Donor Egg Parents......please answer

[Laenae]

This is an endeavor I never would have thought that I would have undertaken in my life. The subject is taboo in my family and in the country that I came from. So, as I embark in this new adventure in my life, I would like your honest feelings and opinions. I have had so much to work through and waited so many years to get me to this point and finally came to the decision that I would go take that step and do what I never dreamed of.

I have one natural genetic daughter who will be 5 yrs. old on Feb. 19th. Will I feel about a donor child(ren) exactly as if they were my own? Will I forget how they came to be and consider them exactly as if they were from my own genetics? Please share your experiences and thoughts.

Anything you can tell me is much appreciated.

Love,
Laenae

[BC-MAV]

I know it's not exactly the same thing, but we love our son as much as if he was born from me... but he was born via SM! People that we know casually forget whether we adopted DS or he is biological and some remember that a SM carried him. I guess we did not tell everybody everything but it reallly doesn't matter now as he is 4 years old!!! He knows where he came from. (I guess since DS does not look like me and DS has a pale blonde hair color and my DH is a red head people think that he is adopted...)

Anyways, baby #2 will be born of ED/DH via SM. I know we'll love this baby just the same. The looks do not matter. Actually this baby might look more like me than our DS does!! Our ED has same hair and eye color as me, same height, similar looks, etc...Even if this baby does NOT look like me or DH, it really doesn't matter. WE just want another child.


Some people think they cannot love their 2nd child as much as they do their 1st, so I guess that is a similar thinking. We will be in the same situation with a 100% biogical child and a % second child. Who knows whose genes will come out? DH's?? ED's?? A combo?? We really feel secure... this is our baby!

[Margarete Anne]

First of all congratulations on your decision....you are about to embark on the most amazing journey...... I am an older mother and have two grown children....one came to me through adoption and the other was a natural surprise....my younger children are fraternal twins who were conceived through DE IVF......so you might say I have become a mother through several avenues and I can assure you that I love all of them and have always loved all of them the same........how they came to me made no difference....when you hold that baby and bond with that baby they are yours......1000%.....I was in love with my IVF babies from the minute I saw those little embryos under the microscope and I have never looked back......they are mine and they were the best decision I have ever made.

I will keep you in my thoughts......it is normal to have all of the questions and concerns that you are having. We are here for you....come here as often as you like.

Margaret Anne

[BC-KarenS-MI]

I couldn't love my kids more than I do. I don't ever think about how they came to be except when I'm here talking about it to others. My children are mine, 500 million percent mine, no doubt about it, no if's, and's or but's. They're mine. It was my body that gave them life, they were created out of an intense desire to have them in our lives & it was with my husband & my love that they were created.

So to answer your question, yes, you will absolutely, without a doubt love any child or children that come out of a DE situation. You will love him/her just as much as you love the child that came from your own egg. Remember, it's not the egg that makes the child, it's the love, caring, nurturing & daily things that you do for your children that make them yours.

Good luck!

Karen

[m(or)]

My oldest is biologigally dh and mine (IUI). My twins are from de ivf. Dh and I had the same fears that you have. We did 4 iui's ttc #2. We did not want to do de because of the fears that we would not feel the same love for a de child. We decided to go ahead with it anyway.
I did feel different about them while pregnant. With Kate we joked about hoping she didn't get my stick out ears or dh's nose. We didn't make those jokes about our twins. I did feel a little alien from them. Much of this could have been the added stress of a twin pregnancy. On the other hand, the donor was 22. So we had fewer fears about chromosome damage.
For the first few months of their life, I did miss looking for the what made them like me. My parents don't know they are from de. My mother thinks Corie looks more like me than Kate does. Kate is the bio dd.
As far as love goes, I love them all dearly. Differently, yes. But not because of their biology. Different personalities make for different love.
When they were first born, I thought of their biology alot. Now they are 3 and it only pops in my mind when I hear about this topic or when people tell me how much they look like me or dh.
Looking back, I would certainly do it again. Marieke

I'm glad Marieke posted before I did...I can just say DITTO! Oldest dd is donor egg and the twins are donor embryo. So none of my kids are genetically related to me. I do look at them differently, but because of different personalities. When I was pg, I did think it was weird to not have any idea who the twins might look like. I would never be able to say Catie looks like... On the other hand now that she is here, Catie looks just like Catie! LOL.

I too would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I feel truly blessed by all my children. In that regard, genetics doesn't mean a thing.

Diana

[Momtotwins]

I don't post that often but had to on this. I guess I can relate to the concerns you might have ahead of time but after having had TWO twin IVF preg.using DE and DHS I can say for me it has NEVER been even close to being an issue.In fact like everyone has said you really forget until you have to think about it. For me I had no other options left.I was diagnosed with POF at age 18 we did try pergonal and clomid but no luck. I wanted children with my DH more than anything else in the world. We never really even stopped to consider any of the what if's and such. My oldest two are B/G 14 yrs old my DS everyone always has said looks like me,dark hair and eyes even his personality is me(even though I would never admit it to him)My dd is her dad all the way. Our two youngest are 7 B/B ,dad all the way. I remember being up at night all alone nursing them and just feeling totally amazed by the love I felt for them. I have always secretly thanked the two wonderful women who donated so I could be a mother.The babies were and always have been mine right from the BFP call,the first u/s & heartbeat,the first time I felt them move all of it. If your desire is strong for more children the rest will come.
By the way we are currently waiting on donor # 3 for another try to complete our family.
Good luck to you.

[emmaalso]

I understand the fear but a friend of mine once said think of it as an organ donation. It is a few cells and then you nurture you carry the blood and oxygen that keep it alive and allows it to grow and live. WIthout you it could not exist.

I cannot imagine feeling more love for my son as I do. By the time you feel the baby kick in your belly you realize it is all yours. NO regrets ...

[Laenae]

If I am fortunate enough to become PG with DE, I am going to give my child(ren) all the love that I have to give. I pray with all my heart that my prayers will be answered. I know somewhere in the back of my mind I will think about how my child came to be, but also know that without me carrying it, nurturing and giving the child it's life blood, it would be nothing. It would mean the world to me just to see how my daughter reacts once I tell her that she is getting a brother or sister. She always asks why she is an only child. I truly believe that I couldn't possibly have anything but love for a child that I bring into this world and will consider it as my own.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and thoughts with me. It makes me feel so much less alone in what I am currently going through.

Love,
Laenae

[m(or)]

I wanted to add that research shows that the incubating mom also affects the embryo. This is not just by providing nutrition. They have discovered that the incubating mom determines how some characteristics come out. They split an embryo and implanted one half in one mom and the other half in another mom. The embryos developed differently. I don't recall what animal they used for this. If anyone can find this info, please post it. Marieke