so torn about donor sperm...

[susan123]

My DH was diagnosed with no sperm. We knew he had no sperm in ejaculate for about 2 years, but just recently learned he has no sperm production in testicles, so no hope of his biological child, period.

Even though we knew his conditions for a while, we were hopeful that TESE/IVF/ICSI could work. Now we know that's never going to work either! I thought I'd be prepared for it, but I'm not. I'm beyond devastation and I don't even know what to think. DH is ok with donor sperm, but I find that step to be very hard. I want children desparately, but I want his children, not anybody else's. I can't imagine having a child that's not biologically DH's, but he has to raise him/her.

I absolutely HATE what happened to us, HATE the situation we are dealing with, HATE the fact that we didn't find out earlier (as if there were anything we could do...), HATE that I'm dealing with this IF crap that has taken my happiness away for the past two years!!! I HATE life in general because it sucks!

Please, I do not intend to offend anybody. I know many people created loving families through DS. But I'm having a hard time grasping this. I'd like to hear some successful stories and positive experiences with DS/DE. I'm sorry about the vent... But I heard with time, the pain will ease, is it true? Howcome we've known our IF for two years, and it still hurts so bad? When I have a baby in my arm, will I still be upset? I'm such a mess! Sorry again...

[because]

hello. I do not have a success story to offer, but I know what u must be feeling. As my husband has AZOOspermis as well.
If you really deperatly want a child and cannot be given one by dh I think the fact is SO COOL that he is ok with that. (My husband says NO WAY to DS)
Just a thought,You could use DE and DS. This way both of you can just make a commitment to raise and love a child.
Again, I am so sorry you are faced with this situation. One minute you can think I am ok with this and the next just really go off as to "WHY mE."
I hope you figure this out this stuff can really strain a relationship.
GL don't forget about the wonderful man who has offered the branch,DS

[abby26]

Hi, I know exactly how you feel. My DH has azospermia, which happened sometime after he conceived his 9 yr old with his first wife the old fashioned way. We have joint custody. We were able to get sperm from a testicular biopsy, but all that got us was spending 25K on ivf that didn't work. Then my DH, who was veeeeeeeeeery against donor sperm, decided that should be our next step, we had just been thru too much emotionally and financially. I'm actually going for my first donor iui in the am. It does take time to accept this, and atleast he is willing. I won't lie and say I'm ecstatic, I was pushing to keep trying ivf. I take comfort in all the posts I've read here, and what my RE said from the beginning-"the ultimate goal is to raise a family together". I thought about doing donor egg too, but it just seemed silly when everything is fine with me, as far as we know. That would just make ivf even more expensive. While you're figuring things out, nurture your relationship, b/c this can kill it. When I felt resentful, I had to keep reminding myself how he must feel. When we were dating I was telling a friend I wasn't sure I wanted to be a stepmother, she said,"atleast you know he can father children". Some days are better than others. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. I don't have a success story yet, but hopefully in about 9 months I will!
abby

[because]

Originally Posted by abby26

Hi, I know exactly how you feel. My DH has azospermia, which happened sometime after he conceived his 9 yr old with his first wife the old fashioned way. We have joint custody. We were able to get sperm from a testicular biopsy, but all that got us was spending 25K on ivf that didn't work. Then my DH, who was veeeeeeeeeery against donor sperm, decided that should be our next step, we had just been thru too much emotionally and financially. I'm actually going for my first donor iui in the am. It does take time to accept this, and atleast he is willing. I won't lie and say I'm ecstatic, I was pushing to keep trying ivf. I take comfort in all the posts I've read here, and what my RE said from the beginning-"the ultimate goal is to raise a family together". I thought about doing donor egg too, but it just seemed silly when everything is fine with me, as far as we know. That would just make ivf even more expensive. While you're figuring things out, nurture your relationship, b/c this can kill it. When I felt resentful, I had to keep reminding myself how he must feel. When we were dating I was telling a friend I wasn't sure I wanted to be a stepmother, she said,"atleast you know he can father children". Some days are better than others. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. I don't have a success story yet, but hopefully in about 9 months I will!
abby

abby- gl to you tomorrow with this appointment.
same here as we did get a biopsy tissue frozen. I am waiting for the paperwork to recieve it here in TX. Biopsy done in AZ., When it does get here. they will test the tissue to see if there's"anything good there. before we waste our money with a slim chance at ivf" yes, it seems so final.
I still have the hope that we can get something usable.
I hope to start ivf pretty soon if all goes well. af should be here in a cvouple weeks. I hope to get an answer from the biopsy by then so I can start thr BCP. I am thinking we have only one shot at it due to $$$. But I am willing to try it.

[Misty]

Hi! We have 28 mos old triplets through IVF with donor sperm. My husband has azoospermia due to Klinefelter Syndrome (47XXY). We found this out in Fall 1999. We did 14 IUIs using donor sperm then moved on to IVF. IVF #1 was a chemical preg and IVF #2 in Sept 2003 I got pg w/triplets. Honestly I really never think about the trio being from donor sperm and I don't think DH does either. The kids (1 especially) actually really look like him and MANY people comment that they think so too (and they don't know we used DS) and also 1 of the kids really looks like DH's oldest brother and our nephew. It is strange how things work out!

Two of our kids have blue eyes and 1 has brown eyes. I have brown eyes and DH has green eyes but no one if they have noticed have ever inquired how we ended up w/2 blue eyed kids!

DH has had no problem bonding with the triplets and really after I got pg I really didn't think about the DS situation any more.

There is a book from Amazon.com which I found very helpful "Helping the Stork" it is all about the choices and challenges involved in using donor sperm. Take a look at it if you haven't already!


Please PM me if I can answer any more specific questions you might have!

[maria2]

Just getting kitchen clean but wanted to pause and write this: I know that horrible feeling in the midst of making the decision. Try to look at it like this - you have a calling to be a parent because you want to be one and you should listen to that. It now has very little to do with how the child comes to you, what genes the child has; you are meant to parent a child, to bring a person into being, nurture the child, help him or her become a person who helps the world be itself. We chose ds after an agonizing five years in and out of IF treatments. Ds was a very difficult choice for many of us, but the process of making it allows you to do something many other parents struggle with - to separate the yearing to have blood relatives from the yearning to be a parent. Both are probably instinctual? but the latter is what propels you through the highs and lows of parenting with an undercurrent of joy. We chose ds in the end becasue it was a (relatively) safe way to parenthood - and were daunted by the various costs and complications of adoption.
Anyway, sending you thoughts of strength!
-maria2

mom to david, 4.5 and katie 2 via my eggs and two donors.
Edited to add: AND we are a great success story, albeit at the beginning of this journey. Our children are the love of our lives - and are total buddies who want to wake each other up if one's asleep to play. Like you, I had a bazillion doubts at the outset, and even in the throes of pregnancy and then in the fog that descends with the newness of babies and all that, but from this end, everything looks just so so good; I can't imagine life without our darlings. Thank god we moved ahead and took the leap of faith required.

[JenNelll]

The amazing thing I found was that it turned out to be easier for DH to accept donor sperm than it was for me, we have been ttc that way for the past five and a half years. Although I still wish we could have his biological children sometimes, it actually does get much easier! It's as my DH told me when he made the decision to go with DS, he will be there at the conception, through the pregnancy, at the birth, and he will raise the child........therefore he will be the only true father, biology doesn't matter! I found that very profound really, and I actually think he is right!
I really hope you find it all a little easier soon.
Jen

[mindymommy]

First of all, it is perfectly normal to hate what happened to you and the situation you're in. I felt the exact same way. My DH also has no sperm and no amount of medical intervention will change it. After discussing our options, donor sperm or adoption, for several months, we chose donor sperm. I got pregnant on our first dIUI. I'm due in December. The fact that we used ds to start our family is a complete non-issue for us. I don't think about it nor does DH. We have the support of our families and our friends, and they don't think of this baby as someone else's. I believe that is because we made the right decision for US. It will take some time and some tears to come up with the best decision, but make that decision on what is right for you.

I truly, truly believe that our (notice I said our) son is just that, ours. We do wish that things had been different and that we didn't have to make this choice, but in the end, we want to be parents. Think things over, cry over whatever you want, take your time. I'm sure you and your DH will make the best decision for your family.

[BC-MAV]

I couldn't get pregnant at all. We had great embryos and no explanation for our infertility. I never thought about donor eggs because my eggs were great and fertilized well... they just never made it to a pregnacy in me. What I wanted most was to be a mom (the pregnancy part and breastfeeding didn't matter... well at first I wanted to experience those but those desires lessened) and the thing that mattered most was being a Mom. We turned to surrogacy. Then when our embryos took so long to get a pregnancy with a SM we turned to donor egg. I love both our children and there was no pregnancy. But if I could get pregnant I'd like to experience that and with DS you could experience that if it's important to you. Neither I nor my DH had the pregnancy experience (except through our SM in far away CA) and we are very attached to our 2 boys. Hope you come to a decision. It may take time to get used to. DH was vehemently opposed to donor egg at one point and obvisouly he got over that!

[fetch]

Originally Posted by susan123

My DH was diagnosed with no sperm. We knew he had no sperm in ejaculate for about 2 years, but just recently learned he has no sperm production in testicles, so no hope of his biological child, period.

Even though we knew his conditions for a while, we were hopeful that TESE/IVF/ICSI could work. Now we know that's never going to work either! I thought I'd be prepared for it, but I'm not. I'm beyond devastation and I don't even know what to think. DH is ok with donor sperm, but I find that step to be very hard. I want children desparately, but I want his children, not anybody else's. I can't imagine having a child that's not biologically DH's, but he has to raise him/her.

I absolutely HATE what happened to us, HATE the situation we are dealing with, HATE the fact that we didn't find out earlier (as if there were anything we could do...), HATE that I'm dealing with this IF crap that has taken my happiness away for the past two years!!! I HATE life in general because it sucks!

Please, I do not intend to offend anybody. I know many people created loving families through DS. But I'm having a hard time grasping this. I'd like to hear some successful stories and positive experiences with DS/DE. I'm sorry about the vent... But I heard with time, the pain will ease, is it true? Howcome we've known our IF for two years, and it still hurts so bad? When I have a baby in my arm, will I still be upset? I'm such a mess! Sorry again...

I can completely relate. What you're going through was what my DH and I were going through 2yrs ago when we found out he had zero motility. He had a zero sperm count, so even though our RE said we could try ICSI (IVF not possible in our situation), we just didn't like the risk that we'd produce an offspring that would most likely inherit his infertility issues as well as other possible defects because of his sperm issues. We were told that there were risks of having a child w/ medical issues -- sorry, it's been a long time since I thought about this, so I can't recall off the top of my head why that was. All that I know is that the risk was way too high to put a child through.
We spent 6 months following that on a "break" from fertility treatments to think about what to do. We also went to councelling to talk about it. The councellor herself had fertility issues, so she related and gave us the support and answers we needed.

We finally decided to see if we could find a donor that would fulfill what we felt we wanted and we did.
We are very happy to have a happy and healthy baby boy and will try for our #2 w/ the same donor in the next 6 months.

It's a hard thing to go through, let alone trying to explain it to family. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me.