Donor egg - someone we know

[tryingfor#2]

Hi, I'm new to all of this, so I'll just type in plain ole English. My husband and I are considering using a donor egg from a special friend of ours. I am almost 45 years old and IUI and IVF hasn't worked for almost 2 years. (We have one son who is 2 1/2 conceived thru IUI when I was 42). Any thoughts or input on using a donor who is a friend. She is a 25 year old friend who has been my Little Sister thru the Big Sister League for over 20 years. She is more than game to do this for us. I just wondered if anyone has had any issues with a donor who wasn't anynomous, or any advice.

[SammysMom]

I used a known donor because I wanted save in agency fees. So far it's worked out great. I update my donor on my pregnancy and will introduce them to her when they're about 7 months old. She recently sent me a big bag of baby gifts and some books for me, including one called "pregnancy sucks" which fits my situation now. Also, since one of my babies is a girl, she'll want to know about her biological background when she hits the teens because that's how girls are. There's no way I could have kept it a secret because my donor's a different race than me, but it would not have mattered anyway. Good luck!!

[BC-donor]

First of all, welcome to the site! We're glad you found us, especially as you begin to delve into this area of treatment.

For us, using a known donor was out of the question. Some people use a known donor & don't have any trouble with the feelings that go with knowing the donor, but the majority of people use anonymous donors.

Have you guys thought of what type of relationship the donor would have in your lives after the baby/babies were born? Will she realize that she is NOT the mother & that YOU are???? That's a big one. I'm drawing a blank on some of the other things that I was going to suggest to be thought of between you guys, but if I remember them, I'll come back & post them here for you.

Just make sure that you go with whatever decision you feel comfortable with doing. If you feel ANY reservations about using a friend as your donor, then I would suggest that you not use a known donor then.

Good luck in your decision.

[DiIP]

First thing I would do would be to check with your RE to learn what his/her requirements are. Both of our clinics require an interview with a counselor before a couple can go through donor egg program. This ensures that all the "issues" have been addressed by the couple and that they are in agreement. If your clinic has a counselor, you might want to talk to them before going any further along this path. A counselor can help you clarify some of your feelings and even might assist in identifying some things you haven't even thought about that need to be worked out with your friend.

Most clinics also require that donors go through a battery of physical and psychological tests so that any glaring problems can be spotted before you pay the cost of ER for a donor. You also want to make sure your friend TOTALLY understands the procedures and risks to egg donation. A good RE will educate an egg donor so they don't end up backing out half way through the cycle because they've been confronted with something they didn't know or hadn't thought about.

Lastly, you might want to talk to an attorney who is familiar with ED issues. You want to make sure that everyone is in agreement about what is expected, who is responsible for doing/paying what, what level of contact all parties expect, etc.

Because it is your very generous friend who offered, you want to make sure all your bases are covered before beginning your journey. If things are set up properly ahead of time, having a friend be a donor might be the best thing for you. At worst, a rigorous screening process will identify the reason that your friend's donation might not be for you. (BTW, even if that is the case, your RE might let her donate to another couple and, as a result, let you move to the top of the list for another donor...).

My personal experience was that we used a donor that we met via a donor site on the internet. We intended it to be anonymous, but circumstances forced us to meet. She is a wonderful person, I'm glad I got to meet her. The big difference is that she lives about 2000 miles away, so I don't feel like I have to "compete" with her or be afraid that she might be judging me on a daily basis. That is something you definately want to make sure you feel comfortable with.

Edited to add: Here is a website that provides quite a bit of info on the donor process. Obviously the clinic that you go to will have their own specific requirements...

http://www.cincinnatifertility.com/P...ng_soon_21.htm