Dilemma: Open or Anonymous Donor?

[sarasage]

Great News!!! We may have found our donor!!!!

Now, I need to decide if I want to meet her or not. I asked the agency to see if she'd be open to it and she is.

There's a part of me that really wants to meet her and see who she is--if she's someone I like.

However, I get the sense the majority of donors remain anonymous.

I need to figure this out soon, so if you have thoughts on this will you please share?

Why meet your donor? Or, why stay anonymous?

[wildfire]

Most donors I know in general are known donors.

The clinics want everyone to have the anon status so that they dont have to deal with contact issues later down the road.

The donors that I know who are anon are only that b/c of a clinics rules.

[Emily'sMom]

This is subject close to my heart. I vote for meeting but it all comes down to what you're comfortable with. I used my clinic's donor pool and it is anonymous I know plenty of wonderful ED (including 2 girls4me that just posted) that have incredible relationships with the ED IP's. We chose to go with our clinic's program for financial and convenience reasons and in doing so agreed to participate in the program anonymously. This is something I'm struggling with VERY much. We do have an amazing donor and I'm grateful for that. But I really want more!!!

And I agree with 2girls4me - I think there are more egg donors that prefer a known or semi-known donation!!! Go with your heart. Don't pass on an opportunity that you might regret down the road. Search your soul and follow your heart. It'll help you make the right decision!

Good luck and keep us posted. And HUGE congrats on finding a donor!!!

[Laenae]

This is a tough question. While I would like to talk to my donor and tell her thank you for everything she has done for me, a little voice inside tells me it is best to remain anonymous. In our contract she said that she would be open to helping if there were a medical reason. Other than that, I believe her intention was that of being strictly anonymous.

I know each situation is different. I would discuss the pros and cons with DH before agreeing to meet her. Please let us know what you decide.

[SandiLI]

Did you ever consider talking on the phone first with your donor. Maybe discussing your questions and getting to know her will be the first step. Who knows that may be enough for you. If you still have a desire to meet with her than do so. Like others have said follow your heart...

Thank goodness I did not have to make that choice, my donor is my darling sister(s).

You are truly blessed to have a donor lined up. I wish you much success and happiness!!!

[michelle_surro]

I am currently a donor in that similar situation- my IP's first said they wanted total anonymous donation and then changed their mind last minute, for whatever reason. I wasnt sure that I wanted to meet with out speaking over the phone first. I didnt want the IP's to not like me or change thier mind- but was willing to meet half way and chat on the phone. They ended up not wanting to do that either. And thats fine as I understand this decision is very personal and each person has their own thoughts. It all worked out for the best wither way. But as a donor we want you to be as comfortable as possible and for me, personally, I have elected to talk via phone before making the fonal OK to meet in person. I still have yet to meet my IP's (three time donor)
Michelle
1x TS Baby Boy 04/11/05
2X ED
(Third cycle scheduled for July)

[wishing]

I am in a similar dilema. I just recieved an e-mail from the IM asking what is usually done. We are still figuring out if we will meet and have any on-going contact or just e-mail for contact and not ever meet. We do know each others names, I have sent her photos but that is the extent of our contact. I personally feel it is better for the child and everyone involved if you know eachother it allows you to answer more questions that you child will eventually have.

[deeja]

This is such a personal choice. Everytime I read everyone's opinions, I get confused too! We have chosen a donor that said she would remain anon or would agree to meet BUT our RE has made an agreement with our agency that it will remain anon and we are to see baby pics only. I would really like to see an adult picture but then in the back of head, or deep in my gut, I think I want to only see our donor as a cute, sweet-faced baby. I am afraid I would look at my growing baby and see the donor's adult face and it may be a hard image to erase. What's interesting is that in our ED profile from our agency, all donor's have to put down what famous person thay have been told they resemble. Our's is Katie Holmes (now dating Tom Cruise), so I have a very warm feeling inside whenever I see pics of Katie Holmes. Actually, since we do have an anon ED we just call her "Katie" at this point! Every so often, I think it would be great to meet her to give her a big hug and show her my gratitude from my eyes and my heart! GL on your decision!

[BC-donor]

Had we been given the opportunity to meet our donor, we would have chosen not to meet her. We are extremely grateful for the wonderful, generous thing that she did for us, however, we didn't want to meet her, under ANY circumstances. For us, she was simply donating some eggs that she wasn't going to use any way, & we didn't want to make it more personal. (I hope that came across the way it was meant?) I wouldn't ever want to see my children do something & then think, "oh, our donor did that too", ya know what I mean?

I only remember that my children came from DE when I'm here trying to help others, as no one in real life knows what we did.

It's such a personal decision, but one that only you can make & you must feel comfortable with it before making the decision to meet. It's kind of like telling or not- once you do it, you can't un-do it.

Good luck in your decision.

[BC-MAV]

The agency we use does such a great job with the ED profiles that you really get a feel for what type of person they are without even meeting them. They include pictures so that is nice. With all that it is not really neceessary to meet, but we still wanted to meet this person. What they looked like, or how they acted when we met them was NOT going to change our mind. WE just wanted to meet so we could connect and say we met this wonderful lady who helped us... to our future child.