Who should we tell?

[bilabon]

My husband and I are about to start treatment using doner sperm, both our parents know. But my sisters keep asking difficult questions, we had planned on not telling anyone else, but now I'm not so sure, should we involve them in this very special secret?

[DiIP]

If you are not sure, I would not say anything just now. This is purely based on the fact that, once you tell, you cannot untell. You can always tell later when you are more comfortable about sharing the information with your sisters.

You might want to review why you initially made the decision to not share the information. Is that still valid? Has something new come up that has made you more prone to tell? To give you more food for thought on the tell/don't tell issue, you might want to read the thread pinned to the top of this board that talks about why folks tell or don't tell about the donor issue. It really is very personal to each couple about what they feel is appropriate for their situation and family.

Here is the link to the post on tell/don't tell:

http://www3.fertilethoughts.com/foru...d.php?t=292990

[Someday1]

I totally agree. Don't tell if unsure. You can see how it feels later. Good Luck!

[BC-MAV]

Don't tell if you are unsure. You can always reveal later should you feel comfortable. But once you tell you can't take it back. We haven't told any family or friends about DE and if I did tell one person I don't think they even remembered. The baby looks just like his brother so DH's genes are strong. At this point in our lives with baby being almos 8 months I don't see a reason to tell anyone. We will tell the baby when he grows up but for now noone really cares how he came to be. They just think he's adorable!

[50/50]

Yep, once you let it out it's out there to stay. I regret bringing up donor issues at all with anyone in the past. Because when we went through our cycle and got pg we decided not to disclose to anyone but our little dd.

[Cruz831]

We have decided to let our child tell everyone if they wish.

[Marci]

I agree with everyone - once you tell, you can't take it back. I now wish I hadn't told a couple of people. My mom, sister, dh's sister, best friend, another friend who did the same know. I wish I hadn't told me best friend yet (that's terrible, as I tell her everything, but she always asks stupid questions - I wish I had waited until our child was here, and I probably would have then told her. My friend who had gone thru the same thing- I'm glad I told. She helps me when I'm feeling discouraged when something doesn't work, etc. She KNOWS where I'm at and what we're going thru. Our dh's are friends, but I bet $1,000 that they haven't spoken of it! They both know the others "big secret" - but I can't imagine them in the den, throwing darts and saying "so, how'd the donor sperm insemination go this month?" "So, you said your donor was a chemical engineer?"

By all means, think carefully of who you tell. I was just so excited about actually having a chance, I wanted to tell the world - which we're not, if our child wants to tell the world - kudos. I'm afraid my whole family knows anyway - since my mom knows (and my whole family is 3,000 mi away!). My friend who went thru this told NO ONE except me. Not even her mom or sister. The only other person who knows is her OB (who did the insems) and now her ped (and only because her 2 yr old was having some health problems). Of course she now gets to hear from her whole family (she adopted 5 yrs ago) "see, you just needed to adopt and relax and it happened". She just responds with "I think you were right!"

Blessings!

Marci

Absolutely by all means, follow the advice of the others!! You can't untell what you've told, so if you're not sure if you want to tell anyone (including your child/children), then don't say a word to anyone. You can always decide at a later time to tell those who you wish to tell. It really isn't anyone's business what you do to conceive your children. All that anyone needs to know is that your children were very much wanted & that they're loved more than anything else in this world!!

[Adrienne]

Ther are some people that know but we haven't told everyone. Just not really soemthing they need to know. Personally, I thin our son is the one to decide who he wants to tell when that time comes.

It is funny that some of the people that know are the ones that talk about how much our ds looks like dh's side of the family--which he doesn't.

[bilabon]

Thankyou everyone for your advice, I'm glad I've found this site its going to hard over the next 12 mths or so, just knowing I have have an extra source of support is going to be really helpful!!