Why am I not excited???

[babyhopes2005]

Hello. I have a question for those of you who have had completed an INV/DE cycle in the past....

We have selected our donor and are getting ready to start the meds soon. We are looking at a mid-May retrieval. This is SO awful, but I am just NOT feeling positive about this! I mean, I really, really love our donor and am happy that we have been able to find her pretty quickly. I love our clinic and my doctors and nurses are great. The clinic has amazing success rates and I have only heard great things about the agency we are using for the donor. My mock cycle went perfectly and we are pretty much on our way (just waiting for the donor screening tests to be completed - hopefully everything will be okay with that!), BUT I have just convinced myself that this is not going to work!

I know that negative thinking accomplishes NOTHING at all and I feel like I have no reason to not be totally excited. I am 29 yrs. old. This is our first IVF cycle (first treatment at all) EVER. I have had no miscarriages or failed attempts with cycles in the past. I just have no concrete reason to feel this way, but I do!

Is this normal? Have any of you with more experience felt this way? I just wonder if this is normal....
babyhopes2005

[skitcher]

Babyhope2005,

You are perfectly normal...and I have a feeling there is some hope in there somewhere! You are just trying to protect your heart from dissappointment, from the hurt that could come out of this. Sounds like you've been around, reading posts and know that there is no guarantees here.

However...without hope, without the possibility that things could turn out positive, none of us would be here trying! Never give up hope. We must at least hope for the miracle, the positive, the babies! You could be one of those that it works the first time. Why not dream of that and let the negative be on the side. We all know that things might not turn out the way we hope, but why not just dwell on what COULD happen, the GOOD that could be waiting for you?!

Be encouraged my friend. These are perfectly normal feelings. You are not alone and we all go through this. Fear is a wicked monster that keeps rearing his head in all of our lives.

Good luck on your upcoming IVF!!!

God bless you,

[BC-MAV]

You have a LOT Of reasons to be hopeful!!!! You are young (under 30), you are doing IVF (so success rate is higher, you are bypassing having sperm to make that long hard journey, you have so much control over how many embryos to tx), and you have an egg donor (the donor is young too and you will get lots of eggs), and I hope you will have some embryos to freeze!!! I can understand since this is your FIRST IVF that you are probably nervous. Wishing you the best of luck!!!

[cherylLI]

I just wanted to give you a hug and let you know I will be wishing you lots of luck .

[Laenae]

I think what you are feeling is normal. I am excited in one way to get on with this DIVF cycle, but scared in another way about embarking on this road that I never thought I would take. I am hopeful that since I have a young proven and successful donor (22 yrs. old), that I will achieve a pregnancy. I know that I have a better chance of succeeding than I did with my own eggs. I am fearful that on the other hand, it will fail because that too can happen. I am afraid that after 5 IVFs, 1 FET, countless Injectable/IUIs with my own eggs that this DIVF might not work either. I have invested more than $200,000 thus far with all my procedures, and have nothing to show for the fruits of my labor. I have just paid more than $45,000 for this DIVF cycle ($23,000 for the clinic for the DIVF procedure and $22,000 for Donor agency expenses) -- I can't afford to keep doing this. So, I am hopeful that if I don't succeed with a fresh DIVF cycle, that there will be lots of frozen embies left over for FETs.

I wish you success in your endeavor to achieve a family and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,

Laenae

[kelly18]

Babyhopes

I really can relate. I am in the midst of an dIUI cycle and having a good response, ie maturing follies and good lining. But I can't seem to shake my negative thoughts. I catch myself thinking, "It's not going to work." But if I truly believed that, then I would not be doing it in the first place. Sadly I think this is just one more way that IF can mess with your head. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending some positive thoughts your way!!

Kelly

[babyhopes2005]

Thank you to all who responded. I am glad to know that I am not alone. While I do realize that this is sort of a way that I am subconciously protecting myself, I just have a bad feeling about the cycle that I cannot shake. BUT, as some of you said, I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think there was hope... of course, at the same time (and this is typical - I go around in circles) I don't think I would cancel the cycle myself based on this suspicion anyway because I REALLY want to be a Mom!!! Any suggestions on how I can "beat" the negative thoughts? Or is that only healed with time and a baby in hand?

I heard from (yet another) friend yesterday that she is pregnant with her second child....they tried for one month! It's so unfair and sometimes I wonder if this is ever going to end, you know? I hate that we all have to here struggling with this. I really do.

Thanks again to everyone and best wishes to you all.
babyhopes2005

[BC-KarenS-MI]

Yep, you're normal! Kinda sucks to have those be the normal feelings, but it's all part of doing tx. Your heart wants to be excited, yet at the same time, it's trying desperatey to guard itself becuase there simply aren't any guarantees in this whole thing! Hopefully you'll get some good quality eggs from your donor. Remember, you want quality not quantity!! For my last 2 cycles, using the same anonymous donor, we only got 6 & 5 eggs respectively!! We were shocked because she had 3 times more in her previous donation, but it was the quality that really mattered!!

Just try to focus on all of the positive things in this cycle, the fact that your mock transfer went well, the fact that you're at a great clinic, the fact that you love your donor & found her quickly. There is so much to be hopeful for!! Hang in there!!

Keep us posted on how things are going!

Karen