Update on RE appt and questions/thoughts

[CrystalAZ]

Well, we had our "second opinon" RE appointment today. He seems to think with the help of a surgeon friend that he may be able to free my ovaries and bring them down where they are supposed to be. BUT maybe not and it would be another expensive (and more extensive) surgery. AND of course I am almost 38 so the chances of success are getting lower and lower. So we are probably not going to go down that road.

My 2nd choice, using DE from my sister, was made for me when she passed away on December 9.

Which leaves donor eggs or donor embryos. The IDEA of this sounds great. I'd get to be pg, have a baby, raise a child. The goal of being parents will be reached this way.

Yet, when I came home and started looking at egg donor profiles - all these young girls smiling out at me, it became so real. How do you pick a woman to have a baby with your husband????

Of course, I will mull it over and talk with DH and we will decide, as we have done all along this terrible IF path. DH said today that he has come to the point where if it doesn't happen and we stay child free, he would be ok. I am FAR from that point. I cannot give up my dream of being a mommy.

The good news is we both really like the new RE. The first one we have felt we could connect with.

So those who are sharing this struggle, or who have kids by DE - does this become more "normal" feeling? When does it feel like YOUR baby? How do you deal with people like my sister (the other one who is not a good donor) who say "EWWWW! You want to carry a STRANGER'S baby?!?!"

Any words of encouragement are appreciated.

Crystal

Dear CrystalAZ,

First let me give you a virtual hug. I understand what you're going through and it's not easy to unravel the mess of thoughts that stem from such news. The loss of your sister surely intensifies and adds to your feelings. You have to grieve for two losses.

I went through a similar feeling of having a stranger have a baby with my DH. Grieving for the "death" of the natural child we never had a chance to conceive. Thinking that if it's not with our own dna then it's not the point of having a child. Recognizing that 1/2 our dna is not so bad after all; we'd like one shot at it. Feeling the weight of finding a ED. Looking at all those profiles and trying to figure out what really matters if any of it really does besides healthy and fertile since in the end there is no guarantee the child will have any of the characteristics from DH and ED. Figuring out how much money, emotions and time we are willing to invest and still reserving the right to call it off when it gets to be too much to handle. And right now, after handing it off to an agency because doing it ourselves proved to be too much, waiting to be matched. That endless wait ...

To solve a the first question (having a stranger have a baby with my DH): My DH and I have agreed that he will not view the pictures of the ED, only I will, and really it is not like there is any physical contact. It's all done in a cold anemic lab. Since the ED is supposed to be as close to me as she reasonably can be, I made the list of desired traits etc and ran it through my DH. For all intent and purpose, she is my reflection, not some stranger.

Grieving took a lot of time and crying, and supporting each other by just being close and silent or talking about it.

Hang in there and take whatever time you feel is necessary.

Good luck.

I forgot ... We decided not to tell anyone; we feel it's nobody's business so we don't have to deal with being judged by "mortals." It's a personal choice; see the Tell or not to tell thread in this forum for more views.

[AmyA]

Children & PG MENT

Well we used donor sperm, not donor eggs, but both DH & I feel totally comfortable with it. Our 1st pg brought us twins(who are 4 now) and they are definitely OUR kids. I am now pg again from the same donor it's is oddly normal to us to have used donor sperm at this point. I wouldn't hesitate to use donor eggs if I were you .

[CrystalAZ]

Thanks to both of you.

DH and I look at it in different ways (well, we are very different) and that is part of the stress of this.

It is too late to have only me look at the donors, which would have been great, but DH wouldn't have gone for that anyway. He thinks I am being too picky about unimportant things like eye and hair color, but as you said, this is supposed to be a replacement for me, and I want her and her family to have similar patterns to my family.

Also, we have very different views on telling or not telling. I would tell our families and the child, but don't want to tell friends, coworkers, etc. DH thinks it is no big deal. I asked him how he would feel if it was another man's sperm but he said he wouldn't care. I guess it is just not as big a deal to him... but it doesn't change my feelings. I don't want to deal with the judgments that come along with a decision like this. And don't want people inspecting our child to see if there are traits of DH and not traits of me.

The whole thing is so sad. My family makes such beautiful babies and there are characteristics of my family that I would love to see. Us Rambos have some pretty distinctive features. Oh well - won't dwell on that.

In the end, when we have a baby, I will know it is all worth it. Thanks for listening and for the input. It is so appreciated!!!

Crystal

[BC-donor]

First of all Crystal, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Second of all, you MUST get rid of the thought that you're carrying someone elses baby or that your DH is having a baby with someone else!! Neither of those statements is even remotely true!!! First, when you receive an egg from a donor, it is a cell, NOT a baby. It is your body that will create the environment for your baby to grow & develop. It will be YOUR blood that will flow through the placenta & into your baby, that will ultimately give YOUR child life. You have to realize that when you do a DE cycle you're not replacing yourself. You just need a little help to bring your baby into your lives, but you're still very much the Mommy of what ever child/children that come of that cycle!! Without YOU, there would be no chance of a baby coming into this world. You would be the one to be pregnant & carry YOUR baby. It is you & only you that will love & nurture that baby- NOT the donor!!

When we first started looking at donor profiles, we were VERY specific on the things that were "must have's" for any donor that we would choose. She HAD to have my hair & eye color, be the same height (within 1-2") & the same weight as me. When we were looking & finding it difficult to find someone with every single requirement, we finally realized that just because we chose a donor with everything the same as me, that wouldn't be a guarantee that our kids would have my eye or hair color or be the height/weight as me. We started looking at our friends & family around us & realizing that their kids didn't always have their same characteristics, even though they were all from the same parents. We chose a couple important characteristics that we would still keep as our "must have's", but we decided that whether she had my hair/eye color, it didn't matter. You have to get to the point where you say, "ok, some things aren't that important & then stick to the things that are absolutely a must for your donor to have.

I never once thought that the eggs weren't mine. Once I heard that the retrieval was done, it was a done deal, they were mine & they were my potential babies. You have to stop looking at it as though it's another woman's baby & not your own. You will love that baby long before you even know if your cycle worked! You will talk to your belly while you're in your 2ww, begging your little one to just snuggle in so that you can give him/her loads of hugs & kisses 9 months later. I promise, any fears you have WILL melt away!!

It's NOT the egg that makes the baby, it's the love & care that you give the baby that makes it grow.

As far as telling or not, there's a thread pinned at the top of the page that allows people to give their own personal reasons that they chose to tell or not. YOu need to sit down with your DH & explain to him that while you want to tell CERTAIN people, you don't want people who's business it really isn't, to know!! There is absolutely NO reason why he should ever tell someone you work with that your baby is from a DE IVF!! How would that come up any way?? "oh yeah!! We have a 2 year old daughter & she came to us from an anonymous donor egg cycle!!" Nope, that's not going to happen. BUT, you just need to explain to him that there are certain people that should know & others who have NO business knowing. That decision should be left up to you & he needs to respect your feelings & your wishes. It's VERY, VERY, VERY easy for him to say that he wouldn't care if people knew he needed a sperm donor, because he's not in that situation. He might feel VERY different if it were HIM wearing the "donor needed" shoes.

All in all, you have to make the decision that is best for you. I would suggest perhaps making a list of the pro's & con's of the areas that you're struggling with & look to see if one really outweighs the other & if so, then go with the one that's right for YOU.

We're here to help you any way we can, so please let us know what we can do to help!

[Momtotwins]

DITTO,DITTO, to what BC- donor said.!!!

[CrystalAZ]

Thanks - I logically know that what you say is true, and I feel very good about the decision. The bad feelings are mostly mourning the loss of a baby that could have been born with my genetics.

After mulling for a few days, we have called to make an appointment with a local agency and plan on moving forward. I have found several donors with similar features to mine and feel positive about the move.

Thanks so much for your encouragement and advice. It is very appreciated.

Crystal

Originally Posted by CrystalAZ

After mulling for a few days, we have called to make an appointment with a local agency and plan on moving forward.

Wow, that's great. It took us 6 months to mull it over.

Best wishes

[BC-KarenS-MI]

Crystal,
I'm sorry about your sister. I had no idea!

I'm glad that you're moving forward & that you've already found some donors that meet some of your criteria!! That's awesome!!

Karen