Choosing a donor

[Agnieszka]

Hi, everybody,
Because of some fertility-issues we have to use donor-sperm in order to start our family. Our doctor strongly suggested California Cryobank.
We already found a donor we both like very much. He seems to be very caring and responsible and also humorous. He also seems to love his family very much. We were looking for a man, who is a bit like my husband and i think we found him. He also shares our hobbies (basketball, baseball).
BUT: We are a roman catholic family, i am polish, my husband of irish-german background. The donor is jewish and of russian-english origin. We fear that could be a problem, because we do not know much about jewish culture and russian culture.
What will it be like for that child when he or she grows up? Will he think that we are depriving him of his culture and religion? Depriving him of his roots?
The same is true for social class. We are a working class family and the donor spend four years in College. California Cryobank recruits its donors from Colleges like Harvard.
We wounder if that could be a problem.

First we were euphoric about starting our family with donor sperm, but now we are very scared and do not know what`s right and what`s wrong.

Any comments?

Thanks!

Patrick and Agnieszka

[CrystalAZ]

Welcome to FT! Hopefully you will find an online home here like I have.

About his roots... well, I am Irish/German/Native American. And I know absolutely nothing about the cultures. I am an American, and I live in American culture.

If culture and roots are important in your family, then you'll learn about your child's roots with him/her. You can check out books and read websites and teach your child about his/her people. You can even teach him/her the Jewish traditions and religion if you would like, or you can raise him/her in your Roman Catholic traditions only. If he/she has an interest in Judaism, he/she can definitely pursue that him/her self when he/she is older.

As far as social class, that isn't something that is genetic. Because your child's DNA will be coming from someone who made it far, perhaps some intelligence and drive will be genetic, but all that will do for him/her is up their odds of success in whatever they decide to be and do, and there is nothing wrong with that!

The most important thing is that your child has a home with love and security and support. And it sounds like you would definitely give them that!

So my opinion is to go forward knowing that you will be open to giving your children whatever they need, and take the rest of the stuff day by day. If you love your donor, stick with it and don't worry about the details.

Hugs,

Crystal

[GinaB]

Hello and welcome! FT has definitely been a source of support while my dh and I struggled with IF. We also have severe male factor IF and used donor sperm, our little girl was born 4 weeks ago (very healthy, no complications during the pregnancy or during the birth)

We are Catholic as well, and met with our priest to disucss our interest in using donor sperm. He was very supportive and gave us the "green light" to proceed with insemination. He recommended choosing a donor who has a strong medical background (this was his suggestion, but everyone looks for different things in their donor) Our donor also comes from a different culture (European) but to us, that was not a significant factor in whether or not to select him. I agree with what Crystal said. If a donor comes from a different culture, as the child's parents, you can introduce that culture to the child (or not) so that he/she can be more culturally aware of their genetic backgound. Its up to you and your dh. We choose our donor based on his medical background,personality, intelligence/education, and had a known history of pregnancies reported from the sperm bank.

I can tell you that when our daughter was born, my dh fell instantly in love with her. She is daddy's girl . We are grateful to the donor, because if it werent for him, we would not have the miracle that we have today.

Good luck to you and your dh!!

Gina

[Agnieszka]

Thank you both very much for your answers and your warm welcome !

CrystalAZ,

Yes, culture is very important in our family. I was born in Poland and grew up in Germany. My husband is American, but his father was born in germany and his mother is from an irish family, which has been living in America for generations, but they still cherish the Irish culture still very much. We met in Germany and we speak German in our family.
As for Russian culture: I think it is very difficult to provide children with information about a culture if one is not a part of that culture. But it may not be impossible... and it may also come to pass that our child will grow up not interested in Russian culture at all. May be she/he will feel only American like you do. May be she/he will feel Polish/Irish/German-American and not care about his genetic heritage.

You are right. Social class is not genetic and intelligence and drive will not harm one whatever ones class is... our fear is rather that our child will feel deprived. Our child will most likely not go to Harvard and we wondered what it will be like for that child to know "my donor went to an Ivy League College and i will not have that chance". Must feel like downward social mobility.

I happened to met a women who went to and Ivy League College and she told me that she thinks our child will have a better chance of getting in there when he/she states on the application "my donor went to your university". Sounds great.

Also an Ivy Leagua College may not be important for the kid. Probably he/she will have very different plans for the future.

Yes, we really sort of love that donor.

He is very much what we searched for in terms of character and looks... he even got freckles. My husband has got dark brown hair and freckles and, you know, it is a very rare combination... but the donor has dark brown hair and freckles, too. I am sure we will not find that again.

Do you need a donor, too? Have you already chosen one?

[Agnieszka]

GinaB,

Congratulations! You must be so happy! How long did it take you to conceive? which cryobank did you use?

We also look for good health in our donor. That was very important to us. We ruled out everybody with serious health problems in his family. His personality also played a great role for us. We placed great importance on the donor essays.
We want him to look like my husband.
We also want and open donor. That complicates our search, because there are not that many open donors.

You know, it is sort of "scary", because one does not know which is the right choice. It is one of the most important choices we ever had to make.

[CrystalAZ]

I can't see how your child would feel deprived. You are obviously intelligent, loving, and you will appreciate your baby so much!

Before you worry that he won't be able to get into Harvard, see what he ends up being interested in. He may want to be an artist or a mechanic or a computer tech.

And as far as culture, I don't think it is bad to teach the baby about his culture. I have met caucasian parents who adopted AA babies and learned about AA history and culture for their children. It can be done. And if it is important to you, I'd say go for it. You can probably find Russian or Jewish groups either locally or online that will help you out.

I think your donor is the right choice for you. And sorry I keep saying "he" - I just have a feeling that you are going to have a boy!!! (Probably one with brown hair and freckles )

As for me, we don't need DS. I need donor eggs due to my ovaries moving to an inaccessable area due to surgical scarring. So although I respond well to meds and have a great FSH, they are unable to get to my eggs and I have to do DE. We had our first cycle in July which was a BFN. We are gearing up now for a frozen cycle where we'll thaw a few of our 9 frozen embies.

Crystal

[GinaB]

I think that you and your dh have found "the" donor, and what a match all the way down to the freckles That's awesome. Selecting a donor can be tough, and sure can take a while to choose the right one.

We choose Fairfax Cryobank ( we looked at them and California Cryobank). We were pleased with them, and had no problems. We got pregnant on the first try with the IUI, we were lucky. It was a natural cycle for me (no meds). We used one vial, and had a good count on the post thaw. (62 million with 42% motility) We are so happy with our decision to use donor sperm. We're planning on trying for #2 sometime in the spring, as dh and I arent getting any younger! and who knows really how long it will take to conceive.

Which bank will you use??

[DiIP]

lkhj

[we_love_cats]

Hi Gina;
I am very interested in what your priest had to say as i too am Catholic and have struggled with the ds issue. Dh has azoospermia. My mom who is a staunch Catholic is really struggling with our decision to use ds, so much so that we have chosen not to tell her until we get pg?? If your comfortable i would be interested in reading your priest's response... thanks

[kiwi1107us]

Dear Patrick and Agnieszka,
my husband and I are in your same situation. Due to a severe sperm production problems, we hacided to go for Donor Sperm, and have been told to choose a donor from the California Cryobank. Being catholic, my husband refuses to choose any of Jewish descent, I don't mind because I think that it is your religious belief are not inherited, they are "learned behavior".
Also, I don't mind that the "biological" father of the child is educated, but my husband feels threatened since he never finished University. But again, I think that parents always want something better for their child. At least my parents have worked hard all their lives to give my brothers and sisters and I the best of everything. Things that their parents were unable to give them, so it is better. My husband is a very successful businessman, but was not "academically inclined". So i think he should feel threatened by 50% of the genes our "possible" child will inherit. What worries me the MOST about using Donor sperm, are genetic disease that are scientifically proven to be inherited. I read an article in October's issue of SELF MAGAZINE, where it states that most donorsare not tested for many genetic diseases. And the bank, does not even test for drug or alcohol use. The bank does corroborate the Family History filled out by the applicant, and if we do have a sick child...they are not held responsible.
THAT IS VERY SCARY!!! I am very worried since we have one week left to choose our 3 donor options, since we are scheduled for IVF the 1st week of NOvember.
Good Luck, and I wouldn't worry about religion,
Karla