Mixed feelings on using BIL as donor.

decbrowneyes · 02-05-2007, 08:07 AM

Hello!

My DH and I finally have decided to move forward w/ DIUI. We were talking about how we are going to have blood tests done to confirm our type and RH-/+.
He said...my brother is probably a match to me. We could ask him. Even if he weren't a match he would still want to ask him. He then expressed how he would tell his mother of our plans.

I have mixed feelings about this and wanted to express them here and get your feedback before I talk to my DH about it.

Here are some of my concerns...
1st - it will no longer be something we would keep to ourselves (we are not sure about telling other people) This is something I wanted to keep between us. I don't even plan on sharing the info with my sister who is my best friend.

2nd - Our child would always be compared to my BIL and his daughter and any other future children he may have.

3rd - He lives in VA, we are in WI. This may delay our plans to move forward as soon as next month.

Am I being selfish? Choosing DIUI was a pretty big step for my DH. Should I let him be the one to decide to choose family over an anonymous donor?

Has anyone or is anyone in a similar situation?

Thanks for listening!

Mindy

DiIP · 02-05-2007, 08:53 AM

Using donor anything is a very personal decision, involving so many emotions and 'what ifs'? If you are not comfortable with the idea of using your BIL (and I think your points sound reasonable) you should talk to DH about it. You certainly are not being selfish here to have some reservations.

He may not object to using a non-related donor if you explain your feelings. Or he may have some points that you hadn't thought about that would be a huge advantage. Either way, it is something that you certainly should both agree on.

cs1984cs · 02-05-2007, 02:02 PM

When using a donor, I think both partners should agree on all the steps or it will wreck havoc later, resentment could become a problem.

You have to take the time to talk (lovingly) and go over all the points that bother you and understand why that is so. Then you can either be reassured or come up with a new solution.

The telling one is a big issue; you cannot untell. You have to be sure. Also, what if your BIL gets married? How would his wife take the news?

There is a book that perhaps you could read Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates; sorry I don't have the author handy. It deals with those very issues.

I don't think you're being selfish; you're being realistic. There are some emotional implications for you as well.

I hope you come an acceptable mutual decision.

CS

decbrowneyes · 02-05-2007, 02:56 PM

Well I did some checking on Designated Donors and the cost are pretty much out the roof 2500-2700 on top of the regular fees of DIUI! We would also have to wait for 6-7 months before we could move forward. I was very surprised.

We have talked briefly about it now that I have this information and we are going to stick with an anonymous donor. I am very happy that I stopped him before he talked to BIL.

So we will move forward and hopefully next month we will be able to have or first DIUI.

Thank you for the support!

Mindy

maria2 · 02-05-2007, 10:39 PM

Eight years ago, we were going to ask dh's bil to be a donor for us, and even went to his house for dinner just to ask him, and then I suddenly got this really bad feeling about it and pulled dh into the bathroom to urge him not to ask yet. The very next morning we met w/ our RE and he said, "Be very very careful about posing that question unless you are absolutely sure." No matter the response, it's a question that can never be erased. Also, like you said, there is the possibility(probability) of a life time of comparisons between children and the brothers as parents. Anyway, I just wanted to say, I think your hesitations were wise!
-maria2

02-05-2007, 08:07 AM	#1 (permalink)
decbrowneyes Registered User Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 233	Mixed feelings on using BIL as donor. Hello! My DH and I finally have decided to move forward w/ DIUI. We were talking about how we are going to have blood tests done to confirm our type and RH-/+. He said...my brother is probably a match to me. We could ask him. Even if he weren't a match he would still want to ask him. He then expressed how he would tell his mother of our plans. I have mixed feelings about this and wanted to express them here and get your feedback before I talk to my DH about it. Here are some of my concerns... 1st - it will no longer be something we would keep to ourselves (we are not sure about telling other people) This is something I wanted to keep between us. I don't even plan on sharing the info with my sister who is my best friend. 2nd - Our child would always be compared to my BIL and his daughter and any other future children he may have. 3rd - He lives in VA, we are in WI. This may delay our plans to move forward as soon as next month. Am I being selfish? Choosing DIUI was a pretty big step for my DH. Should I let him be the one to decide to choose family over an anonymous donor? Has anyone or is anyone in a similar situation? Thanks for listening! Mindy

02-05-2007, 08:53 AM	#2 (permalink)
DiIP 5000-9999 post king of hearts Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 6,755 Blog Entries: 10	Using donor anything is a very personal decision, involving so many emotions and 'what ifs'? If you are not comfortable with the idea of using your BIL (and I think your points sound reasonable) you should talk to DH about it. You certainly are not being selfish here to have some reservations. He may not object to using a non-related donor if you explain your feelings. Or he may have some points that you hadn't thought about that would be a huge advantage. Either way, it is something that you certainly should both agree on. __________________ Warrior Princess D, Astro Slayer L born Oct 2001 C & R born Oct 2003 Don't you go looking for fair. Don't you expect a painless life. Don't go hunting for an easy road. Just you settle for wisdom.. T. Davis Bunn

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02-05-2007, 02:02 PM	#3 (permalink)
cs1984cs Registered User Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 2,198	When using a donor, I think both partners should agree on all the steps or it will wreck havoc later, resentment could become a problem. You have to take the time to talk (lovingly) and go over all the points that bother you and understand why that is so. Then you can either be reassured or come up with a new solution. The telling one is a big issue; you cannot untell. You have to be sure. Also, what if your BIL gets married? How would his wife take the news? There is a book that perhaps you could read Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates; sorry I don't have the author handy. It deals with those very issues. I don't think you're being selfish; you're being realistic. There are some emotional implications for you as well. I hope you come an acceptable mutual decision. CS

02-05-2007, 02:56 PM	#4 (permalink)
decbrowneyes Registered User Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 233	Well I did some checking on Designated Donors and the cost are pretty much out the roof 2500-2700 on top of the regular fees of DIUI! We would also have to wait for 6-7 months before we could move forward. I was very surprised. We have talked briefly about it now that I have this information and we are going to stick with an anonymous donor. I am very happy that I stopped him before he talked to BIL. So we will move forward and hopefully next month we will be able to have or first DIUI. Thank you for the support! Mindy

02-05-2007, 10:39 PM	#5 (permalink)
maria2 Registered User Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Oregon Posts: 477	Eight years ago, we were going to ask dh's bil to be a donor for us, and even went to his house for dinner just to ask him, and then I suddenly got this really bad feeling about it and pulled dh into the bathroom to urge him not to ask yet. The very next morning we met w/ our RE and he said, "Be very very careful about posing that question unless you are absolutely sure." No matter the response, it's a question that can never be erased. Also, like you said, there is the possibility(probability) of a life time of comparisons between children and the brothers as parents. Anyway, I just wanted to say, I think your hesitations were wise! -maria2