how do i even begin w/DH

[mcarrington]

Hello to all of the experts out there. I've read a lot of posts concerning DS and I want to let DH know that it's okay to do this - he's so reluctant he doesn't even want to talk about IF at all.

I'll make our history short. TTC 4 years (1.5 on our own); 2 IUI's and 3 IVF's. One pos IVF (chem preg); last IVF in July 05 neg. We've taken a break to work on 'us'. Working on 'us' really means not mentioning IF or babies which is hard for me because I want a plan.

Now that we've taken a 6 mo break i'm ready to talk with DH again but I don't know about him. Before we had any testing done or even started trying dh told me after we were married 5 years that he did not want kids - of course i was shocked but we went through all the above anyway because he says he just wants me to be happy. I would be happy with him raising ANY baby with me - and i've told him this a thousand times. I even posted a few months back about my 'marriage being in trouble' because he feels so strongly against anything other than the norm when it comes to becoming parents. He even told me I could leave him if I wanted to be with someone that wanted kids - i don't want that. I even pondered the idea of living Child free but i just can't do it. I thought about money, traveling, pets, etc. but I want to be a mom - I just hope I don't have to leave DH. I have felt guilty for 6 mos thinking I may have to leave him because he can't give me a baby but it's that he DOESN'T WANT to go any further to do it (donor, adoption). I even told him I would go for a donor with his qualities and just raise it on my own if we split up over this!

ANY help at how to bring this us with him will be greatly appreciated -especially from MEN.

Thanks,
Melanie

[BC-donor]

Wow Melanie. I think I remember you posting about this before. I guess you just need to tell him that you guys need to sit down & have a good, long talk about whether or not you BOTH want to proceed & have kids together. If he truly doesn't want to have kids & you can't live CF, well, that's a decision that you have to make on your own. If things aren't going to work out for you in your marriage, wait to do a DIUI after you're not married, rather than having the stress of doing it while you're married to someone who doesn't want kids. Besides, if you were to have kids while you're married & you split up, he'd be paying child support for the child(ren), which would probably really make him unhappy & wouldn't be fair to him, since he didn't want the child in the first place.

You've got a tough decision ahead of you. I know that I personally couldn't live CF if my DH hadn't wanted to persue IF tx. Talk to him, be honest & explain to him exactly how you feel & what you think. Ask if he'll at least go to a consult with an RE to discuss doing further tx so that perhaps he can have any questions he has answered by the RE. Have you asked him to go to the Husbands Discussing IF bb here at FT? It's not a terribly busy board, but he could get some support there & perhaps have some of his questions answered by others in this situation.

Good luck to you!

[Adrienne]

comments from my dh (for what it is worth since he is watching Invasion while I'm asking him deep questions...)

The first thing he asked was "Does he want children?"

The next thing he said was that if he doesn't go with ds then he is missing out on a great deal by never hearing anyone call him Daddy

[50/50]

I just wanted to tell you that my dh and I separated because of the whole mf issue. He also didn't want children...however it was after we found out that he would not be able to have a bio child of his own. we went to counseling and had a really difficult time...i like you just wanted to be a mom. I wanted that more than anything and i was ready to move on to ds but he was not. After we had counseling and reconciled he became more open to using ds so we went through several iuis with ds...all unsuccessful. We moved on to ivf with ds and still no luck until we used de/ds. We have a wonderful little girl now and we are both so happy with her. For my dh it really took him a while to realize that it didn't matter if it was his sperm or not...for me i was ready to use de when i had my last failed ivf. Don't get me wrong...it was very sad and disappointing to let go of that bio link but i wanted to be a mom more than i wanted that. And i can truthfully tell you that dh and I LOVE her completely...it doesn't matter where the eggs or sperm came from. She is all ours 100%.

Good luck to you. I hope that you can resolve your issues and move forward.

[AmyA]

That's a hard one. My DH's 1st reaction to DS was no, but that only a day or two after finding out he was sterile. He changed his mind very quickly because he knew I wanted to carry a baby and the whole thing. I had issues with adoption and felt much more comfortable having a baby that no one could change there mind and take away from us. We never had the issue of him not wanting kids though. Is it possible that your husband is saying he doesn't want kids because maybe deep down he feels like he's failing you and it's easier to just not have kids at all than face the fact that you may not be able to have his bio children? My DH struggled with that but he said once I was pg with donor sperm the load was totally taken off his shoulders and he no longer felt the pressure. I think you and your DH need to stop avoiding the issue and have a heart to heart. Let him know HOW important this is to you and that you want to pursue having a baby whether it be with donor sperm or his sperm. Some would say if your husband says no, you must live child free, but I think if he wants to make you happy(which he said) and he's willing having one child is not that big of a sacrifice for him. Just my two cents.

Melanie, my first husband was sterile. We started TTC after 5 years married. He wasn't all that excited about having kids, but he said Okay. Then we found out he was sterile. He said, "We don't have to have kids."

I pushed him into getting treatment for his problem. After he was into it he kept his appointments. He got surgery. He was fine when I wanted to use a donor. I thought that proved his commitment, even though he told me he was only doing it for me.

I work with kids. I looooooooove kids. I always wanted kids. There was a scared little voice in my head that I tried to ignore, but it would sometimes whisper that maybe I would have to leave him. I imagined myself feeling horrible, bitter, depressed and empty if I couldn't have just one child through whatever means (adoption, whatever).

Well, I eventually got preg. and had the baby. Long story short, we separated when child was 3-1/2. DH hardly helped with the baby. He was a lazy guy anyway, to be honest, and immature and selfish in a lot of ways that became more apparent after there was a child to care for.

In fact...although he was around a a little for another 4 years after the separation and divorce, right now he is long gone. I remarried 6 years ago and that man adopted my DI son. I haven't seen or heard from DH#1 in almost 7 years! He remarried, too, and then he wanted nothing to do with Nathan.

After we separated DH1 actually went and got a vasectomy, just to make sure that he never got anyone pregnant, even though he was sterile. That's how much he didn't like having a kid.

So if your DH is just doing it for you...I am thinking bad move, since that's what my first husband did.

YOU SHOULD BOTH TALK TO A COUNSELOR about the whole baby thing. Really. If your husband is saying you should leave him if you want kids, I would believe him. Having kids is REALLY REALLY REALLY difficult. You don't want to try to raise a child with someone who doesn't want to do it. It sucks, and it's not fair to the child. Believe me. I know. I had a second child with my second husband, and he's a great parent who makes it joyful to have children.

I'm not encouraging you to get divorced or give up on your marriage. But if you really must have kids, and he really doesn't want them...well...

Jen L.

[mmi]

My dh was extremely reluctant.... EXTREMELY.... but did give me the go ahead. I really think at that point we were beginning to think I was the problem as I have mild pcos. When I got pregnant, there was no party... only "see it WAS my fault"(from him). I worried my entire pregnancy that I made a huge mistake. The moment HIS baby girl was born though, wow, it was instant love and he became the best dad in the whole world. He even said to me that he wasn't sure if he would love the baby, but knew he would be happy to see me happy. He was the one who decided to try for a second child. I siad, "lets try IVF again, lets go to NYC and try at a big clinic". His response.... "NO WAY, we are not going thru that stress, money and pain every again. I could never love any baby more than our daughter, we are doing donor again, end of discussion!! " I have heard several stories online very similar to this. Feel free to print this out and share with your husband. Once your miracle is in your arm, you can't imagine any other miracle in your life. Then, you just become mom and dad. You don't even think of the donor stuff, truly. Not that I am not thankful for our donors wonderful gift, but we are a family, we are mom and dad and we are happy, that is all that matters. My heart breaks for anyone going thru this as i know it is an extremely scary decision. It was for us, I just wish we would have done it so much sooner. Hugs......

[mcarrington]

To every single person that has read this and/or responded - thank you.

The hardest part about having a heart to heart talk is starting the conversation. I think deep down he knows it's not over - the baby talk. I don't know what he's thinking; men aren't good with letting their feelings out until it's too late.

I will take into consideration what some of you have suggested - if he does not want kids then i should not make him decide on donor sperm. My heart feels so empty just thinking about not being with my dh. Part of me feels so guilty - like i would be leaving because he can't father my child. This is emotionally horrible. What i don't understand (and i know most of you can't really help this) is WHY he does not want kids. I work with kids too. I loooooove kids to death - even kids in the store that i don't even know!!! I have a connection with kids - i can just feel it when they are around.

Thinking about starting over with a new husband is just unimaginable and very scary.

Thanks again for all of your responses,
Melanie

I had two partners with whom I never spoke babies until after we'd be settled in together for years. First one said, no way no kids ever and it was irreversible. So I talked myself into thinking, neither do I. Second one said, sure, if you want one -- like it's a new toy or something. I told myself, not with him, I can't have a child see the light with this kind of attitude, and stuck around for years anyway. Why I stayed so long: fear of the unknown and feeling sorry for what could be, the great illusion. (in a nut shell)

Now I met my life partner and before we got anywhere I found out if he wanted kids and what his bedside habits were; we're now waiting to be matched (ED). For me bottom line was that we have to both want it and not because the other wants it or despite the other; we're in it together.

I wish I would have never wasted my time with the first two because it means ED now. However, without my past I wouldn't be who I am today and with a great DH. And now, my motto is: Life is too short -- Carpe diem (not blindly though)

[Kylie]

I would think it's better to either accept that your husband doesn't want kids and go on with life with him, or split up and find a new husband to create a family with. It wouldn't be fair for you to bring a child into your relationship with the thought that you may divorce. Kids don't deserve that! It's hard enough dealing with being a donor child without having the rejection of your father on top of that. You need to both be on the same page or it might be better if you did go your seperate ways.