How do I get my DH on board?

[Michelle1104]

After four m/c and two failed IVF cycles with PGD that showed at least 90% of our embryos are chromosomally abnormal, I am ready to start talking about donor eggs. My sister has repeatedly told us that she wants to be our donor. Her husband is okay with it. Now that is seems it might be the next step, my husband has told me that he doesn't want to use my sister as the donor. He explained that he prefers an anonymous donor because then the donor is not a constant part of our lives. He has concerns that using my sister, who will always be a part of our lives, may be a constant reminder that I am not the biological mother. And he has concerns that my sister may say something - even inadvertantly - that would be hurtful to me. What it really comes down to is that my husband doesn't really like my sister - not that he hates her or anything - he just finds her to be annoying.
For me I feel like it's my last chance at having a genetic connection to our baby. I understand that my husband doesn't have the same connection to my sister that I do - after all, she's my sister. To me, using an egg from my sister is the same as using my own egg. I understand that my husband doesn't feel the same way - just like I would not feel that using his brother's sperm is the same as his. But I would also accept that it is important to him and it's his only genetic link to the child. As for his other concerns, my sister has been known to say things that bother me but it has always been about insignificant issues. My sister has a good heart. We are very close and she considers this something she should do because she is my sister. She lives in another state and we only see them once or twice a year so it isn't like she is a daily constant in our lives (well maybe in mine because we talk almost daily).
So what do I do? I don't want my husband to "give in" just because this is what I want. And if he cannot be okay with this and we move on to an anonymous donor, how do I keep from resenting him? I know that my marriage is more important - but saying that may not fend off feelings of resentment.
Is there any way to soften his opposition to using my sister?

[BC-KarenS-MI]

Gosh, that's SOOO tough. Personally, I wouldn't want to use someone that I knew as my donor because of the reasons that your DH doesn't want to use your sister. It's easy for someone to say that they won't have any feelings that it's really their child before they go through with the cycle, but once they see the baby will they really be able to see you as the mother, 150%?? I don't have any sisters, so that wasn't an option, but we did consider asking a friend, but once we really sat down & talked about all the things involved, we decided it was best for us to go with a totally anonymous donor. Also, since your sister has been known to say hurtful things to you, would she really "get it" if she says something totally inappropriate??

It's hard because you both HAVE to feel comfortable with what you're doing, yet neither wants to compromise. I wish there were some way that you could try to make your DH see things your way, but I think time will be the only thing that can help to change his feelings & thoughts on this one.

Perhaps you can sit down together (you & your DH) & make a list of pro's & con's of using your sister & a list of pro's & con's for using an anonymous donor.

I know that "having that bio link" is a big issue right now, but honestly, the genes don't really mean a thing once you're pregnant. Most people who use an anonymous donor could care less where the egg/genes came from. It's the love of you & your DH that created that baby/babies & nothing else.

Good luck!! Let us know how things are going, ok?

Karen

[50/50]

That is really tough, but I'd have to agree with Karen's post. I have a sister that offered to donate her eggs but we chose not to based on the reasons your DH has indicated . I also was concerned about the way I would feel seeing my child with my sister and always wonder what would she be thinking of my children. Would she have feelings later when our children got older? What would we say to our children about their aunt? How would they feel later in life about her? I just didn't even want to go there. The genetics to me was not that important to deal with those issues.

Have you spoken to your sister about the "what ifs"? How will she feel later? If she has a tendency to say things to you that annoy you it is most likely she will do this in the future. How will this effect your children?

Feeling resentment and moving on to an anonymous donor is not healthy for either of you or your baby. You may want to see a therapist who specializes in IF issues. She could help you and your husband see things in a different light.

I wish the best for both of you. Good luck!

[skitcher]

Sorry to be a repeat, but my husband would feel the same way. And, if it were the other way (using my brother-in-law's sperm), I'd be feeling the same way. I often thought that if one of my sister-in-laws offered (I only have 4 brothers!), how I might feel down the road. The awkwardness during family gatherings. And, the thought of, what if my dear relative couldn't handle being around the child, had regrets, etc. Having them in the family, well, you can't get around that. The tension...wow! We have enough of that in my family already! HA!

Anyway, I guess you have to both come to an agreement on what you can or cannot handle. And if your dh does not feel comfortable with using a relative's eggs, you might have to find another solution. I know this is hard, so many of us have had to abandon the fact that we don't have our DNA passed down, but believe me, it isn't as important as you think.

One more thing...in my situation (we adopted both, one from birth, another from donor embryos and now using donor eggs) my husband might not have been so open to doing some of these things (like using donor eggs from a friend of mine), but after seeing that he loves his other two children, he now realizes he doesn't care where they come from. Maybe your husband, if you try using an anonymous donor, will later be able to handle the other. Just a thought.

Good luck with all this. It is a hard decision for sure!

[BC-MAV]

Have you considered donor egg? That would be a compromise considering your DH's feelings. You would still be using donor gametes.. just not a relatives.

[Laenae]

I don't have a sister or an offer of a close friend or relative with respect to donating their eggs. This is a totally anonymous donation and if we get PG, we will not tell anyone it was from DE. That being said, I wish that I did have a sister so that the child(ren) would be as close to me genetically as possible. I do understand both your feeling but also that of your DH. In a way, I am glad that my donation is anonymous. I would also worry that if I had a sister, a friend, or another relative that they would consider themselves the "real mommy" of the child. How would they look at the child and treat the child? How would I look at the child. Would I think they look alot like their aunt? I don't know your set of circumstances or whether your sister has children or not. In the scenario of where she didn't have her own children, and she never got married, or never was able to have children of her own, how would she feel about her donation to you. Would she regret it and think of that child as hers?

I know you have lots to consider. I hope you and DH can discuss the pros and the cons. You both have to be comfortable with your decision. Otherwise, there will be resentment.

Good luck.

Love,
Laenae

[Georgie1]

Wow, we have nearly the exact situation. My DH really didn't want to use my sisters eggs either. We are staring meds tomorrow (at least I start mine then). He has the same problems as your DH has. I guess if I set here and think too long I too would have the same fears. Yes I have thought about the what ifs and such and my sister and I have discussed it many times. Like you my sister lives in another state so we see only several times a year (we talk daily also). After I found out that I could never have a child of my own I was absolutely devasted. I thought about using an anonymous donor, but I couldn't get past no genetic link what so ever. This is the closest I will ever come to having a genetic link with my child. After much discussion myDH understands my position and my desire to have this link no matter how thin. I know I have read from several woman who say that the gentic link doesn't matter when the baby comes. That maybe true, I don't know. I agree with the previous post that said you guys may want to go to counseling and work it out. I know we had to (my sister her DH, myself and my DH) separate and alone prior to the clinic I use allowing this to occur. We even had to take an extremely long personality profile test. Good luck in whatever you two finally decide to do.