Donor Sperm Use

[wils124]

Hello, this is my first post. My wife (32) and I (26) have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. My doctors recently diagnosed me with CF and determined that I am infertile. My wife and I are told ICSI is our only chance to conceive however, that is cost prohibitive right now. We are considering an IVF procedure with the use of anonymous donor sperm. I am worried about my feelings toward a baby that was conceived through the use of a donor. I would love any child, but am concerned that there will be a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me that it isn’t mine. Can anyone with a similar experience share your thoughts? Thank you.

[Julie_MA]

Hi Wils~

Welcome to the board! I can understand your concerns, this is a huge deal!!! At least it was for my dh(dear husband) and me. We took a looooong time to make the decision to use ds and an even longer time to find a donor that was the right fit for us. In the end we both knew that we just wanted to be parents so, we went ahead and did one DIUI cycle and it worked, unfortunately, I miscarried at 8wks. So I can't say how dh would have felt once the baby was born but, I can tell you that he was absolutely IN LOVE w/that baby from the time we got a + preg. test. I think it's great that you're on here looking for more information. Take your time and do what is best for you and your dw(dear wife).

I also wanted to tell you about a Yahoo Group called di_dads. I don't know too much about them but, I know it is a board for dads who are thinking about or are already raising children conceived through donor insemination. Perhaps they can be of more help to you. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide. I hope your dreams come true soon.

Julie

[GinaB]

Hi Wils,

I just want to share my experience (I am Gina's DH). I was diagnosed early last spring of having no sperm and with further testing diagnosed with testicular failure. It was devasating for us both. At that point, our options were adoption or to use donor sperm. I was very reluctant to explore the donor route, I had moral concerns with it. Over the course of summer and fall, we did a lot of researching on the issue and did meet with our parish priest. He was very supportive, and said the Catholic Church does not have an offical stance on donor insemination. After learning how thorough the donor screening process is, I felt very comfortable with the amount of information you are given on the donor: medical, psychological and aspects of personality. I also spoke with a close male friend who has a 3 year old and he told me that if he found out his son was not his biological son and he had to "give him to his biological parents" they'd have to kill him first. He said being a father goes beyond genetics and the love you feel for your child is more than any genetic connection. His comment really hit home for me.

We decided to proceed with donor insemination. One of our top priorities in choosing a donor was a strong, healthy medical history. Also important was physical characterisitics and educational background similiar to me. It happens that the donor we chose has a very similiar personality as Gina and myself. We began donor insemination in December, expecting it would take 4-6 months to get pregnant. This is what our RE (Infertility specialist) told us.
We were fortunate to get pregnant on our first try and are now expecting in August.

Good luck in your decision, whatever that may be.

[JennJoe]

Hi, Wils. I've been researching this topic since November when I found out we'd likely have to use a donor egg. I've posted on this board and the Fertile Thoughts IVF board, and not once have I heard of ANYONE regretting using a donor egg or sperm. Every single person who responded said that the moment their babies were born, they knew they were meant to be their children and couldn't love them more if they shared genetics.

[JennJoe]

Oops, didn't get to finish...

Another thought I wanted to share is, when we did IVF, ICSI only cost $1,000 more than a regular IVF cycle.

Regardless of which path you choose, best of luck to you and your wife!

Jen

[Kylie]

Well if my husband ever feels that way you'd never know it! We have four children via donor sperm and he loves them all to pieces! He's very hands on and very devoted to the kids. I think once you have a baby in your arms that belongs to you, it won't matter how you got it.

[Sterling Lady]

Hello all, I am new to Fertile Thoughts and this is my first ever post. There are so many threads, but I chose this one because my husband and I are struggling to decide how to build our family. He is azoospermic; we went through IVF and TESE in September and he simply had no sperm to extract. It's been a very painful year and painful few months since the surgery/IVF.

I am interested in pursuing DI. My DH is terrified he won't feel connected to the child and that it will be a daily reminder of his infertility. But I am fertile and ready and the clock is ticking, and I dearly want to experience pregancy. Clearly, DI is far from my, or our, first choice of a jointly conceived child - but it ranks higher than adoption, which is currently DH's choice. Very tough feelings to sort out.

Any advice?

[1julie]

I sent you a private message too, but I am new to this board so I thought I would post this here as well,

My husband has CF too and we just had an egg retrieval on myself for IVF with ICSI and he had a NON surgical sperm aspiration that only cost $700 vice the $3500 for a MESA procedure, which we had been previously considering.

They extracted more than enough sperm for all the eggs (I had 17 eggs) and we go in for a transfer tomorrow. I would love to offer you and your wife some personal advice if you are open to it.

My husband and I also have a website about CF and male infertility, we created it when we started our IVF journey-which was about 2.5 years ago but due to me being in the military and some financial problems of our own, we never did get to any "productive" phase (meds and such) until January 2006. The website is www.cysticfibrosismaleinfertility.com and you can also reach me via email at division902@hotmail.com

Julie

[1julie]

Back when my father was married to his first wife, they had 2 girls and he had a vasectomy.

He later married my mom and she desperately wanted kids. He had a reversal but it didn't work-for 10 years they were TTC.

They decided to do a mixture of donor sperm and my fathers sperm because a small amount was found in his ejaculate (keep in mind they didn't have IVF with ICSI in 1983) but they needed more. That way, nobody would really ever know, not even my parents.

My mom go pregnant using a method that is similar to IUI nowdays and delivered me 9 months later. Nothing was ever mentioned of it to me, until I was 20 when I joined the military and came home for christmas with my dog tags. My blood type is B-, my mom is A+ and my dad is O+. bottom line is there is no biological way I could be theirs.

Does this change how I feel about my father? ABSOLUTELY NOT!, Do I love him any less or look at him any differently? NO, IF ANYTHING I JUST APPRECIATE HIS LOVE MORE!

If anyone has questions for me, please don't hesitate to ask or email me at division902@hotmail.com, I do imagine it might be somewhat rare to hear from the product of Donor sperm.

Julie

[HeatherinMI]

This is my first reply to this board as well. DH and i have done 2 IVF's because of non obstructive azoospermia. Both times we have had great fertilization reports, but in doing a 5 day transfer this last time, none of the embryos had progressed to blast, and the Dr. believes there might not be enough genetic material for this to happen. DH is having some genetic testing done soon, but we're not sure it will matter, so we're considering DI. DH doesn't want to completely give up on a bio child, so we may do another IVF farther down the line, but it's been a long, emotional and expensive road to date, and we're ready to be parents.

This is not an easy decision and i would recommend reading the book "Helping the Stork" (i think that's what it's called). It is exclusively about the use of donor sperm and in addition to discussing the process, includes many personal stories from men and women who've used donor. I can't tell you how nice it was to read something that dealt with the emotional aspects of this issue so honestly. From dealing with your diagnosis, understanding your own and your spouse's emotions, to deciding when and how to tell, or not. Get this book.

We are in the early stages of thinking about this, and plan to attend a Resolve meeting this friday, to hopefully get some recommendations for a therapist. I remember reading on this board that "once you're pregnant, there's no turning back", so be sure this is the right decision for you before you proceed. I know I don't want to spend my whole pregnancy wondering if we made the right decision. If we decide to go with DI, we will do it together, as a team to create our child, not because he feels guilty or because i've pressured him. Best of luck to you and to all of us.

Heather