To tell or not to tell

[BC-donor]

I feel that this topic is very important & definitely needs to be discussed. I also know how heated the topic has been too. Let's discuss the reasons why you personally chose to tell or not tell, so that when someone is new to the idea of using donor gametes, they can look at everyone's thoughts & try to learn more to help them make the right decision for them & their family.

This thread will be pinned & closely monitored, so that people from both sides of the fence can share their own personal reasons for their decision. Please remember, no bashing will be allowed.

Which ever decision you made, please, share the reason(s) that you came to that decision.

[BC-MAV]

We are choosing to tell because:

1. We want our son to know how much he was wanted and what we went through to have him. We want him to understand how he came to be and that my baby sac was broken and "C" carried him in her baby sac. (surrogacy)

2. We are proud of the loving, giving, nature of our surrogate and how she dedicated 2 years of her life to help us have a family before we had success and our DS was born. We want to share this with our son.

3. Our surrogate and her DH are part of our lives and their children know what a wonderful thing their Mom did for us so we want our DS to also know how great SM, her DH, and 5 kids are.

4. We are planning on telling future children about egg donor because we want them to know again how wanted they were and what we went through to have them. We want our future child to understand how my eggs were too ripe and "M" gave some eggs to us so we could have a child and how "Y" carried our child in her baby sac.

5. We also want to tell our children about how they came to be using donor egg so that they know about their medical history which is very important. We want our children to know if they have some special talents such as music or foreign languages, that neither DH nor I have, where those talents perhaps came from.

Reasons we decided to tell our children (dd is donor egg and twins are donor embryo) and some of our concerns and experiences:

1. We did not want to have our children surprised at finding out how they came into our family. We were concerned that if we did not tell and our kid(s) found out about it later, it would create serious trust problems in our relationship. We were concerned also that, in the future, genetic testing would be much simpler to do than now and it would be easy for our children to find out they were not genetically related to us.

2. There are many diseases that have a genetic component, and we wanted our children to have all the correct info they could on their genetic background. We have already had three significant instances where doctors wanted to know genetic backgrounds of our kids. a) We had the twins' hearing tested because their donors were anonymous. We did not have dd tested because we know the donor and simply asked her if hearing problems ran in her family. b) dd temporarily had a possible neurological problem. The neurologist, in order to assist in diagnosis, was interested if there was a family history of neurological problems. c) Youngest dd has a disease that is more easily diagnosed if it has shown up in the family.

3. We have a supportive family. There have been adoptions in my and dh's families and no one treats any of the kids differently based on their genetic ties. We also have no religious beliefs that assign negative implications to embryo manipulation. We also knew the donor and felt it would sort have been a slap in her face if we didn't tell oldest dd about her generosity.

All that said, we are careful who we do tell. We have not shared their stories with folks who live here locally because we want our kids to hear the story from us, not on the playground. We don't know what we will do, after we tell the kids, if one (or two)wants to share the information with their friends and the other(s) want to keep the info private.

So that is what we decided for our family and issues we have run into and what we might run into based on our decision.

I'm glad this thread has been started. I hope that providing our personal experiences will be really helpful to those just starting out on this journey.

Diana

[DawnL]

We haven't actually done anything with donor sperm yet, but if we can get enough funds together, we will be doing IUI with donor sperm.
so.....
We will tell our child (if we're lucky enough to have one). We have two children through traditional, domestic, open adoption already. It may sound silly, but we don't want the child conceived with donor sperm to feel left out. We would tell them that they were adopted before they were born, where our older two were adopted after they were born.
Plus, we've always been so open with our IF issues with everyone. I would never want any of our children to learn something like that from someone other than us. I truly feel that our children know how much they are loved and wanted, knowing what everyone went through to make them a part of our family.

[Cheryllynn]

Dh and I have discussed this topic for over 2 years now.

We are looking to grow our family with donor embryos.

If there is a baby from donor embryos we have decided to tell because:

1. We think the child has a right to know where the genetics came from.

2. If there is a health issue in their future and both of us are gone, we'd hate for the child not to know that we do not share genes - so for health reasons, not only of this child but their children as well.

3. We want to control when and how the child finds out. We are not going to tell anyone until after the child knows just so we can make sure any info doesn't slip out from grand parents, aunts uncles or cousins.

4. I think there is more than just hair/eye color that are passed in genes. I think there are sensitivies, proclivities, habits, talents, etc that are also passed genetically. Because of this, I don't want our child to feel like they are out of place for some unknown nebulous reason.

5. I can't see hiding this information from any child that I would give birth to. It would be keeping the biggest secret from someone I would love with my whole heart and protect with my life.

[genie]

I'm so glad to read how people feel about this topic. Thank you for sharing your views.

Although we are just starting out on our DE journey, my DH and I have been thinking we would not want to disclose. The reasons given here are valid and important and have given us food for thought.

I also wish I could hear from someone on the other side of the fence, who would not or has not disclosed to the child or anyone else, and how that has worked out.

Thanks!

[m(or)]

My oldest dd was conceived by IUI with my dh's sperm. So she is bio to both of us. Our twins were conceived with dh's sperm and donor eggs. I carried the pregnancies.
We have chosen not to disclose. My parents live next door and my mother has expressed to me that she does not understand how a mother can love an adopted child as much as a bio child. I'm sorry she is so misguided. I feel that she would treat my twins differently than my oldest because they are not bio to her. And she has a big mouth and would certainly say something that could damage my children emotionally. Once my parents are gone, we will reconsider disclosure. They are 82 and 78.
I also think that high school lab DNA tests will be a possibility. We will address that as it comes up. Marieke

[Laenae]

Hi Ladies,

I am an old timer from 1997/98 and have not posted in about a year or so. I am now after 6 IVFs and numerous IUIs (too many to count) on the road to DE. I had a donor selected last year (August) and was all set to go, however, when tested, she came back as a carrier for Tay Sachs disease. We were really disappointed as we really liked the donor. So, a year later and a new donor, my DIVF is scheduled for the 2nd week of March. I am very excited and scared at the same time.

It took a great deal of agonizing to come to where I am today, but I finally decided to go the donor route because I wanted to complete my family. My natural bio daughter will be 5 yrs. old on 2/19. I have been trying for No. 2 since she was born and got pregnant with twins after the 4th IVF, lost baby A at 6 weeks and baby B at around the 10th week of PG.

My DH and I decided that if I do become PG with the DIVF, we will not disclose to anyone with the exception of my parents and brother. While the arguments for telling are good, we feel it would be better not to tell. That is just how we feel. I don't know how we will feel in the future, but right now we can't shake the feeling of letting sleeping dogs lie as it were.

Looking forward to posting on FT again.

Laenae

[Janie-OR]

We have chosen not to disclose. We are a very private couple, and none of our friends or family know that we used DE (or even IVF!), and we want to keep it that way.

1) I don't think it's anyone's business how my dd was conceived. There is no risk that my dd will find out from someone else about her conception.
2) I never asked my mom or dad if I was "theirs" or if I was conceived the "normal" way and I don't expect to have to answer such a question from my dd either. And believe me, I felt different from everyone else in my family.
3) the donor had stated in her forms that she did not want future contact with any children resulting from her donations.
4) in the event of a medical emergency requiring a donor, my clinic can contact the woman who gave anonymously. But in my own family, we learned a few years ago that having genetic links is no guarantee of a match for bone marrow or organ transplants
5) my dd is my daughter. Plain and simple. She started out as a few cells, but I grew her inside my body, and I nurture her now. She is totally my child.

Janie

[ivyandriollo]

I saw that some members on this thread had mentioned about using donar embryo. We are also considering the different options available for us (DE or D embyo or baby adoption). We haven't made any decision yet, but are interested to know, for the members who used or decided to use donar embryo, how do you come to the decision, and how do you decide donar embryo over DE. I would appreciate any input. But if you think this is too personal to share, I can understand.

Thank you very much!

Ivy