Need advice - words of wisdom - RE says I need to use donor eggs (sorry so long)

[Jen]

Hello. I guess that I should introduce myself. I am no stranger to the FT bulletin boards, but am new to this forum. My history is basically as follows:
DH had a vasectomy in 1999, had it reversed in 2000 and we didn't have insurance to cover IF until 2004. So... in 2004 we did 2 IVF procedures which resulted in 1 chemical pg. (highest beta was 140 ish). RE did immune testing and we found out that I had highly elevated NK cells. Did IVF #3 with IVIg in April of this year which resulted in another chemical....

Bottom line is since 2004 my FSH has been elevated, too. RE says my eggs are bad....My insurance covers 4 retrievals. I have one left and we met w/RE yesterday. He gave me 15-20% chance of delivering a baby w/my own eggs and an unlikely chance to have any embies to freeze. He gave me a 75-80% chance to delivering a baby w/donor eggs and a very good chance of having embies to freeze.

DH and I discussed this prior to our visit because we knew that he'd recommend donor eggs. The only reason I'm against it is the cost.

If I think about it, though, if we aren't successful w/this last IVF we will probably move to adoption which I believe is much more costly.....

Can anyone give me any advice? Anyone else been in my shoes, 1 chance left????

I'm so scared that we will spend the money and it won't result in a baby.

If you've made it this far I really appreciate it.

Hugs to you all.

Jen.

[50/50]

Hi Jen,

Have you been seeing the same RE from the start? I would definately get a second opinion before you move onto donor eggs. I'm not sure what your age is or what the quality of your eggs were? Would you be able to use your last insurance r/t towards the donor's r/t?

Donor eggs will give you a better success rate and yes it is expensive depending on how you go about doing it. But if you split a cycle and/or use a donor pool that an RE has it is a lot more affordable than using an agency.
Unfortunately, even using donor eggs is not a sure thing.

I would also consider if actually going through a pregnancy is important to you and is having a biological link with your DH important to him?

Orginally we had planned if our last #3 ivf failed (using my own eggs) we would move on to IA, but my heart could not let go of carrying my child for 9mos and having an infant. Luckily I got pg on my first try!

Wishing you the best of luck in your journey.
50/50

[Kasie936]

Jen
DH and I were in the same position about 6 years ago. We had completed numerous IUI's, 1 miscarriage and 2 IVF's before the RE sat us down to discuss Donor Eggs.
My egg quality was not great and certainly not what a 30 year old should have. We had almost exhausted our IF insurance coverage and our next step would be out of pocket. Do we spend the money on DE's that would give us a 50% chance of conceiving (much lower % than they probably quote today). Or do we pursue adoption where we are guaranteed a child if we wait long enough and pay enough money. I was leaning towards Donor eggs and possibly using an egg from my sister. DH was tired of the disappointment and wanted to pursue something with "better odds." It was a tough decision, but we agreed on the answer together.
We adopted my son through a domestic adoption at birth in April 2000. I supported his birthmom throughout her pregnancy. I would not change a thing, he is the miracle of my life, but it was also one of the hardest times of my life because his BM had many "issues." She did not treat her body well during her preganancy and it was tough to watch. My son, thank god, is healthy and perfect.

So, after 5 years, we are hoping to add to our family and the dilemma of how to do it is upon us again. Even though my son filled the hole in my heart, I have still always desired a pregnancy. I'm trying to talk my DH into pursuing donor eggs or possibly donor embryos. If he is unwilling, we may pursue international adoption.

Sorry to be so long. But, I want you to know that you are not alone in making this type of decision. I hope that you find the right answer for you and have peace with your decision.
Good luck.
Kathy

[flicka7]

I would take your RE's advice. Mine was never that blunt with me and we ended up doing 6 IVF's with my eggs. I was ready after #2, but DH wanted to keep trying (cause he knew I wanted it so much). We've spent SO much money, I can't even begin to tell you...

[misskitty32003]

Hi, I did donor egg ivf w/ my sisters eggs. my eggs were bad and I only have one ovary so we had about the same % as you w/ my eggs. I really feel like we just had one shot since my sis was almost at the age cut off and insurance did not cover anything. well it worked as I am 21w4d pg w/ twins. all i can say is good luck and to tell you that we were sucessful with it!!-Amber

[kara6820]

Jen,

I notice you are in the Chicago area. I am also. Who is your RE?

Let me start out by saying I am sorry and empathize with your delema. We are at Day One today of our first donor egg cycle with a friend as my donor. I had done 2 IUIs and 2 IVF cycles prior to this and with the IVF cycles got pregnant both times only to lose the baby. I never had eggs to freeze, poor quality. DH and I decided to go the donor egg route before out RE even mentioned it. We met with our RE and told him what we wanted to do and he gave us the same odds you mentioned above if we stay with our own eggs vs. with donor eggs. I figure my genetics aren't all that wonderful to begin with and I certainly do not want to pass on IF to a son or daughter to have to go through this either. So.....we are using our 3rd insurance covered IVF on a donor. Out of pocket this is costing us about $8000; $5000 of this to my friend donor by choice. If we went through a donor agency about $11,000. I understand that this is alot of money and it is to us also. We had to remortgage our house to cover it and that really hit hard. We believe it is worth it. This is a personal decision you and your DH have to make. Get a 2nd opinion if you do not agree with your RE or go for it and embrace that YOU will be the one carrying and bonding with that potential baby inside of you for 9 months if the donor eggs work. Best wishes.

[Emily'sMom]

If genetics "truly" isn't a problem for you, then I'd jump on the Donor Egg or Donor Embryo band wagon! You are one of very few people that have IF coverage and I think it's great that you've been able to try a few attempts at IVF with your own eggs at somebody else's expense! I had been thinking about donor egg for several years now and finally got my dh on board with the $$ (we have no IF coverage). We are now expecting twins from our first DE transfer! I have never thought twice about my decision and have not a single regret.

I have a friend that was a surrogate for a couple that lived in IL. I can't remember the name of her insuance but it turned out that they covered the cost of the donor's cycle (and perhaps even some/all of the surrogate's expenses). I know it wasn't spelled out in black & white so the IM had to do a little legwork but in the end got it covered. I would definately look into that ASAP. Perhaps your 3rd IVF coverage CAN be a DE cycle.

Oh, and about the $, you won't think twice about it when you look into your baby(ies) precious eyes!

Good luck to you and keep us posted on your decision.

[BC-donor]

I'm of a little different thinking. Since your insurance covers one more attempt, I'd use that last attempt & try one last time with my own eggs. THEN, if it didn't work, I'd absolutely move on over to DE. With DE, at least the baby will be carried by you & you'll experience pregnancy & giving birth & the baby will have your DH's genes.

Most insurance policies won't cover any donor related expenses, so check with your insurance.

Good luck!

[Kellibear]

Hi - just had 2 failed IVF's - prior to that 2 mc's and 1 ectopic. I have a balanced translocation and PCOS. DH is fine. IF is wonderful - isn't it! Well, thinking about donor eggs - then reading these posts- donor embies don't sound bad either. I wonder what has better odds? I, too, have only 1 chance left with insurance - they pay up to $20,000 lifetime for IVF - but my fertility medicine coverage on the plan is maxed - so drugs are up to us. So, I want to max are chances. Anyone with advice?

Thanks.

Kelli

[Danasingle]

Hi! (m/c's and children ment'd)

You sure have been through an emotional wringer. Tough choice---it sounds like you and your DH are committed to having a family together.

It is so difficult to know what to do, because fertility tx is not much more than an educated (and expensive) guess.

I don't have a partner, so I use donor sperm. I was quoted a 10% chance of a live birth with my first injectible cycle or a 15% chance of live birth through IVF. I decided to spread my chances over three injectible cycles i/o of investing my entire 'family-building' budget on one shot for not much better odds of success.

I lucked out and had my dd one year ago. I had three mature follicles at the insemination. Percentages don't mean much to me anymore, as one of the dd's I m/c'd, there was only a 1% chance of it occuring. I was truly 'lucky' with her, because I have m/c'd four times. I am 80% leaning towards ttc again next year, but have NOOOO idea what my odds will be. I just feel like I need to give it my all to use up my last three donor sperm units, so that I do not have regrets later.

Perhaps you can 'decide' to do one more cycle---perhaps after getting a second opinion? Live with your decision for a week and do everything you would need to do.

Then the next week, 'decide' to do a donor cycle and everything you would need to do.

Then go ahead with the 'decision' that suits you and your DH the most. If you believe in it, prayer and/or meditation will help you feel stronger in your decision.

Good luck!

Dana Single and Family
Considering ttc#3 in 2006