Have you met or spoke with your donor?

[50/50]

Hi there-

Any of you had that chance to meet or speak to your donor (s)?

On my donor's profile she says she prefers to remain anonymous but would consider speaking to recipients on the phone. My DH is now wishing to do this but I don't want to scare her off. She will start stims on the 18th of April and she's a first time donor. I don't even know what I would say to her?

Would you speak to your donor if you had that option? If we do this I would want to wait until "after" the retreival.

thanks,
50/50

[Laenae]

I never spoke to my donor but ironically saw her at the clinic when I was going in for bloodwork and she was going in for retrieval. I had the benefit of knowing what she looked like as I had her pictures. Our arrangement is an anonymous one. We do not plan on telling our child how they were conceived. If we actually met face-to-face, it would complicate things. I would love to be able to talk to her on the phone and tell her thank you for taking time out of her busy schedule and travelling and spending two weeks in New York City in order to help us. Especially now... I would just like to hug her and thank her for the gift she has given us.

[BC-KarenS-MI]

Nope. I wouldn't talk to the donor. It's anonymous & that's how we want it to stay. Talking to the donor would make it too personal for me. I'm quite content just thanking God that he blessed us with the opportunity to use her.

I've sent our donor several notes telling her how grateful we are for the blessings we received & that she's made our lives so complete & so fulfilled, but outside of sending her a note, I don't want to have anything to do with her.

Karen

I actually did speak to our donor. We started out anonymously, then circumstances dictated that I meet her before retrieval. I was REALLY nervous and afraid she'd change her mind after actually meeting/talking to me. One of the first things she said was that she was nervous to meet ME!!! That made things so much more comfortable! We also did email a lot before I met with her, so I knew some of her interests. That helped when we made small talk. I would SOOO much recommend that you do talk to your donor, but totally understand you not wanting to until after retrieval. Her profile won't give you anywhere near the feel for her as talking on the phone will. And she will become so much more REAL after you talk to her.

You might want to look at her profile again to get clues about what to say when you talk to her (beyond the obvious "thank you"). Does she have kids? Moms ALWAYS love talking about their kids. What hobbies does she have? If there are any that you share an interest in or you want to learn more about, you can ask her about them. Ask her what helped her decide to become a donor? There's usually a good story there... I'm betting you'll be surprised with how easy it is to talk to her.

I know I was very glad that fate intervened and forced my donor and me to meet!

Diana

[michelle_surro]

I am a one time donor finishing up my first surrogacy but also currently match for my second ED for May/June and my ED IP's initially said they wanted to keep things anonymous- but ended up asking to meet me- I was so nervous & unsure of what to expect or say or do.....I felt really unsure and iffy about the whole thing- they ultimately decided against the meeting and we now just exchange letters through our agency of thanks and gratitude or excitement of the upcoming cycle. I personally wouldn’t want to meet any IP's, but am more than OK with chatting on the phone or via-mail.
My last donation during one of my u/s appt's, I heard them call the name of my IM from the waiting room into the nurses office, and later the nurse confirmed that was in fact her- I never saw her looking at me or anything, even though she has many, many pictures of myself- she acted as if she didn’t even know me- and that didn’t bother me- but I was very thrilled to know that this 'person' was real, and in fact in the very same room as I, she did in fact get preggo, YEA! So all the madness paid off in the end - and they had their little one nine months later!
Sorry for the elaborate story....
Meeting your donor is a very personal and emotional decision for everyone- do what you and your donor are most comfortable with, just know you both are in this for a pregnancy as an outcome--- & stay positive & focused!

MIchelle
1X TS EDD 04/06/05


1X ED 04/2004
Upcoming 2nd ED cycle May ish.....

[50/50]

Thanks for all the great stories. I really am very apprehensive to speak to her but then part of me feels I may regret it later. I think my children or child may want as much info as possible on her and what a great thing it would be if I could tell them that we spoke to her.

Diana- I'm so curious as to what was it that lead you to speaking to your donor? It sounds as though it wasn't by choice? No worries if you do not feel like sharing.

I actually found her through the internet...she was going independent and it was her first donation. She was in CA and I was in KY. We e-mailed for a while to establish that it would work for both of us. I wanted anonymous and she was ok with that.

My clinic was fine with arranging all the medical stuff, ie testing, meds and appts, but I had to arrange travel. I paid for her ticket and arranged for a rental car. Was still anonymous at this point (although I did have her full name). When she flew in from CA and went to rent the car, THEY WOULDN'T RENT TO HER because she was "only" 24 and, for insurance purposes, they wouldn't rent to anyone under 25. She emailed me and I drove to the airport to get the car for her. So we met at the airport for the first time. It was a very short meeting...probably about 10 minutes tops, but it was very nice to actually talk to her, esp after she admitted she was nervous too. We met for dinner the night before retrieval (I too wanted to meet AFTER retrieval, but the timing didn't allow that) and then 16 months later when Lauren was 7 months old.

I was terrified to meet her because I was very vulnerable at the time. I am a very independent woman and it was completely alien to me to have to trust some stranger with helping me achieve something that I so very desperately wanted. And it would have just devastated me if she would have changed her mind and decided not to donate after meeting me. I was worried that she would judge me to not be good parenting material. But none of that happened . i've met her children, her mom and husband. And I got to cheer on the sidelines while she became a surrogate mom to a beautiful little girl. So, while our first meeting was totally forced, I'm very happy that it happened.

I do wish more recipients were given the opportunity/encouragement to meet donors. I'm not saying that everyone should be bestest buddies for life or that it would be everybody's cup of tea, but the women that donate are usually very compassionate, open-minded women. It is a shame that more recipients aren't given the chance to at least talk to them. (Ahem, I'll get off my soap box now )

If you do decide to talk to her, I'd be interested to hear how it went and how you felt about it. I don't know anyone else who started off anonymous, then got to at least talk to the donor.

Diana

[50/50]

Diana,
Thanks for sharing your story! That is really neat and inspiring. You two were meant to meet.
As you mentioned I too am nervous that she will chge her mind after speaking or meeting us. I just don't want that to happen and am nervous about it.

I've spoken to my agency about possibly meeting her and what that would entail. She seems to think that our donor would be open to a phone conversation or meeting. She also said that usually when the donors and recipients meet it is a very positive experience and if we are choosing to tell our child how they were created that this would be a great opportunity to find out more about her other than just how she reads on paper.

I am leaning towards actually doing it now. Well atleast see what she is open to...meeting in person or by phone. Then if I don't chicken out we will go through with it. My DH is really pushing for this. I have this feeling that it would be a good experience.

Thanks for sharing your story...it has encouraged me to move fwd.

I will keep you posted.
50/50

[BC-MAV]

Yes, we emailed, spoke and met BOTH of our ED's. We exchanged gifts with them after the ER and the BOTH gave us a gift as well. It's not like we are best friends or we are continuing our relationship or the ED is going to be godmother. We just wanted to meet... didn't like the NOT meeting or NOT knowing this person who is helping us. Wouldn't have it any other way!!!

[HelpingHand]

I am a donor but truly enjoyed my first two open donations! I love being able to connect to my recipients on a more personal level.

I am starting my third cycle (first anon.) but am very open to any level of contact.

I think you make contact with her.