27-2007, 04:16 PM

Maddie - the feelings you are describing are so close to the way I felt after my own miscarriages that they bring back some of those experiences for me.

It is completely normal to be incapacitated by grief at times. The sadness, anger and wanting to understand what might have made the difference are all normal responses to what has happened to you. Allow yourself to grieve. Don't impose limits on how you should feel.

From my own experiences I can tell you that you will have bad days and good days. Over time I found the bad days got less frequent, but sometimes I would feel that way again for no apparent reason. On the other hand, anniversaries and due dates were definite triggers for me. I have learned to make allowances for myself on days that are difficult and just to get by.

My husband also did not know how to help me iwht my grief. We found that he grieves in a different way from me. He cried immediately we knew about the losses, while I "stayed strong" until I had got through the physical part and it was then that the emotion hit me. The only advice I have is that you should reassure your dh that your anger/sadness is not directed at him. This is not a problem you expect him to fix.

This is the link to a forum for women who have suffered pregnancy loss. I have found it helpful in the past.

http://forums.delphiforums.com/mommiesofangels/start

Thinking of you.

thebabyproject · 08-28-2007, 07:19 PM

Nothing to say but many many hugs.

Emily

tab11 · 08-29-2007, 08:46 PM

Diane,

I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain. While I know you're still recovering from the m/c, it sounds like you're taking some positive steps in moving forward too.

You had mentioned about exercising and getting your body in shape for your next cycle. One thing I can say is that is what I've done for the past 6 months while we've waited for our cycle. I could do nothing else other than prepare my body for pregnancy. I power walk nearly every day and lift weights. It makes me feel good about myself and gives me the feeling that I'm doing something positive towards getting pregnant. I think it would be great for you once you're up to it.

It's great that your donor will be ready again in December. At least you don't have the worry of finding another donor.

Thanks for giving the update and know we are here to listen any time.

bebeblues · 08-30-2007, 08:55 AM

Maddiemonk-I am so so sorry. i suffered a m/c last Sept. and not to discourage you, but the pain does not go away. Its sort of in the back of your mind while you're going thru trts, but the anniversary of your m/c and your EDD are going to be tough-not to mention the next several months. We attended a Memorial Service last Oct. and will attend it again. it was for m/cs and stillboirn deliveries and it was extremely touching to see see eveeryone in the city who showed up to remember their children. I keep thinking that a pregnancy (even w/ donor sperm) will make me feel better, but I'll always wonder how my life would be different had our biological baby made it to term.

I am so sorry you have to go thru all of this,
Bebe

08-27-2007, 03:02 PM	#1 (permalink)
maddiemonk 600-699 post 8 of hearts Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: new york city Posts: 600	still so difficult dealing with this m/c Hey there! I thought I would check in here since I am tired of being the "downer" in the chatroom. I figured the title of the thread is pretty clear so someone reading this would certainly know what they were in for. It has been 11 days since my miscarriage and I am finding today to be almost unbearable. I know the things that I "should do" but I can not seem to do anything but sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself which then causes me to feel really really guilty! I took this week off which although at times I feel like it has been a big mistake, at other times I know intellectually it was the right thing to do. It would not be fair to my patients or to myself to be seeing them right now. Although I feel that it would be good to have the money I would have made to put towards our next egg donor cycle since it is so very, very expensive. It cost us $24.000 out of pocket but I didn't care because I felt absolutely sure I was going to get pregnant (delusional, foolish girl that I was) So now I am doing what every women should NOT do when they have a miscarriage. I am beating myself up for somehow not being more cautious. I started bleeding at 6 weeks but every time I went in to the clinic (which, believe me, was just about every few days, the baby had a strong heartbeat and was growing perfectly) By the beginning of week 9 the bleeding at resolved. I did not start bleeding again until the evening before I found out the fetus had died and even then the bleeding was not that significant, I just knew something was wrong. I tried to protect myself in every way possible from the feelings I am having right now. I did not take any of the u/s photos...and believe me, there were many. I did not buy any maternity clothes and I told only the people that I need to that I was pregnant. But all I can do right now is picture the u/s image of the baby's profile in my head and it is making me crazy. Today I decided to TRY to be proactive and I went to the bookstore to get a book on eating for fertility since we will try again probably in December...our donor has agree to do another cycle. And of course, there were tons of books on how to take care of yourself while you are pregnant. I did not purchase any books after getting pregnant in June since I had bought 2 books on pregnancy back in Dec. 2006, just before my first m/c.Like a fool, I picked up a few and realized all the things I had not been doing so I included buying more pregnancy books to the list of things I had NOT done to make this pregnancy a success. As I write this I am bawling...it feels so pathetic. I am a very fortunate person. I have an amazingly wonderful, supportive husband, two delicious yellow labs, a good family and many, many close friend...may of whom are psychotherapists and mothers...so they can really help provide support to me when I need it. I have a job that I love and am fairly successful at and a husband that has a great job. We really don't have any financial stressors. We have a great brownstone we are renovating, no major health issues and we have our next cycle to look forward to. I am just so angry that I am so upset. I can not sleep at night and I do not want to take medication. I am going to once again cut out caffeine and try to exercise and see if that helps. I am going to resume acupuncture and start massage around 6 weeks before transfer. I am going to eat "like I am pregnant" (minus the 300 extra calories.) My biggest fear is that how I am feeling will effect the relationship I have with my husband. I have heard that the thing men feel most strongly about after a m/c is NOT the loss of the baby, nor the loss of a future family. What they fear most is that their spouse will never get back to being the same person they were pre-m/c. I feel like I need to be there today for him. I love him so much. Anyway, that is about it. I am just thankful to have a place to get out how I am feeling. Thanks to those of you who read this. I forgot to mention how grateful I am to have some wonderful supportive buddies on this site. Peace to all! Diane __________________ Me(47) DH(44) DE IVF ICSI 10/08 BFP We had a girl on June 30th at noon! 2 med. IUI cycles 3/08 & 4/08 BFN DE IVF ICSI 6/07 BFP 8/07 Natural pregnancy@43 11/05 12/05 Last edited by maddiemonk; 08-28-2007 at 12:41 PM. Reason: added more info

08-28-2007, 07:19 PM	#5 (permalink)
thebabyproject 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: South of Atlanta, GA Posts: 3,503 Blog Entries: 639	Nothing to say but many many hugs. Emily __________________ Severe MF w/SCSA 47% & DOR @ 32 DE IVF ICSI TESA#2 worked! Beta#1 3.5; Beta#2 13.8; Beta#3 58.6 Bethany Joyce born 5/16/08

VISIT OUR SISTER SITES:
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar	eHarmony Advice Dating Advice	Project Wedding Wedding Songs	Weddingbee Wedding Blog

Currently Active Chat Room Users: 0 \| Scheduled Chat Room Events
	Users in Chat Rooms: No one's chatting right now!

08-27-2007, 03:10 PM	#2 (permalink)
dnjblohm 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: IL Posts: 1,269	oh maddie, I am SOOO sooo sorry you have to go through this! I was thinking of you, wondering what you were up to on FT and I saw this post. IT' sjust SOOO hard... I don''t have any great advice but I just wanted to give you a big hug and tell you that there are LOTS of people here who care about you very much and who think you are great! Try to be kind to yourself...

08-27-2007, 03:46 PM	#3 (permalink)
drag5_0s 900-999 post jack of hearts Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Moving to Ft. Lee Virginia!! Posts: 913	Maddie, I know that you don't know me, but I wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you! I can't imagine the feelings that you are having right now. I think sometimes people believe that therapists are made of teflon, that they have the answers to everyday problems, but they stop to think that they are human. Its okay to let it out. You should not be beating yourself up b/c of the m/c. Its NOT your fault. There was no way that you could have prevented it, as I'm sure you were taking good care of yourself. About your DH, you say that he's supportive. If he's truely supportive, then your relationship will fine. Right now you both need to be there to support each other. It sound like to me that you both have a stong, loving marriage, and that you WILL make it! I truely hope that your cycle in Dec will be the one for you! I will be thinking of you! Lisa

08-27-2007, 04:16 PM	#4 (permalink)
Josie1021 Registered User Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 161	Maddie - the feelings you are describing are so close to the way I felt after my own miscarriages that they bring back some of those experiences for me. It is completely normal to be incapacitated by grief at times. The sadness, anger and wanting to understand what might have made the difference are all normal responses to what has happened to you. Allow yourself to grieve. Don't impose limits on how you should feel. From my own experiences I can tell you that you will have bad days and good days. Over time I found the bad days got less frequent, but sometimes I would feel that way again for no apparent reason. On the other hand, anniversaries and due dates were definite triggers for me. I have learned to make allowances for myself on days that are difficult and just to get by. My husband also did not know how to help me iwht my grief. We found that he grieves in a different way from me. He cried immediately we knew about the losses, while I "stayed strong" until I had got through the physical part and it was then that the emotion hit me. The only advice I have is that you should reassure your dh that your anger/sadness is not directed at him. This is not a problem you expect him to fix. This is the link to a forum for women who have suffered pregnancy loss. I have found it helpful in the past. http://forums.delphiforums.com/mommiesofangels/start Thinking of you.

08-29-2007, 08:46 PM	#6 (permalink)
tab11 300-399 post 5 of hearts Join Date: May 2007 Location: The West Posts: 395	Diane, I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain. While I know you're still recovering from the m/c, it sounds like you're taking some positive steps in moving forward too. You had mentioned about exercising and getting your body in shape for your next cycle. One thing I can say is that is what I've done for the past 6 months while we've waited for our cycle. I could do nothing else other than prepare my body for pregnancy. I power walk nearly every day and lift weights. It makes me feel good about myself and gives me the feeling that I'm doing something positive towards getting pregnant. I think it would be great for you once you're up to it. It's great that your donor will be ready again in December. At least you don't have the worry of finding another donor. Thanks for giving the update and know we are here to listen any time.

08-30-2007, 08:55 AM	#7 (permalink)
bebeblues 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 1,723	Maddiemonk-I am so so sorry. i suffered a m/c last Sept. and not to discourage you, but the pain does not go away. Its sort of in the back of your mind while you're going thru trts, but the anniversary of your m/c and your EDD are going to be tough-not to mention the next several months. We attended a Memorial Service last Oct. and will attend it again. it was for m/cs and stillboirn deliveries and it was extremely touching to see see eveeryone in the city who showed up to remember their children. I keep thinking that a pregnancy (even w/ donor sperm) will make me feel better, but I'll always wonder how my life would be different had our biological baby made it to term. I am so sorry you have to go thru all of this, Bebe