update..m/c at 10weeks 8/07

maddiemonk · 08-18-2007, 07:54 AM

I am so sad right now.

I felt sick on Thursday and went in to my RE for a u/s (I had already "graduated" from the RE clinic and scheduled for my first ob appointment this coming Tuesday 8/21.)

When they did the u/s they could not detect a fetal heartbeat. The fetus had died. So devastating. My doctor was amazing and pulled all kinds of strings so I was able to have a d&c yesterday. They will be able to analyze the remains and do genetic testing..it takes two months!!!!

In 6 weeks they will do blood testing because we don't think it was genetic..it appears to be a clotting issue. I started spotting at 6 weeks and continued on and off till I miscarried.

I am going to call my RE on Monday and ask him to see if our egg donor may be wiling to cycle again in about three months (providing the genetics come back okay) We transferred 3 day 5 blastos and had none left over to freeze so FET is not an option. If the donor says no, then we can start looking for a new donor right away. I am 45 so have no time to waste.

I am now going to try to get in the best shape possible. I gained 4 lbs over the course of this pregnancy. I was 10 weeks and the fetus measured perfect which means it was not dead for long before I felt something weird in my body.

I am just hoping I get pregnant as easily as I did the first time and that we fall into the live birth statistic at our clinic. :-)

My husband is not being so great. He criticized me because I am feeling badly about going back to work and seeing a patient who is one week behind me in her pregnancy. It is going to make me sad and I feel kind of jealous and resentful...not of her, just the situation...my husband says he is shocked that I could have these feeling because I am a very empathetic shrink. It just makes me feel worse..but I am sure some of you can understand where I am coming from.

My heart goes out to anyone who is going through or gone through a similar loss. Thanks for listening.

Diane
__________________
maddiemonk

Me(45) DH(42)
DE IVF ICSI 6/07 BFP

thebabyproject · 08-18-2007, 08:05 AM

Maddie, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I hope you find answers and the donor is willing to cycle again. I'm glad the dr. was able to get tissue for testing.

As to DH, I think he should realize while you can be professional with your patient, it's still going to hurt you. It's still going to be hard emotionally to see her grow big and project your image onto her. No matter what you're counseling her for, that sadness will be with you. Doesn't mean you can't treat her, just means that it will hurt you a little when you do and he'll need to be there for you.

Many hugs and prayers for healing.

Emily

mommawantabe · 08-18-2007, 10:47 AM

Diane,

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been following your posts as I awaited permission to post messages and I was so happy for you when your RE released you. This must be so devastating for you.

And I understand how your feeling about your patient. I think this is a normal reaction to what you have just suffered. It sounds like you need some healing time. Have you considered maybe taking some time off from work or postponing your appointment with her?

I hope you can line up the ED again for another cycle and the testing the doctor is doing will shed some light on what went wrong.

Take care of yourself,

momma

tab11 · 08-18-2007, 12:54 PM

Maddie,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine your pain after making it this far. Just take care of yourself for now. I hope you get some answers in the weeks to come before moving on again.

Margarete Anne · 08-18-2007, 02:46 PM

Diana,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. I have experienced it firsthand, and know how difficult it can be. Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to grieve the loss and to heal. You have to walk through the pain in order to move on.

You know because of your profession that seeing other women who are pregnant will hurt for awhile......it is inevitable. Please know that you are not an unempathetic or bad person because of your feelings. It has nothing to do with that. You are a mom......you lost your little one......you are in pain.....and that is so normal.

I wish you well on finding some answers, and in moving forward when you feel you are ready.

You will be in my thoughts.

Margaret Anne

Josie1021 · 08-18-2007, 05:20 PM

Diane - I'm sorry you lost your little one.

I hope that you can get some helpful answers from the tests. Wishing you peace.

rb · 08-18-2007, 10:02 PM

Maddie,

I am so so sorry about your loss. DW and I lost ours at six weeks. We are waiting for the genetic test results. Do not feel bad about your feelings. I am sure that DH is suffering as well. When I had to watch DW crying as she was wheeled in to the OR for the DNC, it broke my heart. We have another cycle later this year. We no longer think about success. We just try to protect ourselves from pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,

rb

Danasingle · 08-19-2007, 09:01 PM

Hi Diane!

I'm so sorry to hear your news! Sorry your DH does not allow your natural feelings and feels like criticizing you when you are grieving. My EX did this too when I m/c'd my first baby at 12.5 weeks--though not until one month later. That must hurt so much.

You are human. I would not have been willing to work with a client who was pregnant after I lost my first. God, it was MONTHS before I could even look at a pregnant woman. Hugs.

Dana Single
ttc #3 @ 45 yrs - DIUI
Five Angels (2000-2007)

PS, I had only one pregnancy out of seven with spotting/light bleeding from 5.5 weeks until confirmed m/c at about 10.5 weeks. Tests showed that Tessa was a triploid pregnancy (two sperm fertilized one egg) which is incompatible to life. So spotting is not always an indication that your body has a clotting issue. Though of course you might.

bebeblues · 08-20-2007, 12:49 PM

There is no greater pain than losing a child. I am so so sorry and words cannot make the pain go away, I know. I too lost my first child at 10 wks-the year anniversary of it is right around the corner and it is still devastating to me. I hear you on moving onto the next step, next donor and next chance for life, but it is so important that you grieve....you know this if you're a shrink. I am still grieving the loss of our only child-just last Friday night I had a really good cry about losing the baby and it was last Sept when it happens. it takes time to grieve, but I also know that a new pregnancy will fill you with hope and will make some of the pain go away (or at least I think it will).

I hope things come out okay with the genetic testing and you're able to keep your donor and if not, that your process of finding a new donor go smoothly.

Also, you may want to give your DH a copy of a grieving after m/c book which explains that every feeling you have right now is absolutely normal and you should not be condemned for how you "feel"-we can't help how we "feel" even if it is not warranted, which in your case, you have every right to hurt, be jealous and even hate others who have children or who are pg. Your DH is grieving too-though he can compartmentalize this traumatic event, he is hurting with you and for you.
I just avoided a wedding the other night b/c my SIL was going to be there with her 4th child who came into the world when ours was supposed to and my DH and I just say "that was supposed to be OUR baby". This is a year after the D&C, so be gentle w/ yourself and do what you need to do to move on!!!!Your news is heartbreaking and I pray that you grieve, heal and become pg soon.

Bebe

notreallyme · 08-20-2007, 02:39 PM

Oh, no. I am so sorry. I am crying for you right now because I know how profound the grief and devastation really is. I am so so sorry.

This just hurts so bad. No one can really describe the pain. Give yourself time to grieve and whatever you are feeling is normal...don't feel guilty for feeling a certain way or for not feeling a certain way...give yourself time and allow yourself to go through the grieving process.

I am so sorry.

08-18-2007, 07:54 AM	#1 (permalink)
maddiemonk 600-699 post 8 of hearts Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: new york city Posts: 600	update..m/c at 10weeks 8/07 I am so sad right now. I felt sick on Thursday and went in to my RE for a u/s (I had already "graduated" from the RE clinic and scheduled for my first ob appointment this coming Tuesday 8/21.) When they did the u/s they could not detect a fetal heartbeat. The fetus had died. So devastating. My doctor was amazing and pulled all kinds of strings so I was able to have a d&c yesterday. They will be able to analyze the remains and do genetic testing..it takes two months!!!! In 6 weeks they will do blood testing because we don't think it was genetic..it appears to be a clotting issue. I started spotting at 6 weeks and continued on and off till I miscarried. I am going to call my RE on Monday and ask him to see if our egg donor may be wiling to cycle again in about three months (providing the genetics come back okay) We transferred 3 day 5 blastos and had none left over to freeze so FET is not an option. If the donor says no, then we can start looking for a new donor right away. I am 45 so have no time to waste. I am now going to try to get in the best shape possible. I gained 4 lbs over the course of this pregnancy. I was 10 weeks and the fetus measured perfect which means it was not dead for long before I felt something weird in my body. I am just hoping I get pregnant as easily as I did the first time and that we fall into the live birth statistic at our clinic. :-) My husband is not being so great. He criticized me because I am feeling badly about going back to work and seeing a patient who is one week behind me in her pregnancy. It is going to make me sad and I feel kind of jealous and resentful...not of her, just the situation...my husband says he is shocked that I could have these feeling because I am a very empathetic shrink. It just makes me feel worse..but I am sure some of you can understand where I am coming from. My heart goes out to anyone who is going through or gone through a similar loss. Thanks for listening. Diane __________________ maddiemonk Me(45) DH(42) DE IVF ICSI 6/07 BFP __________________ Me(47) DH(44) DE IVF ICSI 10/08 BFP We had a girl on June 30th at noon! 2 med. IUI cycles 3/08 & 4/08 BFN DE IVF ICSI 6/07 BFP 8/07 Natural pregnancy@43 11/05 12/05 Last edited by maddiemonk; 08-25-2007 at 07:16 PM. Reason: wrong year

08-18-2007, 08:05 AM	#2 (permalink)
thebabyproject 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: South of Atlanta, GA Posts: 3,503 Blog Entries: 639	Maddie, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I hope you find answers and the donor is willing to cycle again. I'm glad the dr. was able to get tissue for testing. As to DH, I think he should realize while you can be professional with your patient, it's still going to hurt you. It's still going to be hard emotionally to see her grow big and project your image onto her. No matter what you're counseling her for, that sadness will be with you. Doesn't mean you can't treat her, just means that it will hurt you a little when you do and he'll need to be there for you. Many hugs and prayers for healing. Emily __________________ Severe MF w/SCSA 47% & DOR @ 32 DE IVF ICSI TESA#2 worked! Beta#1 3.5; Beta#2 13.8; Beta#3 58.6 Bethany Joyce born 5/16/08

08-18-2007, 10:02 PM	#7 (permalink)
rb 200-299 post 4 of hearts Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 226	I am so sorry Maddie, I am so so sorry about your loss. DW and I lost ours at six weeks. We are waiting for the genetic test results. Do not feel bad about your feelings. I am sure that DH is suffering as well. When I had to watch DW crying as she was wheeled in to the OR for the DNC, it broke my heart. We have another cycle later this year. We no longer think about success. We just try to protect ourselves from pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, rb __________________ 100% Mothra Compatible

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08-18-2007, 10:47 AM	#3 (permalink)
mommawantabe 0-99 post 2 of hearts Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 59	Diane, I am so sorry for your loss. I have been following your posts as I awaited permission to post messages and I was so happy for you when your RE released you. This must be so devastating for you. And I understand how your feeling about your patient. I think this is a normal reaction to what you have just suffered. It sounds like you need some healing time. Have you considered maybe taking some time off from work or postponing your appointment with her? I hope you can line up the ED again for another cycle and the testing the doctor is doing will shed some light on what went wrong. Take care of yourself, momma

08-18-2007, 12:54 PM	#4 (permalink)
tab11 300-399 post 5 of hearts Join Date: May 2007 Location: The West Posts: 395	Maddie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine your pain after making it this far. Just take care of yourself for now. I hope you get some answers in the weeks to come before moving on again.

08-18-2007, 02:46 PM	#5 (permalink)
Margarete Anne 5000-9999 post king of hearts Join Date: May 2004 Location: Southern California Posts: 5,592	Diana, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. I have experienced it firsthand, and know how difficult it can be. Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to grieve the loss and to heal. You have to walk through the pain in order to move on. You know because of your profession that seeing other women who are pregnant will hurt for awhile......it is inevitable. Please know that you are not an unempathetic or bad person because of your feelings. It has nothing to do with that. You are a mom......you lost your little one......you are in pain.....and that is so normal. I wish you well on finding some answers, and in moving forward when you feel you are ready. You will be in my thoughts. Margaret Anne

08-18-2007, 05:20 PM	#6 (permalink)
Josie1021 Registered User Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 161	Diane - I'm sorry you lost your little one. I hope that you can get some helpful answers from the tests. Wishing you peace.

08-19-2007, 09:01 PM	#8 (permalink)
Danasingle 5000-9999 post king of hearts Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Western Canada Posts: 8,321	Hi Diane! I'm so sorry to hear your news! Sorry your DH does not allow your natural feelings and feels like criticizing you when you are grieving. My EX did this too when I m/c'd my first baby at 12.5 weeks--though not until one month later. That must hurt so much. You are human. I would not have been willing to work with a client who was pregnant after I lost my first. God, it was MONTHS before I could even look at a pregnant woman. Hugs. Dana Single ttc #3 @ 45 yrs - DIUI Five Angels (2000-2007) PS, I had only one pregnancy out of seven with spotting/light bleeding from 5.5 weeks until confirmed m/c at about 10.5 weeks. Tests showed that Tessa was a triploid pregnancy (two sperm fertilized one egg) which is incompatible to life. So spotting is not always an indication that your body has a clotting issue. Though of course you might.

08-20-2007, 12:49 PM	#9 (permalink)
bebeblues 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 1,723	There is no greater pain than losing a child. I am so so sorry and words cannot make the pain go away, I know. I too lost my first child at 10 wks-the year anniversary of it is right around the corner and it is still devastating to me. I hear you on moving onto the next step, next donor and next chance for life, but it is so important that you grieve....you know this if you're a shrink. I am still grieving the loss of our only child-just last Friday night I had a really good cry about losing the baby and it was last Sept when it happens. it takes time to grieve, but I also know that a new pregnancy will fill you with hope and will make some of the pain go away (or at least I think it will). I hope things come out okay with the genetic testing and you're able to keep your donor and if not, that your process of finding a new donor go smoothly. Also, you may want to give your DH a copy of a grieving after m/c book which explains that every feeling you have right now is absolutely normal and you should not be condemned for how you "feel"-we can't help how we "feel" even if it is not warranted, which in your case, you have every right to hurt, be jealous and even hate others who have children or who are pg. Your DH is grieving too-though he can compartmentalize this traumatic event, he is hurting with you and for you. I just avoided a wedding the other night b/c my SIL was going to be there with her 4th child who came into the world when ours was supposed to and my DH and I just say "that was supposed to be OUR baby". This is a year after the D&C, so be gentle w/ yourself and do what you need to do to move on!!!!Your news is heartbreaking and I pray that you grieve, heal and become pg soon. Bebe

08-20-2007, 02:39 PM	#10 (permalink)
notreallyme 200-299 post 4 of hearts Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 285	Oh, no. I am so sorry. I am crying for you right now because I know how profound the grief and devastation really is. I am so so sorry. This just hurts so bad. No one can really describe the pain. Give yourself time to grieve and whatever you are feeling is normal...don't feel guilty for feeling a certain way or for not feeling a certain way...give yourself time and allow yourself to go through the grieving process. I am so sorry.