Question for those who have been successful

[Abilene]

My DH and I live in a very small town. We do not wish to advertise our DE situation or pregnancy plans to anyone. We just want to "appear" normal- like everyone else, just a bit older. Our problem is I don't even want our OB to know and we are getting the DE's and the RE is in another state 250 miles away. I don't mind testing and the reasons for doctors wanting to tests like triple screen where the answer is based on mothers race and age, but I am almost willing to lie to the OB or use two different doctors (ob's) one during treatment first two months or so and then a different one for the delivery. The RE says I have to tell the OB.I have seen the slip ups so many times where we live no matter how many rules there are. We had calls before we were home from my last M/C- so much for privacy. How have others handled this or not? If we lived in a major city I would not care, but not here. Am I so wrong to want to fit in and be normal just this once?

Abilene

[maria2]

Go with your gut, I say! Your RE must have no idea what it is like living in a small town. Having just moved from a small town, I totally relate to what you are saying. I had an excellent OB there who absolutely never breached confidentiality, but he was the exception. We witnessed psychologists, doctors, nurses, etc. reveal confidential information ALL THE TIME, particularly in social situations. We became extremely wary. My wonderful doctor and his highly ethical nurses never breathed a word about our diui pregnancies, but if he hadn't been so discreet I think I would have used another ob in a city! And we're disclosing! I just think it's no one's business the path you find to bring a child into your lives unless YOU choose to make it so.
-maria2
mom to David 4 and Katie 2 via diui and my eggs

[cs1984cs]

No you're not wrong about wanting to fit the maintstream; to tell or not is a matter of personal choice. I used to live in a small town and can understand; there is no privacy. Skeletons are out of the closet in full view. I am personally like you; I don't want to feel singled out by my entourage or family b/c of their beliefs. I don't want to be the highlight of some afternoon tea if I am not there and it's none of their business. However, I don't have the OB problem b/c I live by a big city where people cannot even make eye contact. LOL So, I will be able to tell my OB, but it will stop there with him; I won't tell any other soul.

I didn't even ask why we have to tell our OB; what does it matter if it's someone else's cell. Perhaps you should have a discussion with your RE about your concerns and see if you can avoid telling and what the repercussions would be. I know I will

Are you so far to a big city that you cannot use an OB there or far enough that you can get away with it? Mine is 45 miles away, but he is worth the drive.

I hope it works out for you

[DiIP]

I'm also not sure why your RE said you HAD to tell your ob. There are two tests that I am aware of that are age related: AFP test and amnio. If you decline both, age is not an issue. If you do want them though, you need to disclose the age of the donor so the results will be read properly.

Additionally, when our children were born, the hospital strongly suggested ( I don't THINK it was required) that if the genetic history of hearing was not known that we run a seperate test. With dd, we knew her donor and knew no hearing problems were inherited. With the twins, we didn't know so we had them tested. Technically, we could have just lied and said there were problems and requested them to be tested anyway, so you really don't have to disclose even under circumstances like that.

[Abilene]

DiIP:

The RE claims the age of the donor is required for a triple screen test. I am leaning to declining most testing or if they question it - let them run it and don't say a word. How did we all manage to get here before all this testing was available. Perhaps leaving it up to God is a good thing?!

Everyone who has already responded:
Thank you sooooo much for your feed back. I needed confirmation that I am not crazy for wanting to be private.

Abilene

[flicka7]

I told my OB at my first visit. He said, OK so you don't need these tests then...

After that, it NEVER came up again. The hospital never mentioned it at his birth.

I don't see why you'd have to tell anyone. Just decline the tests... It is YOUR choice.

Kim
6 IVF's, 2 m/c
DEFET- son born 8/9/05, DEFET - expecting twins 2/22/07

[BC-MAV]

I am confused... triple screen tests are not mandatory.... I have NEVER had one done even though it was suggested. I could see where an RE has a pool of donors and recquire a certain age but a Dr. can not recquire a certain test. You are the patient!!!

[cs1984cs]

I've been thinking about your dilemma. I came up with an idea which is not a comfortable one, but up to you to do what you want with it

You could use an OB out of town as you suggested doing for the first couple of months, but stick with him/her until the end; the way you do that is by scheduling a (elective) C-section with him/her for delivery which is not uncommon these days.

[50/50]

I did not disclose to my OB! However, I declined on doing those tests that required info of the mother's age, etc. At 17 weeks or so I had the full screening (i forget the name of it) but it was a very detailed u/s and they can tell then if there were any major probs or not. It's not necessary to disclose to your ob if you do not wish too. Just want to mention though that if you are using a de that does not have the same blood type as you or dh and the baby comes out with xx, that may raise some eyebrows. Some pedi's don't test for blood type but ours did.

Good luck!

[BC-donor]

You do NOT have to tell your OB, so just put that thought out of your mind. There is absolutely NO reason that your OB needs to know that you used a donor or that you even did IVF. Once you're pregnant, your pregnancy will be just like every other one. We declined every test that was offered to us & that was our choice. Your OB can suggest tests be done, but you absolutely DO NOT have to have ANY of them done!!

If you were to decide to do an AFP then you'd have to tell them the donors age because the age will affect the tests. If you don't say anything & had it done & it came back abnormal, they'd want to do an amnio & although the risks are small with amnios, most people don't want to take any risks after going through so much just to get pregnant!!

Go with your gut. BTW, if you saw an OB for the beginning of your pg & then transferred, your 2nd OB would want records from the previous OB to know how things have been going. I wouldn't even go that route. Just go with whomever you choose & don't tell him/her that you used DE. They don't need to know. It won't affect your pregnancy whether they know or not.

A lot of the time, baby's blood types aren't checked unless you have RH- blood type. I have no clue what my childrens blood types are & I was told that because I'm not RH-, they didn't check my babies types after birth.

Also, a lot of hospitals & insurances won't allow a c-section that isn't medically necessary, unless it's a repeat c-section.