donation decision looming!

07-30-2007, 11:26 AM

Hello hello --
As many of you know, I sent letters to three cousins asking if any of them might be interested in donating eggs. One cousin has offered to be my ED.

This wonderful woman is 37 -- will be 38 in September, and has a 4-yo son. (Her twin sister also got the letter and wanted to help, but she's pregnant!) My youngest cousin (22) got the same letter from me as they did, explaining my situation and inviting an open discussion.

Well, I spoke with my youngest cousin briefly and she said she was excited about it. I told her that the other cousin has offered to donate, but that we haven't made any plans yet b/c we were waiting to hear HER thoughts!

We didn't have a chance to complete our conversation b/c there were other family members around and we both had to dash off to work and home. She said she'd call me. So anyway, that was a week ago today and I haven't heard from her. I called her on Saturday, left a message telling er I wanted to touch base with her about the situation... and am still waiting to hear back.

This young cousin and I really adore each other although we haven't communicated all that much. In some ways she is an ideal candidate. Of all my cousins, she looks the most like me and has many similar interests... Plus, she's young and might make great eggs... but I have no idea right now if ED is right for her, or for that matter if she is right for ED...

On the other hand, my older cousin is a mature and articulate person. She has taken the time to communicate with me very clearly and in a timely fashion, and has generously offered this precious gift!!! I would feel so comfortable moving forward with her!

So if I don't hear from younger cousin by the end of the week, I think I'd like to move ahead with the older cousin and set up our consultations, etc. with the RE.

I would love to hear thoughts about this!
Best,
Kat

rbutterfly · 07-30-2007, 12:11 PM

My thought: I think I would move forward with the older cousin. 22 is a young age and responsibility may not have settled in; hence the no call to this point. You would think she would understand the anticipation you have and would have at least called and say she was still thinking about it or whatever the case may be. If she isnt seeing the importantance of time in your situation then she may be hesitant in the process; the screenings and appointments etc... But you know her better than I do and I could be way off base but it is my thought. Good luck!

notreallyme · 07-30-2007, 04:20 PM

The only concern is the age of the older cousin. I would pick the younger cousin hands down. There is a MUCH higher chance of success with younger eggs.

If the younger one is willing, I'd push for that. Have the RE discuss the seriousness of the situation and the need to be responsible with her.

If she is willing to do this, chances are she will be able to keep appointments and take injections, etc. Plus, can't you go with her to appts and such?

I must have called my sister everyday to find out how the shots were going because I was paranoid she would miss a dose...she didn't but I was stressed out relying on someone else to take all the meds.

happysmileylady · 07-30-2007, 04:37 PM

I see the advantages and disadvanages of both. While younger is better for egg quality, older is better in terms of the responsibilites of the "job." Have you talked with your RE?

kara6820 · 07-30-2007, 07:53 PM

I have some thoughts, but you may not like what I have to say. I also used ED but a friend so have some experience in this area.

If your younger cousin did not call in you the past week after you talked with her in person, that is a sign she is not going to do it. Then you left her a message and still no response....not going to do it. You really should not pressure her about it either. Obviously she is not ready to do this for you. Donating her eggs is HUGE! Not just the here and now with shots and appts. It is much bigger than that. If you have a child with her eggs, she may not be comfortable or even able to handle that. It takes a very special kind of person to donate eggs. And I do not mean anything bad by that. MOST people in the world would not cosider doing it either.

Secondly, the older 38 year old cousin. I think it is great she is willing to move forward, however, I caution you. She is older. Based on that fact alone I know my RE would not have allowed her to donate at her age.

Have you thought about going to a donor agency? I did and looked at profiles. We were fortunate to have a friend who offered but would have used the agency otherwise.

Using DE is a huge deal as I am sure you know. I do not know what your experiences are thus far with infertility but the list is probably long and I feel for you. I have been there. Just really think about the ramifications if you pressure your younger cousin and she does do it. Or if you pressure her and she decides not to. Either way, if she is making a decision due to any pressure from anyone about it, everyone will lose in the end.

Best wishes.
Kara
DE recipient and now mother to a DS

notreallyme · 07-30-2007, 08:13 PM

Kara, I think you are right about the pressuring issue. I was concerned that my sister felt pressured to donate eggs to me and we talked about it very frankly and openly. There is a certain amount of uncomfortability that occurs when you receive eggs from a known donor. There are a whole host of feelings and thoughts that occur with egg donation and sometimes it is wise to avoid that by using anonymous donors. The first cycle with my sister's eggs failed for me so we are doing it again and if it does not work, I will go to anonymous. I have young friends I could ask but it just gets weird and complicated...hence, anonymous later if necessary.

My sister offered her eggs and I didn't even ask. She just saw the devastation and grief I was going through and said, "This is ridiculous, just take my eggs. It is no big deal!" And even though she is so willing, I still feel awkward sometimes discussing it with her. I feel it is a sacrifice for her and that makes me feel obligated, needy and insecure at times. I know she would not want me to feel that way but right now I am needy. I need help and that is humbling. It is humbling to receive a gift that I could never repay.

Anyway, Kat, I also think my RE would not go for the older donor either. But let us know what happens. We are all cheering for you!

Sasha72 · 07-30-2007, 10:24 PM

I have b/g twins and when I was looking for a donor, I also asked two of my young cousins if they would donate. Both of them told me they'd think about it. Months went by and I never heard from them. I also asked my 37 year old sister but her husband didn't let her donate her eggs. I then went to an agency and I could honestly say that was the best thing I ever did!!!! It was more expensive but totally worth it!!!!

I'm really glad I didn't use a family member because I think I'd feel funny having my babies around my donor.

Good luck to you!

07-31-2007, 04:29 AM

Thanks for your perspectives!

I agree that my younger cousin not calling is a clear signal. That's what my instincts have been telling me. I have done lots of research into donors and agencies and even picked out several donors I liked; I always need to have a back-up plan in case the current plan doesn't work! My RE is willing to work with whomever I bring in, but let's see how the FSH testing goes... my cousin told me when she offered that she knows she's no "spring chicken" but we can only take the next step and see how it goes!

As far as being awkward around family, I think it depends on the family. My cousin's generosity means so much to me, especially since, due to my parents' early and very bad divorce, we didn't grow up knowing each other. In fact, she and her sister didn't even know I existed for many years! She lives pretty far away, so we see each other only every few years, and I think that distance could mitigate some of the potential emotional complications. Plus she is a very mature person and an excellent communicator, like her mom, my aunt. I feel great about her helping.

Personally, in the ideal I want my child to know the person who helped me and my beau give him or her the gift of life. Maybe that's b/c I grew up not knowing most of my family members, including my dad and half siblings.

However, life isn't ideal and I know if we eventually go with an agency donor my child won't feel that absence in his or her life -- it will be a different kind of situation -- but I feel it is worth a try to work with a relative, which is why I made this decision and sent out the letter to my cousins.

Best to all and thanks for your thoughts and good wishes,
K

cs1984cs · 08-03-2007, 12:08 PM

First I would want to make sure that your younger cousin is home at all and alright. You just never know.

I would still try to contact the younger one by explaining that it's okay if she is afraid and have had second thoughts. That this is a no pressure situation that you have other options. You don't want to burn bridges with her and yes, she may be young, but education usually does wonder. Offer to meet with her just to chat about what it means to donate (risks, psychological aspect of it, etc) and what is expected of her (abstinence, testing, shots in timely fashion, going to doc when told, keeping in regular contact with you, etc.)

If all that fails, then I'd go ahead and work with the other candidate.

my 2 cents

Good luck

08-03-2007, 03:34 PM

Thanks CS, for your thoughts. It's been almost two weeks since she said she would call and she hasn't. I called her about a week ago inviting her to talk about any aspect, asking her to get back to me, but I haven't heard back yet. I figure she is in her own space and I don't want to bother her. She'll get back to me in her own time.
So I am going ahead with the cousin who already offered; she is an excellent communicator and very enthusiastic. If the younger cousin does get back to me, which may happen eventually, I'll be sure to have a good talk with her, and see how she feels. If she is interested, then perhaps if things don't work with the 1st cousin she might be able to help.

How have you been???

07-30-2007, 11:26 AM	#1 (permalink)
hoping2bmamaKat Guest Location: NY, US Posts: n/a Blog Entries: 37	donation decision looming! Hello hello -- As many of you know, I sent letters to three cousins asking if any of them might be interested in donating eggs. One cousin has offered to be my ED. This wonderful woman is 37 -- will be 38 in September, and has a 4-yo son. (Her twin sister also got the letter and wanted to help, but she's pregnant!) My youngest cousin (22) got the same letter from me as they did, explaining my situation and inviting an open discussion. Well, I spoke with my youngest cousin briefly and she said she was excited about it. I told her that the other cousin has offered to donate, but that we haven't made any plans yet b/c we were waiting to hear HER thoughts! We didn't have a chance to complete our conversation b/c there were other family members around and we both had to dash off to work and home. She said she'd call me. So anyway, that was a week ago today and I haven't heard from her. I called her on Saturday, left a message telling er I wanted to touch base with her about the situation... and am still waiting to hear back. This young cousin and I really adore each other although we haven't communicated all that much. In some ways she is an ideal candidate. Of all my cousins, she looks the most like me and has many similar interests... Plus, she's young and might make great eggs... but I have no idea right now if ED is right for her, or for that matter if she is right for ED... On the other hand, my older cousin is a mature and articulate person. She has taken the time to communicate with me very clearly and in a timely fashion, and has generously offered this precious gift!!! I would feel so comfortable moving forward with her! So if I don't hear from younger cousin by the end of the week, I think I'd like to move ahead with the older cousin and set up our consultations, etc. with the RE. I would love to hear thoughts about this! Best, Kat

07-30-2007, 04:20 PM	#3 (permalink)
notreallyme 200-299 post 4 of hearts Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 285	The only concern is the age of the older cousin. I would pick the younger cousin hands down. There is a MUCH higher chance of success with younger eggs. If the younger one is willing, I'd push for that. Have the RE discuss the seriousness of the situation and the need to be responsible with her. If she is willing to do this, chances are she will be able to keep appointments and take injections, etc. Plus, can't you go with her to appts and such? I must have called my sister everyday to find out how the shots were going because I was paranoid she would miss a dose...she didn't but I was stressed out relying on someone else to take all the meds. __________________ High FSH = Poor Egg Quality Blocked Fallopian Tubes (left one is slightly open) 2 Failed IUI 1 canceled IVF 2 failed IVF (one egg retrieved and fertilized each time) 1st DE IVF = BFP but M/C at 6w3d on 6/29/07 2nd DE IVF = BFP but M/C twins at 5w1d on 11/20/07 1 FET with 4 6-day blasts transferred = BFP but M/C on 5/22/08 7w5d

07-30-2007, 10:24 PM	#7 (permalink)
Sasha72 400-499 post 6 of hearts Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: California Posts: 423	I have b/g twins and when I was looking for a donor, I also asked two of my young cousins if they would donate. Both of them told me they'd think about it. Months went by and I never heard from them. I also asked my 37 year old sister but her husband didn't let her donate her eggs. I then went to an agency and I could honestly say that was the best thing I ever did!!!! It was more expensive but totally worth it!!!! I'm really glad I didn't use a family member because I think I'd feel funny having my babies around my donor. Good luck to you! __________________ Me (34) DH (34) TTC 6 yrs 13 failed IUI's (2000-2005) 3 Failed IVF's w/my own eggs (6/05,07/05,9/05) 1 Failed IVF w/DE (2/06) 1st DEFET6/21/06 BFP!!!!!! Twins!!! Beta1(9dp6dt) 358Beta2(13p6dt)2,037 Beta3(16dp6dt)8,199Beta4(19dp6dt)23,258

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07-30-2007, 12:11 PM	#2 (permalink)
rbutterfly Registered User Join Date: May 2007 Location: Indiana Posts: 210	My thought: I think I would move forward with the older cousin. 22 is a young age and responsibility may not have settled in; hence the no call to this point. You would think she would understand the anticipation you have and would have at least called and say she was still thinking about it or whatever the case may be. If she isnt seeing the importantance of time in your situation then she may be hesitant in the process; the screenings and appointments etc... But you know her better than I do and I could be way off base but it is my thought. Good luck!

07-30-2007, 04:37 PM	#4 (permalink)
happysmileylady 800-899 post 10 of hearts Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Indpls IN Posts: 872	I see the advantages and disadvanages of both. While younger is better for egg quality, older is better in terms of the responsibilites of the "job." Have you talked with your RE?

07-30-2007, 07:53 PM	#5 (permalink)
kara6820 Registered User Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Illinois Posts: 388	I have some thoughts, but you may not like what I have to say. I also used ED but a friend so have some experience in this area. If your younger cousin did not call in you the past week after you talked with her in person, that is a sign she is not going to do it. Then you left her a message and still no response....not going to do it. You really should not pressure her about it either. Obviously she is not ready to do this for you. Donating her eggs is HUGE! Not just the here and now with shots and appts. It is much bigger than that. If you have a child with her eggs, she may not be comfortable or even able to handle that. It takes a very special kind of person to donate eggs. And I do not mean anything bad by that. MOST people in the world would not cosider doing it either. Secondly, the older 38 year old cousin. I think it is great she is willing to move forward, however, I caution you. She is older. Based on that fact alone I know my RE would not have allowed her to donate at her age. Have you thought about going to a donor agency? I did and looked at profiles. We were fortunate to have a friend who offered but would have used the agency otherwise. Using DE is a huge deal as I am sure you know. I do not know what your experiences are thus far with infertility but the list is probably long and I feel for you. I have been there. Just really think about the ramifications if you pressure your younger cousin and she does do it. Or if you pressure her and she decides not to. Either way, if she is making a decision due to any pressure from anyone about it, everyone will lose in the end. Best wishes. Kara DE recipient and now mother to a DS

07-30-2007, 08:13 PM	#6 (permalink)
notreallyme 200-299 post 4 of hearts Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 285	Kara, I think you are right about the pressuring issue. I was concerned that my sister felt pressured to donate eggs to me and we talked about it very frankly and openly. There is a certain amount of uncomfortability that occurs when you receive eggs from a known donor. There are a whole host of feelings and thoughts that occur with egg donation and sometimes it is wise to avoid that by using anonymous donors. The first cycle with my sister's eggs failed for me so we are doing it again and if it does not work, I will go to anonymous. I have young friends I could ask but it just gets weird and complicated...hence, anonymous later if necessary. My sister offered her eggs and I didn't even ask. She just saw the devastation and grief I was going through and said, "This is ridiculous, just take my eggs. It is no big deal!" And even though she is so willing, I still feel awkward sometimes discussing it with her. I feel it is a sacrifice for her and that makes me feel obligated, needy and insecure at times. I know she would not want me to feel that way but right now I am needy. I need help and that is humbling. It is humbling to receive a gift that I could never repay. Anyway, Kat, I also think my RE would not go for the older donor either. But let us know what happens. We are all cheering for you!

07-31-2007, 04:29 AM	#8 (permalink)
hoping2bmamaKat Guest Location: NY, US Posts: n/a Blog Entries: 37	Thanks for your perspectives! I agree that my younger cousin not calling is a clear signal. That's what my instincts have been telling me. I have done lots of research into donors and agencies and even picked out several donors I liked; I always need to have a back-up plan in case the current plan doesn't work! My RE is willing to work with whomever I bring in, but let's see how the FSH testing goes... my cousin told me when she offered that she knows she's no "spring chicken" but we can only take the next step and see how it goes! As far as being awkward around family, I think it depends on the family. My cousin's generosity means so much to me, especially since, due to my parents' early and very bad divorce, we didn't grow up knowing each other. In fact, she and her sister didn't even know I existed for many years! She lives pretty far away, so we see each other only every few years, and I think that distance could mitigate some of the potential emotional complications. Plus she is a very mature person and an excellent communicator, like her mom, my aunt. I feel great about her helping. Personally, in the ideal I want my child to know the person who helped me and my beau give him or her the gift of life. Maybe that's b/c I grew up not knowing most of my family members, including my dad and half siblings. However, life isn't ideal and I know if we eventually go with an agency donor my child won't feel that absence in his or her life -- it will be a different kind of situation -- but I feel it is worth a try to work with a relative, which is why I made this decision and sent out the letter to my cousins. Best to all and thanks for your thoughts and good wishes, K

08-03-2007, 12:08 PM	#9 (permalink)
cs1984cs Registered User Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 2,198	First I would want to make sure that your younger cousin is home at all and alright. You just never know. I would still try to contact the younger one by explaining that it's okay if she is afraid and have had second thoughts. That this is a no pressure situation that you have other options. You don't want to burn bridges with her and yes, she may be young, but education usually does wonder. Offer to meet with her just to chat about what it means to donate (risks, psychological aspect of it, etc) and what is expected of her (abstinence, testing, shots in timely fashion, going to doc when told, keeping in regular contact with you, etc.) If all that fails, then I'd go ahead and work with the other candidate. my 2 cents Good luck

08-03-2007, 03:34 PM	#10 (permalink)
hoping2bmamaKat Guest Location: NY, US Posts: n/a Blog Entries: 37	Thanks CS, for your thoughts. It's been almost two weeks since she said she would call and she hasn't. I called her about a week ago inviting her to talk about any aspect, asking her to get back to me, but I haven't heard back yet. I figure she is in her own space and I don't want to bother her. She'll get back to me in her own time. So I am going ahead with the cousin who already offered; she is an excellent communicator and very enthusiastic. If the younger cousin does get back to me, which may happen eventually, I'll be sure to have a good talk with her, and see how she feels. If she is interested, then perhaps if things don't work with the 1st cousin she might be able to help. How have you been???