IUI with donor...how did your dh handle it?

happysmileylady · 08-02-2007, 10:42 AM

Our first IUI cycle just ended with a BFN. We have been trying for five years and don't have a clue what's wrong with us. There are a few tests that haven't been done and one of them is to test to see if we have any fertilization issues between the swimmers and the egg. I assume if we do, IUI with a donor would be an option. Our insurance only covers one IVF in a LIFETIME, so that's a very very last resort for us since it will basically be a one shot deal.

So, my question is, if you had to use donor swimmers, how did your DH handle it? My DH has only a very slightly low count, 17 mill and just finding that out devestated him nearly as much as this failed cycle. If we have a fertilization problem or otherwise resort to a donor, I am not quite sure I will be able to handle HIS issues with it, let alone my own. It will just kill him? How did your DH handle it and how did you help him deal with it?

GinaB · 08-02-2007, 11:54 AM

Hi HSL

To share our experince with you, we decided to use donor sperm for our iui. Our situation is that dh has severe male factor IF...he was diagnosed with azoospermia (meaning zero sperm) two years ago. We had been trying for over a year with no luck...once we began the testing on both sides we learned of this diagnosis. We were absolutely devasated. We both knew we wanted children, and at that time, our RE was very honest about our options: either adopt or use donor sperm. My dh was DEAD SET againt using donor sperm. He has many steretypes of who these donors were...and had no idea how well screened they are. Initially, I asked him to just do some research on it, and then we would talk. So he did, and as he learned more he became more comfortable with it. He also spoke to a few close friends who have children, and both told him the same thing: If I learned today my ds was not biologically mine, it wouldnt make a difference. Parenting, and the love you feel for your child goes way beyond genetics.

We did choose to do diui, and were fortunate to get pg on our first attempt. Our dd will turn one next week. She is most definitely "daddy's girl". When she was born, he fell instantly in love with her. He, and we, do not have any regrets about the route we took concieve her. We have had the discussion to tell or not to tell...and we will tell her about her donor conception at an appropriate age.

There are other groups out there who offer support for your dh. There is a Yahoo group, called DIDads that my dh belongs to.
I wish you the very best of luck! If you have any questions, please ask

Gina

happysmileylady · 08-02-2007, 12:31 PM

I also wanted to add that in our situation, I have a dd already, who is 11, from a prior relationship. So if we went the donor route, essentially, DH would have no biologically children.

Elann · 08-02-2007, 06:05 PM

My DH will never have a biological child. But when I asked him whether he would like a boi-child or our DD through donor - he gave me a weird look and said "Lainna"! He could not love her any more if she was his biological daughter. She is just his daughter - does not matter how she got here.

Ther is a group on Yahoo called DI Dads. He might want to check that out.

want2bmomee · 08-02-2007, 06:32 PM

My DH and I are going to do our first DIUI toward the end of the month hopefully. At first my DH was very apprehensive, and not too crazy about the whole idea. But given some time to think about it, he has really come around, and is now super excited about the whole thing, and "loves" the donor we choose. =) If this is a relatively new "discovery" for you guys, maybe he just needs some more time to think about it and get used to the idea and accept it? Just a thought, I know some men are more open to it than others. Best of luck!!

Kylie · 08-05-2007, 02:53 PM

My dh handles having to use donor sperm like a pro

. He's the best dad in the neighborhood! He's an exceptional guy, though

. If your husband has that many sperm, and his morphology is normal, why not try IVF with ICSI? Most guys with sperm can get a woman pregnant one way or another, with technology, anyway! How do you know the problem isn't on your end? How much testing have you two had done?

happysmileylady · 08-05-2007, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kylie

My dh handles having to use donor sperm like a pro

. He's the best dad in the neighborhood! He's an exceptional guy, though

. If your husband has that many sperm, and his morphology is normal, why not try IVF with ICSI? Most guys with sperm can get a woman pregnant one way or another, with technology, anyway! How do you know the problem isn't on your end? How much testing have you two had done?

Is morphology is the lowest one at 10%. IVF is only covered once in a lifetime, so it's a last resort for us. I don't even know if ICSI is covered or not.

As far as my testing goes, I have had an HSG and a lap. The HSG showed totally clear tubes. The lap found two small spots of endo, very small and they were removed. I haven't had any hormone tests because I do O on my own and because I already have an 11 year old...I got pg with her while on bcp, though with someone else. We haven't done a post coital because I was told the treatment for that if the results don't come out good is the IUI, so there really wasn't a point for that test.

bebeblues · 08-06-2007, 08:44 AM

Happy-

Okay, here's my suggestion b/c I just finished 3 failed IVFs (well, one resulted in a pg, but m/c at 10 wks). I would go for the 1 IVF first and start soon after finding a good RE, which may not be the same as the one you're going to for IUI. I mean really research and go to a top clinic, even if you need to travel (I am no dummy when it comes to this). If it works, the buck stops there and it is your chance for a biobaby and the younger you are right now, the better the chances. Age really matters in all of these trts, but you should consider that if you spend years and years doing IUIs w/ DH s sperm that may never produce a pg, then you find yourself older and less likely to succeed possibly. Then, if that doesn't work,take a step back and move onto DSIUI. Trust me, after your DH and you go through the hell of even 1 IVF cycle, you'll be (and so will he) more than happy to move back to IUI, even if it is with DS. My DH was unsure about it at first, but after living in this nightmare for several years, w/each failure harder to take emotionally, he is more than happy and ready for me to be preg. and have a baby using DS. We even used some DS is our last IVF-ICSI. The donor sperm embies were the only ones that survived to transfer. So, it was pretty much a no brainer in terms of how to proceed so that we can still have a family. My DH will never have his own bio. baby and that is so sad-it would take more than a miracle for us to conceive a biobaby and we know that now and we both are just ready to move on to the next phase of life. My DH is very supportive of using DS if it will make this absolute nightmare we've been living in go away and give us the child we've been dreaming of. I have a feeling that everyone will say how much the donor baby look like him(I don't even have one yet, so don't even know if this will work for us). if you read other posts, you'll see how common that is. It is a complete secret. Right now, my fam. thinks we have some frozen embryos to use-so if I do get pg w/in the next 6 mos, they'll assume its our bio baby. I just don't want any judgement from my family.

Best of luck to you,
Bebe

mmi · 08-08-2007, 02:03 PM

You have to look at the whole sperm picture... count, motility, morphology.... my dh had counts of 15-20 million with GREAT motility, but 6% morphology. We had three IVF's fail(initially they were insistant that we would get pregnant with IUI's)..... we finally very reluctantly moved to donor. I really don't think they know all they should about male issues as I got pregnant very easily with donor. I am glad we did at least one IVF...b ut I wish we would have gone to IVF much sooner and also moved to donor much sooner. Once your miracle is here, you wont' care how it got here. Wishign you a quick success.

bondgirl · 08-12-2007, 04:03 PM

my so said that it was really bizarre for him but when he met me I had a 6 week old daughter. He knows how much he can love a child that is not biologically his and I'm fairly certain thats why he has done ok with the donor sperm concept.

Our fertility clinic required we talk with a psychologist before proceeding with donor sperm and I couldnt find a babysitter the day of our appointment.
We brought my daughter with us and when the psychologist walked in she was cuddling on her daddy's lap. He commented on how he sees this situation will not be very hard for us since we're basically already doing it. my ex has absolutely no contact with my daughter by his choice.

08-02-2007, 10:42 AM	#1 (permalink)
happysmileylady 800-899 post 10 of hearts Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Indpls IN Posts: 872	IUI with donor...how did your dh handle it? Our first IUI cycle just ended with a BFN. We have been trying for five years and don't have a clue what's wrong with us. There are a few tests that haven't been done and one of them is to test to see if we have any fertilization issues between the swimmers and the egg. I assume if we do, IUI with a donor would be an option. Our insurance only covers one IVF in a LIFETIME, so that's a very very last resort for us since it will basically be a one shot deal. So, my question is, if you had to use donor swimmers, how did your DH handle it? My DH has only a very slightly low count, 17 mill and just finding that out devestated him nearly as much as this failed cycle. If we have a fertilization problem or otherwise resort to a donor, I am not quite sure I will be able to handle HIS issues with it, let alone my own. It will just kill him? How did your DH handle it and how did you help him deal with it?

08-08-2007, 02:03 PM	#9 (permalink)
mmi 5000-9999 post king of hearts Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 6,471	You have to look at the whole sperm picture... count, motility, morphology.... my dh had counts of 15-20 million with GREAT motility, but 6% morphology. We had three IVF's fail(initially they were insistant that we would get pregnant with IUI's)..... we finally very reluctantly moved to donor. I really don't think they know all they should about male issues as I got pregnant very easily with donor. I am glad we did at least one IVF...b ut I wish we would have gone to IVF much sooner and also moved to donor much sooner. Once your miracle is here, you wont' care how it got here. Wishign you a quick success. __________________ 3 years and 15 medicated cycles(clomid, injections, iui's, ivf's, fet, you name it) and 2 angels before finally getting princess 1 (1999) 2 injection cycles for princess 2(2002) Truly miracles! "Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

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08-02-2007, 11:54 AM	#2 (permalink)
GinaB 900-999 post jack of hearts Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Michigan Posts: 937	Hi HSL To share our experince with you, we decided to use donor sperm for our iui. Our situation is that dh has severe male factor IF...he was diagnosed with azoospermia (meaning zero sperm) two years ago. We had been trying for over a year with no luck...once we began the testing on both sides we learned of this diagnosis. We were absolutely devasated. We both knew we wanted children, and at that time, our RE was very honest about our options: either adopt or use donor sperm. My dh was DEAD SET againt using donor sperm. He has many steretypes of who these donors were...and had no idea how well screened they are. Initially, I asked him to just do some research on it, and then we would talk. So he did, and as he learned more he became more comfortable with it. He also spoke to a few close friends who have children, and both told him the same thing: If I learned today my ds was not biologically mine, it wouldnt make a difference. Parenting, and the love you feel for your child goes way beyond genetics. We did choose to do diui, and were fortunate to get pg on our first attempt. Our dd will turn one next week. She is most definitely "daddy's girl". When she was born, he fell instantly in love with her. He, and we, do not have any regrets about the route we took concieve her. We have had the discussion to tell or not to tell...and we will tell her about her donor conception at an appropriate age. There are other groups out there who offer support for your dh. There is a Yahoo group, called DIDads that my dh belongs to. I wish you the very best of luck! If you have any questions, please ask Gina

08-02-2007, 12:31 PM	#3 (permalink)
happysmileylady 800-899 post 10 of hearts Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Indpls IN Posts: 872	I also wanted to add that in our situation, I have a dd already, who is 11, from a prior relationship. So if we went the donor route, essentially, DH would have no biologically children.

08-02-2007, 06:05 PM	#4 (permalink)
Elann 400-499 post 6 of hearts Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Maryland Posts: 411	My DH will never have a biological child. But when I asked him whether he would like a boi-child or our DD through donor - he gave me a weird look and said "Lainna"! He could not love her any more if she was his biological daughter. She is just his daughter - does not matter how she got here. Ther is a group on Yahoo called DI Dads. He might want to check that out.

08-02-2007, 06:32 PM	#5 (permalink)
want2bmomee 700-799 post 9 of hearts Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Florida Posts: 711	My DH and I are going to do our first DIUI toward the end of the month hopefully. At first my DH was very apprehensive, and not too crazy about the whole idea. But given some time to think about it, he has really come around, and is now super excited about the whole thing, and "loves" the donor we choose. =) If this is a relatively new "discovery" for you guys, maybe he just needs some more time to think about it and get used to the idea and accept it? Just a thought, I know some men are more open to it than others. Best of luck!!

08-06-2007, 08:44 AM	#8 (permalink)
bebeblues 1000-4999 post queen of hearts Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 1,723	Happy- Okay, here's my suggestion b/c I just finished 3 failed IVFs (well, one resulted in a pg, but m/c at 10 wks). I would go for the 1 IVF first and start soon after finding a good RE, which may not be the same as the one you're going to for IUI. I mean really research and go to a top clinic, even if you need to travel (I am no dummy when it comes to this). If it works, the buck stops there and it is your chance for a biobaby and the younger you are right now, the better the chances. Age really matters in all of these trts, but you should consider that if you spend years and years doing IUIs w/ DH s sperm that may never produce a pg, then you find yourself older and less likely to succeed possibly. Then, if that doesn't work,take a step back and move onto DSIUI. Trust me, after your DH and you go through the hell of even 1 IVF cycle, you'll be (and so will he) more than happy to move back to IUI, even if it is with DS. My DH was unsure about it at first, but after living in this nightmare for several years, w/each failure harder to take emotionally, he is more than happy and ready for me to be preg. and have a baby using DS. We even used some DS is our last IVF-ICSI. The donor sperm embies were the only ones that survived to transfer. So, it was pretty much a no brainer in terms of how to proceed so that we can still have a family. My DH will never have his own bio. baby and that is so sad-it would take more than a miracle for us to conceive a biobaby and we know that now and we both are just ready to move on to the next phase of life. My DH is very supportive of using DS if it will make this absolute nightmare we've been living in go away and give us the child we've been dreaming of. I have a feeling that everyone will say how much the donor baby look like him(I don't even have one yet, so don't even know if this will work for us). if you read other posts, you'll see how common that is. It is a complete secret. Right now, my fam. thinks we have some frozen embryos to use-so if I do get pg w/in the next 6 mos, they'll assume its our bio baby. I just don't want any judgement from my family. Best of luck to you, Bebe

08-12-2007, 04:03 PM	#10 (permalink)
bondgirl Registered User Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 17	my so said that it was really bizarre for him but when he met me I had a 6 week old daughter. He knows how much he can love a child that is not biologically his and I'm fairly certain thats why he has done ok with the donor sperm concept. Our fertility clinic required we talk with a psychologist before proceeding with donor sperm and I couldnt find a babysitter the day of our appointment. We brought my daughter with us and when the psychologist walked in she was cuddling on her daddy's lap. He commented on how he sees this situation will not be very hard for us since we're basically already doing it. my ex has absolutely no contact with my daughter by his choice.