***Laenae***

Laenae,

I thought I recognized your sign on. Congratulations on finding another donor and being only a month away from your DIVF. Certainly an exciting (and nerve wracking) time!

I am very sorry for the losses of your twins. You've come a very long and hard road...

I had a question reading your reply to the tell or not tell post. Are you going to tell any child(ren) that you have as a result of using a donor? I wasn't sure if you meant that you were only going to tell your parents and brother or if you were planning to tell them and any child(ren) you had.

If you are not going to tell your child(ren), would you mind adding your reasoning to your post? I'm asking because I haven't seen anyone say they would not tell the child(ren), but would tell family. If that's the case, someone else reading the tell/don't tell post might benefit from your perspective.

Of course I might have completely misunderstood and you are planning on telling both the child(ren) and family....

Hope this next cycle is the one for you!

Diana

[Laenae]

Thank you for the welcome back to the boards and your kind words. It means a lot to me. I truly have been through a great deal. I have been married almost 20 years and spent at least 14 of them trying for No. 1 and now another 5 trying for No. 2. I do note that many women here have been through the same and much more.

First off, I must give an idea of where I am coming from with relation to my mindset about NOT disclosing. I was brought up in a strict Catholic ultra conservative European background, and am still very conservative. That has not changed. As far as I know, DIVF is not even permitted in my birth country. I wish it were as I would have loved to have found a donor with my gene pool and roots.

We do not plan on sharing this information concerning Donor IVF with anyone including the child(ren). We most likely will only tell my parents and my brother as they know that I was considering doing a Donor IVF although they are against it. I have already taken the big step in going forward with this without their approval and/or blessing. I don't plan on advertising to my parents that I went ahead and did DIVF. However, if they ask me directly, I don't think I can look them in the eye and lie.

For many reasons, we just do not feel that the child would need to know exactly how they came to be. Why open a pandora's box if not absolutely necessary. If there were a medical situation, we may change our way of thinking, however, for now we are not open to disclosing. In my way of thinking, I feel disclosing to my child would somehow distance themselves from me or have them look at me differently. I could never deal with being treated one way, and after disclosure, being treated differently. That is simply my opinion. Not saying my way is the right way or wrong way and the same goes for those that choose to disclose. I could not face the rejection or being looked at differently.

I do understand the reasons some people would want to disclose, but it simply isn't the answer for me.

Regards,
Laenae

Laenae,

I think you stated your feelings beautifully. Would you mind adding them to the "to tell or not to tell" thread? If you are ok with adding them, it is very easy. You can copy the text from your post here, then go to your post on the "to tell or not to tell" thread and click on edit. Put the curser where you want to add the text and paste.

If you'd prefer not to, that's just fine. I just thought that others might get some food for thought if they saw your reasoning.

I look forward to watching your progress in this next cycle!

Diana