Any advice?

[mommywanttobe]

I have just received my 2nd opinion on what route I could possibly take to have a baby. Right now, both RE's have concluded that my only option would be DE. Being new to this stuff, does anyone have any good ways to getting over the hurdle of devastation that you will never be able to look at your child and see your own characteristics? I know people say that the baby would be "yours" but how do you cope with that news??? I feel selfish asking that question but I am trying to be honest with myself prior to taking that leap. HELP??!!!

[CrystalAZ]

I am going through the same thing, but have gotten to the point now where I am more excited than regretful.

I guess for me, I have to face reality. Reality is that I won't have a child who has my genetics. It just can't happen.

I have two choices on how to deal with that - I can dwell on that and grieve for the child who will never be, or I can look to the future with hope and determination and know that I will hold the child that will be mine - that was MEANT to be mine.

Because our children will have our characteristics. They may not have the same birthmark, or the same gold flecks in their eyes, or the same frizzy hair (lucky lucky them!! ) but they will learn our smiles, our laughs, our way of looking at the world. We will laugh as we overhear them telling their friend something we had told them just the day before. They will laugh at our jokes (and later roll their eyes at the same jokes) just like a genetic child would. We will teach them to draw faces and enjoy watching their unsteady hands make wobbly reproductions of our "art".

Only the first 8 or so cells will come from someone else, and our blood and bodies will do the rest to form OUR children.

I am new to this too, but I refuse to let IF win. I WILL get my baby!!! And if this is the way I am meant to do that, I will follow that road to its end with all my heart and soul.

Hugs to you. The only advice I have for you is to keep looking forward to your future as a mommy. You aren't a mommywanttobe. You are a mommygoingtobe.

Crystal

[50/50]

When I did my last ivf with my own eggs I knew that my only or the quickest way of getting pg was to use DE. Yes I did feel sad that I couldn't have a bio baby but I wanted to be a mom more than having that genetic connection. I saw my unborn child to be more of a "soul" than a "body" and felt no matter what body came to me it would be the same "soul". Not sure if that makes sense or not?

I just had my darling baby 7 weeks ago and I can tell you without a doubt that she is ALL mine. We used DE and DS. I might be dreaming but I see features of mine in her face, she has some mannerisms the same as mine as well. Even DH tells me it's so strange she does some of the same things you do.

Seriously when you see your baby for the first time all your worries will disappear. You will fall instantly in love with her/him.

I also have to tell you that my dh was raised by a stepfather who he loved very much. DH is so like his stepdad it's uncanny. He laughs and always loves to hear me say that.

I wish you much luck in your decision. You may want to see a therapist who specializes in this?

[lleva99]

I don't have much more advice to give; the ladies before me have written so eloquently what is in my heart. I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at age 21-resulting from chemo, radiation and a bone marrow transplant as a child. I knew in my heart that the diagnosis would come some day but there was no way to prepare for the devastation that I felt when I heard my doctor say that there was absolutely no way I'd ever have a bio child.

I feel your pain and will tell you that it's not something that you get over right away. My best advice is tp give yourself time to grieve but not too long-you can't let IF defeat you. You have to remind yourself that you want to be a mother and that is what is important. Not whether the child is genetically linked to you. It's hard to deal with at first and it is scary because you do wonder if you will be able to love the child(ren) the same if they are not "yours" genetically.

But they ARE "yours" every bit of them. We adopted our daughter at birth in a private, domestic adoption. She is a miracle and I can't imagine loving any child more if I tried. It doesn't matter that she isn't genetically linked to either me or my husband. She is OURS and that's what matters. And even though she didn't come from my eggs or my dh's sperm or even grow inside me she does act like my husband & I and she even looks a bit like us. We are starting our journey with donated embies and my biggest fear is how I could possibly have enough love to feel the same way about the coming baby as I do for my dd. I know that it will be there; it's just unbelievable to imagine that I could possibly have that much love to give!

Rest assured that once you take time and deal with the reality of the situation you will realize that the ultimate goal is to be a mommy and that passion will take over sooner than you know it.

Blessings and hugs your way. If you'd like to talk feel free to PM me.

[mmi]

I think you take your time to grieve and then you start thinking about all the pluses of being a mom and having a miracle. Once that miracle is placed in your arms, you will know 100% for sure that this was the baby God meant for you to have and the donor stuff just goes out the window.

Wishing you a quick miracle.

For me it was taking the all the time I needed to grieve for the "death" of my natural child that will never be before I could make the leap. It was the same for my DH. Once we both agreed that it was the path, we made the leap to search for an ED. The child will still be related to my husband which is great. Environment will have to do the rest.

Here is another thread with the more answers: http://www3.fertilethoughts.com/foru...d.php?t=397539

Peace to you

[mommywanttobe]

Thanks for all the comforting words. It's just a lot to take in. I have a lot to work though and your words helped. I am frustrated that my first RE required a hefty deposit just to get on the DE list (which has a year long wait!) and no REFUNDS! Now I went to another RE to get a second opinion and he has viable donors right now. Why do things have to be so complicated???!!!!

It sounds like your RE is not exactly straight forward. We are very vulnerable creatures with our IF issues and easily lead down the wrong path. I would be very upset with him for not giving me all the options and hiding behind that kind of BS.

Are you absolutely sure the deposit is not resfundable, I mean, iron clad non-refundable? Where there is a will there is a way.

[mommywanttobe]

Well, the paperwork says non-refundable with a verbal saying of "only if you get pregnant". I guess if I went with my second RE and used their DE--technically I would be pregnant.....hum....I just don't want my first RE to find out and get screwed out of the hefty deposit. I guess I should look over all the paperwork and see....maybe consult a lawyer???....

First of all, 's to you. Hearing the words that you need to use a donor, whether it be sperm or eggs, is never an easy thing to hear! Allow yourself some time to grieve the loss that you feel & don't think that your feelings aren't valid. Once you allow yourself to scream, cry, vent, rant, whatever you need to do to come to grips with what you need to do to become a Mommy, then you'll be able to move forward.

As for the non-refundable deposit to get on the waiting list......is he serious?? I would ask further into that & make sure that it's only non-refundable if you choose a donor or get pregnant. It shouldn't be that it's non-refundable if you just change your mind, for whatever reason, you know??

Ok, on to your question of how to get over the feeling of loss that you'll never look into your childs eyes & see yourself. I look at my children & see soooooo many characteristics of me in them!! I see my kids doing things that I did as a child myself, or saying something the same way I said it when I was little. I once read a study that someone had posted here a couple years ago that said that our bodies have an influence on which traits will surface from our children & the study was written based on people doing donor gametes.

Crystal hit the nail on the head when she said that only the first few cells are from someone else & that OUR bodies do the rest!! It's YOUR blood that will flow through the placenta & give your baby life; it's YOUR body that will nourish that baby & make him/her grow into a healthy baby. The donor only donates a cell- the baby comes from the love & efforts of you & your DH.

I know that it's quite a shock to hear this news, but hang in there!! You can make it. Once you realize that this will absolutely be YOUR child, the fears & pain that you're feeling right now won't even exist.

I have never, ever once, not for a second, looked at my children & thought that they weren't mine. They are mine- I created a comfortable place for them to grow inside of me, I gave them nourishment & love while they were growing inside of me, I gave birth to them & brought them into this world, I gave them nourishment once they were in this world & I love them every minute, of every second of every day. They are mine & no one could convince me otherwise.

Hang in there!!!