Male Perspective on Donor Sperm?

[Isaac]

Hi, I'm writing my very first post here and likely on a topic that has already been discussed on numerous occasions. I'm a 36 year old married guy and my wife and I have been together for over 12 years now. We started as any new couple does to get our life together before starting a family. A couple of years in and the urges of family took over however, as much as we tried, we weren't getting anywhere. After a number of visits to doctors, fertility clinics, and even a laproscopy it was confirmed that all the issues we're with me and that conception was highly unlikely if not impossible without serious assistance.

While we make decent money for a number of the fertility treatment options presented, the invitro route with our current financial obligations remains out of our grasp. Now we appear to be faced with the option that I personally have some issues with. Believe me, when guys think of having kids, some of us don't exactly latch onto the idea that donor sperm is the awesome alternative. For me perhaps, it's simply an alternative.

In our case we have numerous siblings on both sides that all have multiple children and then us who have none. We feel extremely left out of many things on this front and my wife is very depressed. This situation is very difficult for us talk openly about and the available options all seem problematic (e.g. financially, marital).

So I guess in my own, and likely selfish, way I'd like to know what experiences others have had when they decide to go this route. What issues do you have with your own families? Do you tell them or do you not? Do you tell your child in later years when they can understand the issue? What issues do you see in your future? What reservations especially from the male perspective did you encounter and were they correct or unfounded?

Thank you.

[rb]

Welcome to FT. It is good to see another guy post here. We are few and far between. My wife and I are starting our first IVF cycle later this month, primarily due to male factor infertility (low sperm count, motility and morphology).

I assume from your post that you have been checked out by a urologist that specializes in male factor infertility. If not, definitely do so. If so, what is your diagnosis? I had a varicocele (varicose veins in the scrotum that can cause sperm damage). I had surgery to correct it in November. I have a follow-up semen analysis next week. We'll see if there is any improvement. It could take up to a year to see any results.

As to your questions regarding the use of donor sperm, there are a lot of questions and issues to think about. A couple of books have been mentioned in this forum as being useful. These are Helping the Stork and Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates. I have read the latter, and it can be an alarming read.

Personally, I feel very uncomfortable with donor sperm, although some guys seem to be OK with it. My primary issue is that it causes an imbalance in the relationship between the father and mother. The father is the "social" father, while the mother is the social, genetic and biological (due to the pregnancy) mother. In my mind, the mother has a greater claim on the child. Again, this is my feeling, not everyone (or even anyone) else's. I would not want to feel "left out" of the family. That is, the woman and the child(ren) are a family, and I am not. This could easily cause anxiety, resentment and anger, none of which are good to have around the house. The last thing I would want to hear from a teenager conceived with donor sperm is "I don't have to listen to you! You aren't even my father!"

The women of this board are great, and several of them have conceived via donor sperm (and eggs). They seem to be generally excited about it, with some concern voiced about their husband's or partner's feelings, but there have been no postings from any men who have gone this route (that I know of), so it is hard to say what feelings or issues, if any, that they might have.

In terms of telling, it depends on the situation. Some do, some don't. If you have supportive friends and family, they will very likely be OK with it. The real question is, are you OK with it?

I hope this helps. Take care and good luck.

-rb

[Elann]

I will ask my husband to post.

We have a beautiful 6 month old DD from donor sperm. She is the light in both of our lives. After having her - the entire donor thing - which was so monumentous at the time - just kinda faded away into our lives. We just want to raise our daughter - whom we have been told looks nothing like me and everything like my husband!

She loves him to distraction. I cannot even nurse her while he is in the same room because she won't eat because she is smiling and flirting with her father. So - I think RB has a valid opinion about the "imbalance" but I disagree with it - at least in our family. (PS - I am jealous as hell of her adoration of him!)

Someday, my DH may hear our daughter say something stupid about him not being her father. He has already figured out an answer to that. He will have her write an essay about what makes a "real" father - sperm or someone who changed your poopy diaper at 3am.

Read this article - my DH was interviewed for it....

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/...ion-dads_x.htm

Please feel free to ask any questions you may have!

[Elann]

Hi I'm am Elann's husband but posting under her name. Isaac let me answer some of your questions from my perspective.

Do you tell the donor child? After reading some of the books about donor off spring and asking some of our friends who are adopted we decided that it would be best to tell the child. There are many books, even children's stories which explain it to them in their language. If the truth is witheld there is often resentment from the child as with adoption. Everyone has yearning to know where they came from. Choosing the proper time varies.

Do you tell the family? Since we chose to tell the child we thought that it would be best if we explained the situation before our daughter's birth. This way once she was born our families would have have digested the manner in which she was conceived. Initially I was terrified of telling my parents since they are old fashioned. However, once she was born they spoiled her like all their other grandchildren. Initially they did have questions like all of us.

Did I have any reservations? Definitely, having reservations about using donor insemination is perfectly natural. To deal with my discomfort I made immature jokes with my friend about the process. Fortunately my reservations dissipated the closer my wife got to her delivery. As soon as our daughter was born my feelings disappeared. Sure at times they resurface but usually when I am feeling bad about something else. My daughter Lainna looks at me like I'm some kind of hero there is no feeling so incredible.

Are my fears unfounded? All I can say is that to this point they are unfounded. My daughter is my best audience. She loves everything I say or do (which is more than I can say about my wife). I rarely to ever think about the biological factor. Many people who do not know us states that my daughter looks just like me.

Isaac these were all concerns I dealt with before Lainna was born but trust me they do go away or at least dissipate . At least they did for me.

I hope this post helps. Just post shows that you are a thoughtful person!

[rb]

Hi Elann's DH,

It is great to hear from a male on this topic. I think that you and your wife are doing a great thing in trying to dispel the stigma surrounding donor conception. I wish all three of you all the best in the future. If you think about it, poke your head in once in a while. I'm totally surrounded by girls here.

Cheers,

rb

[GinaB]

Hi Guys,

My wife is frequently on FT and asked me to take a look at this post.

We have a 6 month daughter from DIUI. Before we decided to use DS I was dead set against it. I had a ton of reservations from ones you mentioned to religious concerns. After finding out info and talking to people and our priest, I became comfortable with. I am so happy that we did it and could not imagine not having my daughter in my life.

She is my daughter, my little girl...genetics or lack of will never change it. I still had concerns during the pregnancy and even occasionally now. But it is only a quick afterthought.

We have decided to tell her at an appropriate age, whatever that is. Our families and close friends know. They love her to death.

The comment about the breast feeding was funny - my wife says the same thing about us.

I like the comment about writing a letter when they say you are not my father. I am going to use your idea when / if that happens in the future.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Monchhichi]

Originally Posted by Elann

After having her - the entire donor thing - which was so monumentous at the time - just kinda faded away into our lives.

SO true! We have two girls through DIUI. At the time, it was a huge decision and there were times where we wondered if we had made the correct decision... Once the baby arrives, all doubts are gone.

I think it was best said when I asked dh if we won the lottery if he would like to try IVF/ICSI to have another child. His response was... "Why would I want to change anything?"

[cs1984cs]

Isaac,

I'm barging in to welcome you. I hope you'll stay with us; it's always nice to hear a man's perspective and rb would be less lonely

Best wishes and babydust,

CS

[abby26]

Hi, I don't know if you want my thoughts, because I am a woman. I don't know every little thing that runs thru DHs head. At first he could not have been more against donor sperm. We originally got his sperm from a testicular biopsy, had 3 ivf transfers. We met with another urologist to make sure nothing could be done to fix it. Then he decided we were done with the emotional and financial devastation, and wanted to do donor iui. I would ahve never pushed it on him. I was willing to do donor egg too, to "level the playing field", but that would be even more expensive ivf. I was very nervous that once I got pg he would be resentful and not excited. WRONG! From the day I told him, this has been his baby. He's cried at the u/s, fretted over whether I was getting enough protein, etc. It has been more wonderful than I would have imagined. I rarely even think about it, except when I come here. I'll even wonder if the baby will inherit some trait from DH, then hours later I'll remember how this started. We aren't planning to tell. I know that goes against the grain, but we figure, why tell? I think DH is more comfortable with that. If he decides he wants to tell, I'll support him.
I'm sure Dh has thoughts every now and then that he doesn't share with me, but all in all he is very happy.
Best of luck!

[SeattleSuz]

My DH had a feeling a year ago, that with all the SA's he's given that have been so poor that we might have to go with the D.S. option. So, he's had a year to mull it over. My RE told us in October that they could cut him open and take out testicular tissue to "freeze", but that it was a long shot and like with any surgery, he would be having to take it easy for 6 weeks. Considering that he has already had 16 surgeries since late 01, we opted not to have them do that. It was hard for him to justify a surgery for a *maybe*. So, he's been digesting the fact that we are going to have to use a donor. BUT, when the time came to search through them and find an appropriate choice, he was sitting right there with me, looking and reading through the profiles. I remind him about the whole "Nature vs Nuture" aspect and how my (step) Dad and I are so much alike in personality because he had a hand in raising me. He is now so excited about the fact that I am undergoing these treatments and is really hoping that I become pregnant this month! I know it's hard for him to think about "someone else's child" but I am sure when the baby is born, things will be ok.
We have not told anyone in his family, because we do not want them to EVER treat the child differently "because he/she isn't a REAL" blood relative. So, we've just decided that they do not ever need to know and that's that.

I would try and get my DH to come on here and read and post, but he HATES being on the computer...