How to tell child?

[RiTay]

I am using DS and plan on telling the child. Looking for any advice on how to explain this to a child. I am looking for easier terminology for a child as well as explaining why a man would want to donate but not be part of the child's life.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[maria2]

I'll write more when I have more time one day, but one of my favorite terms is "special cells" from a book about di someone referred to here a few weeks ago. Also "genes" is a great way to discuss the whole thing - genes, dna - massive concepts but much less charged (for me) than eggs/sperm. Because of the ways our bodies are, mom and dad had to use mom's genes and genes from a donor.

Oh yes, and right now the story we tell our son is about spiderman using his special spider webs to get genes from the Bank of Human Kindness for the mom and dad seeking how to bring their baby angel down to earth. I could go on and on! Have to wash dishes and get to bed!
-maria2 mom to david, 3,

[flicka7]

Someone on this board previously suggested a book XYMe. I haven't read it, so not sure how good it is. But I think it's a book for donor children.

[BC-MAV]

Donor Mod.... can we pin that book thread? This seems to be coming up for people wanting to disclose or discuss.

[China2007]

When we saw the counsellor these were her suggestions.
1. Practice the story right from birth. Tell it to your newborn.

2. Start really basic.

3. Expect possibly uncomfortable questions and answer as truthfully as you can. Like why are Daddy's seed broken?

4. Expect someday your child may say "You can't boss me, you're not my real Daddy" but this, like "I hate you" is part of what kids say to their parents.

I started telling dd the story when she was about 4 weeks old. I was so glad I did it when she couldn't understand because the first few times I told it, it sounded like the doctor was the donor. If you had met my doctor you would understand that is not a pleasant image. lol
Even though I am a nurse and I am reasonably comfortable with talking about sex and sex related stuff the first few times I told the story I blushed. I kept telling her the story every week or so until I could do it seamlessly without blushing.

This was the original story I told her when she was a newborn. You would not believe it took me four weeks to figure it out.

Daddy's seeds were broken so we got seeds from another man and put them in Mommy and you grew.
Mommy and Daddy love you soooooo much and you are soooooooo special.


Now once in awhile she will ask me to tell her "her story". It has changed over the years and right now it is embellished with Princess imagery because that is what she is into.

This is what it sounds like right now, at age 4

Once upon a time there was a King and Queen named B and K and they wanted very badly to have a baby Princess. They waited and tried for a long time but they did not get a baby, they were very sad.
They went to a doctor who told them that King K's seeds were broken. The doctor then found another man called a donor who gave his seeds so King K and Queen B could have a baby.
The donor's seeds were put in Queen B and mixed with the Queen's seeds and guess who was born?

Pause, she always gets it right

That's right PRINCESS J!!!!

This made King K and Queen B VERY happy. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Thankfully no embarassing questions yet. The questions I have gotten:
How did the seeds get into the Queen? The doctor did it.

What is a donor? Someone who gives something to someone else.

This probably far more info than you wanted but I tend to get long-winded.

Beth
ttc #2 on the bench until the thaw.

[RiTay]

Thank you very much...so helpful so far...any more advise?

[DawnL]

Beth, thank you so much for sharing.
We are still hoping to do donor sperm, and I have always wondered how I would share that. You broke it down wonderfully!

[Mollyd]

WE used Donor eggs for our twins and I have told them the same story since they were born.
We used a known donor, so it is easier to insert names in here.

I tell them " Mommy and Daddy wanted a baby very badly and we tried for many years to have one. WE went to the doctor to help us out. WE found out that mommies eggs weren't working right. Aunt XXX gave mommy some of her eggs so that I could become your mommy"

I think that as they get older they will ask more questions, but at least I have a framework from which to start. To me the earlier you start telling the easier it is to answer questions, and the more the child accepts it as part of who they are.

Molly

[SueZ]

Very sweet about the king and queen story!

for us it's different, daddy's seeds weren't broken so to speak, we had to use donor because I didn't want another child having the same disease my son passed away from, so I will have to tell a different story. I think it's a great idea to tell from birth, this way it's not so shocking and you don't have to always wonder how to approach the child/children, but in our case, we want our children to know first and I want them to be old enough to make the decision on whether they want anyone else to know or if it's something they feel comfortable knowing and keeping it to themselves. either way, it will be their choice. So that's why we haven't told as of yet and we have a 5 year old and a 17 month old

[billdiadoptee]

Nursechick,

The absolutely best source for how veteran DI parents have told their children is by Ken Daniels, a Social Work professor in New Zealand who has studied DI families for 27 years and has done massive research worldwide. This is available through the Infertilty Network on yahoo. It not only gives great insight into how to do it but is reassuring to read how well these children have dealt with it. Here's a brief review:

Building a Family with the Assistance
of Donor Insemination
By Ken Daniels, Professor of Social Work
(The father of adopted daughters, Daniels has worked in the field of DI & assisted human reproduction for 27 years as a counsellor, researcher, author & policy consultant to governments, professional & patient organizations. He has conducted preparation seminars for those considering DI & writes with the understanding & sensitivity of someone who has taken the trouble to really listen to all the parties involved in donor conception. This is THE book for anyone thinking of building a family with the assistance of sperm, egg or embryo donation; for those who already have children & are pondering whether, when & how to share information with their children & others; and for all who work in clinics where donor conception is practised. The author combines his & others’ research & thinking, along with many years of conversations with offspring & donors, as well as single, lesbian & heterosexual parents around the world, into a book that will contribute to the health & well-being of families everywhere. The parents who share their stories tell of the range of thoughts & feelings they experienced from the time they discovered they needed help conceiving.

It's also avaialbe from the australian Donor Conception Support Group (.org.au) and the DCNetwork (.org) in the UK.

Bill Cordray