Feeling bad. :( (pg mentioned)

[50/50]

I'm feeling really bad right now. My dear sister is asking all sorts of questions about this pregnancy. She remembers what we had gone through with my DHs sperm issues and remembers that I mentioned DS, but I never actually told her we were using it. She's asking me if we used DS...UGH.

Anyhow, I do not plan on telling my family about DE or DS until after we tell our little one(s). So now I feel like I have to lie in order to do this? I am humming and haaaing as best as I can w/o lying but when I do this I still feel like I am lying. I hate this! I feel like I should just tell them already but then on the other hand feel it's no ones business but our own.

DH doesn't want to tell right now either but he feels bad about it too.

Just needed to vent. I didn't think this issue would come up so soon. It's making me sick inside and I don't want my baby to feel this.

50/50

[Emily'sMom]

I'm sorry you're already being asked these kinds of questions. I think I would be upset if one of my family members were pressing me for that kind of info. You are right - it's no one's business but your own. I bet Karen will have some tips that might help you through this. She is not telling her children they were from donor egg and none of her friends or family knows they even used donor egg. It's hard to lie to people that you care about. The way I see it, there's two kinds of lies. Those that are meant to cause harm and those that are intended to protect. Yours is the latter! I would try to avoid talking about this with your sister until you're prepared to carry this "secret" with conviction. If you waiver, they may not believe you. It's just not fair that you even have to deal with this right now. I'm so sorry!!!

Wish I could help but I'm not good about keep this stuff quiet (although no-one knows when we will be cycling, many know we will be using donor egg). I can tell you though, I carried a lie when I was first pg with Emily until I was 12w along. Prior to finding out we were pg we were already accepted and cleared by an international agency to adopt 2 children. So we kept that story line up until I felt comfortable sharing our amazing news.

Hopefully some others that are not telling (whether initially or never at all) can help you get through this.

[Emily'sMom]

Hey I just thought of something else. IVF is the perfect answer for male problems. Think about it. Even on men that produce no sperm, they are able to do those TESE/MESE procedures (forgive my ignorance on the specifics) to remove even a few sperm or cells to be able to fertilize an egg. Maybe if you can just get yourself comfortable with explaining that's one of the benefits with IVF which allowed you to use dh's sperm. I'll continue to think some more and will let you know if I come up with anything else.

Again a great big

[BC-MAV]

I'm sorry people are being nosey. You are right it is your business. No one even thinks to ask fertile people when, where, and how their children are conceived. You don't have to feel like you are lying if you don't reveal the inner most conditions of your children's conception. You can just say it's gonna be our baby... and that is the truth whether you do donor egg, donor sperm, or adoption.

Even our 1st SM's aunt had the nosey questions and said to DH and I "Are you guys using her egg or yours?" My jaw dropped on the floor because I had just met this woman, and I met her 2 daughters adopted from Russia and 1 younger daughter adopted domestically from CA. I was so stunned I just said "Yes, we are using my egg". The woman then replied "Oh, that's good!" I was thinking she has a blended family so why would it matter whose egg it was? It didn't matter to her what nationality or country her kids came from. But the aunt gave me the impression that if we had used her neices egg (SM) she didn't think that was good.

I think it is no ones business what you are doing. Of course family and close friends will have an idea of what you are doing. If you really feel like they are being nosey, just be nosey back at them... ie. well what position were you in when DD was conceived and was it the bedroom or the hotel you were in on vacation? Sorry, I guess that is sarcastic but sometimes humor and sarcasm is best. Or you can tell it like it is ~ we used donor sperm. Or you can say it's our baby and that's the truth too like I said no matter whose gametes are involved.

[50/50]

Ellen- thanks for your post. My DH actually had that surgery that's when we found out he had no sperm. My sister mentioned the surgery today...I can't believe she remembered and said something about all that stuff cuz usually she doesn't say a peep about anything.

Mav- you are so funny. Your post made me chuckle (last para). I actually did just reply "it's his baby" to my sister. And that's the truth..not all of it but it was truthful.

I'm not sure if the hormones are kicking in and I'm just overly emotional..I'm crying up a storm. DH says I think you're really PG honey. I hope he's right.

[Margarete Anne]

50/50,

I am so sorry you are going through this and yes, I too think part of it is that your hormones are raging LOL....sorry.

It is truly no one else's business and these babies are yours.....a little on the simplistic side considering all that you have gone through, but nonetheless, they are yours. One of the things that I will never forget is how much our RE and his staff stressed with us to remove and keep ourselves out of toxic/stressful situations and away from toxic/stressful people/comments during the first twelve weeks of our pregnancy, as much as we could. I was really good at guessing at the people that would be pressing us and we did just that........I am older than you, but I pictures myself in a giant bubble just sort of floating along.....like the Mr Clean commercial of years ago. It was really so therapeutic.......I sort of cocooned from others for awhile...screened my phone calls, became the master of changing the subject, etc.

Please know that we are walking this walk with you.....you can vent or cry , rant and rave.......anything you want here.....it is safe. I am hoping that you feel better soon.

Hugs,
Margaret Anne

[BC-KarenS-MI]

Oh for heaven's sakes!! I can't believe that she'd ask such a nosey, personal question. That's one of the things that stinks about telling people, is that then they feel that they have a free for all in the questions department. I think you handled it well by saying that it's your DH's baby. That's the truth! She doesn't need to know that the baby is not of his DNA. It's his baby, regardless of where the sperm came from. The DNA does NOT make a Daddy or a Mommy!

I think that it's important for you guys to keep this quiet until YOU are ready to tell & if you don't want to tell others until you tell your kids, then you'll have to lie to them now & just explain it later to them. They'll just have to understand. For now, work on becoming a master of changing the subject & don't let them shake you. Practice what you'll say if she says anything about it again. Maybe even just say something like, "it's HIS baby, stop asking! Do you want me to ask you how, when & where you got pregnant??" Maybe that will make her realize that she's really stepping over the line by asking you something so incredibly personal!

I haven't read the other responses, so I hope I haven't repeated what anyone else said. If I have, then I guess great minds think alike!!

Hang in there!! Your hormones are going crazy right now & you'll be a bit more emotional, but it'll get better!!

Karen

[Elann]

Tell her honestly that you used his sperm - he paid for it so it is his.

Or just tel her that this is your and your husband's child - in every way - because he/she will be.

[Laenae]

50/50 - Sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. I am going through this with my mother. A couple of years ago when I had a m/c with my own eggs, I was really down in the dumps. My mother told me that I should give up trying. I wasn't getting any younger and she was concerned about my health. I told her that I wanted another child and wanted to give my DD a sibling. I just threw the idea in the air about the donor egg, not saying that I would go through with such a thing, but my Mom figured out that this pregnancy is with DE. I am so sorry I ever even said such a thing because now, no matter how many times I have denied it, she does not believe that this is a child from my own eggs and says it is my husband's child. It is really hurtful and I wish I had their support, but I will forge on with or without their blessing. I am hoping that she will not tell anyone, because DH and I do not want to tell anyone. I wish I could go back 2 years and erase what I said about the possibility of using DE, but as you know, we can't turn back the hands of time.

I know in your case, you confided in your sister and sought her support. I am sorry she is being nosey. I know you must also feel like I do about wishing not to have said anything. I would just continue telling her that it is your DH's child and leave it at that. Hopefully, she will not continue to ask a whole bunch of questions.

I know the best thing would be never to have brought up the subject at all to anyone before 1) telling the children. Or, as in my case, 2) not telling anyone at all if you intend not to tell the children or anyone else for that matter.

Try not to stress out too much over it because it is not good for you or your little one(s).

[50/50]

Thank you all for your support! It really helps to let it out, especially to people that can understand what I am going through. I am feeling better today and am trying to keep positive.

Lanae- I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this too. I do soooo wish I could go back in time and erase all the things that I mentioned. I don't think that my family will treat my child differently but I just want my child to be seen as "normal". When I am ready to tell them I will at that time and hopefully they will have fallen in love with my child by then that it won't matter. It is going to be hard though since the child most likely won't look like either of us and I'm sure more questions will arise before then. I don't think my sister suspects that we used DE atleast she hasn't said anything yet, although I did mention that was an option to her a while back. Isn't it enough that we had to go through years of IF and now all of this? I really hope that your mother becomes accepting of your child, I can totally understand how hurtful it must be. It really saddens me. I don't know how my dad would react...for fear, I won't ever be telling him.

50/50