To tell or not to tell

Greetings,

Not to tell is what brings me to the site.

I read some of the posts. As expected, we all face different circumstances and have different backgrounds; each decision is, therefore, unique and valid.

In our case, we are seeking an anonymous donor, which I feel is a key element to our decision. We don't feel that a single extraneous cell and IVF makes it less our child. Should any dire medical issue arise, we'll cross that bridge then; we've decided to play the odds.

Mx2

[KelliAnn]

Originally Posted by mx22006

Greetings,

Not to tell is what brings me to the site.

I read some of the posts. As expected, we all face different circumstances and have different backgrounds; each decision is, therefore, unique and valid.

In our case, we are seeking an anonymous donor, which I feel is a key element to our decision. We don't feel that a single extraneous cell and IVF makes it less our child. Should any dire medical issue arise, we'll cross that bridge then; we've decided to play the odds.

Mx2

You said what is in my heart, thank you!

[lleva99]

We have chosen to tell for a variety of reasons:

The main reason that we have chosen to disclose is that we want to be honest with our children. We believe that it is their right to know where they came from, their genetic background. I know from personal experience how important it is to know your medical background and to be able to get in touch with genetic relatives if the need arises. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't have my sister to donate bone marrow to me. God forbid that any of my children would ever have to go through what I and my parents and siblings have gone through in battling childhood cancer. But if something did happen I would want my child to know before hand that their genetic background lies with a donor and not have to tell them in the midst of a very difficult time.

Everyone that we know is aware of my infertility problems d/t the fact that we have a very close-knit and supportive community and church family. When I was 8 I was diagnosed with Leukemia which was treated with 2 1/3 years of chemo. Then I relapsed at age 13 resulting in additional chemo, radiation and a bone marrow transplant. Due to our inability to have children naturally we decided on the adoption route to begin our family. We don't want to decieve anyone and make them think that we miraculously got pregnant and defeated the odds.

I don't know that we'll tell people specifically how our children came to us. We may just tell people that we did in-vitro or that we used fertility treatment and not delve into the details. We haven't talked about it to that depth yet. We have quite a few more years before we have to broach it with any children that result from donated embryos or from IVF with de.

Of course, we're not going to broadcast to the world. But obviously since my daughter was adopted and if I end up being blessed with a pregnancy d/t the miraculous gift of a donor; people are going to be curious. And we are prepared to tell them the truth. We are already talking to our 16-month-old daughter about adoption in bits and pieces and will always talk about adoption so that it's not a foreign word, idea. So that it isn't perceived as negative or bad. We want her to have a positive image about adoption. The same will be true for any children that we have d/t donor embryos or donor eggs.

The way I view donor embryos or donor anything is that it is adoption in some way, shape, or form. Donor embryos are babies that were adopted before they were born. Donor egg/sperm are not genetically either parents so in a way that part of the child is adopted. Kind of a strange way of looking at it but that's the way I see it.

Just my opinion. I've really enjoyed reading everyone's responses and reasons. It's given me lots of food for thought. I'll be anxious to see any future responses to this thread. God bless everyone in your journey to completing your family!

[jadejong]

lleva99 - That is also how I see it.

Due to male factor IF, we adopted two kids first. Then we pursued embryo adoption. We have a 2 year old and are pregnant with another baby through embryos from different families. We have always been honest with our children about adoption and couldn't imagine not telling them and the same hold true for our babies from adopted embryos.

When we got pregnant, we wanted people to be clear on the fact that it was donor embryos, not donor sperm (for our own personal reasons). Because we have a huge extended supportive family, who are incabable of keeping a secret, full disclosure was the best choice for us.

Like others have said, we explain that our oldest two were adopted after they were born and these next two were adopted before they were born. They still needed a tummy to grow in is what we've told our older kids.

That being said, we do not tell the public, the school or strangers unless they specifically ask or need to know. It is not a secret, but not everyone needs to know everything.

Our families and friends know the basics, but only our children will hear the details - from us.

[ogbmom]

I had psoted this on another site and was asked to post here, as it is relevant to the topic at hand. Good luck to all of you.
My partner and I used donor sperm for our daughter, who is now 19 months old. Because we are a lesbian couple, I would not presume to understand the position of a father who could not concieve a biological child. However, I can speak as an adopted child, whose mother and father were willing to provide all the information they could to help their daughter in her quest to find her biological mother.

I have known I was adopted since I can remember. It gave me such a sense of being loved. I was always told that my life was a gift from a woman who loved me enough to give me to people who could better care for me than she could. I always believed this and, hence, have always wanted to find and thank her for what she did.

When I was 25, through the grace of God and a lot of good old
fashioned luck, I found her. She had since married, but had no
children and her husband did not know about me. She told him right away, we met the same day I found her and have remained very close since.

My REAL mom and dad (the ones who adopted me) wanted to meet her, but fell ill shortly after I found her. They both passed away quickly and never got to thank her as they had so wanted to do, though they passed along that message through me each time they knew I was going to see her. I continue to see her often and she is moving closer to be near us and her granddaughter.

I suppose my message is this...you love your children, and they love you. These children are gifts. The fear of a child growing away from you is real and painful, but so often based in insecurity, a fear of disloyalty. Know that you have loved and nurtured your children enough that they will never lose sight of the gifts you have given them - their lives. Love them enough to let them know their biology.

For me, at least, finding and knowing my biological mother has made me love and appreciate my parents more than I ever knew I could. It was a sudden and lasting epiphany...I am who I am because they adopted and loved me for all these years. And this, I could never repay.

[jadejong]

Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony!

[ogbmom]

You are very welcome. I enjoy sharing my story with everyone who will listen. I came into this world so loved and have never felt otherwise.
Though I was lucky and always knew I was adopted, so many children do not have the same fortune. Children are so smart - they know when something "just isn't right" - they know when they are not being told the whole truth. For me, the knowledge that my parents were not my "biological contributors" was a blessing. My entire life, I knew I felt different, but also I knew why - and that was the blessing. I didn't have to wonder about it, I knew why and there was a peace in that for me.
I thank God for giving my parents strength and faith enough to tell my brother and me the truth about our adoptions, but most of all, I thank God for my parents...and so will the children who are conceived and raised in love - no matter where the sperm and/or the egg comes from.

[Liz's Mom]

1987 was the year my daughter was conceived in a small Iowa town of 60,000 - German/Catholic. I never did understand why it was considered by anyone such a shameful thing to do, but I was convinced for a long time by my husband we should tell no one.

I'm one of those older moms (53) who just told my daughter the day
after she turned 18 (last week). Keeping the secret was horrible for
me. I was so afraid - "especially" after waiting so long.

Telling her has released a sense a freedom in us both and reaffirmed
our closeness. Her father still is unaware that she knows but my
daughter and I will just deal with that day when it arrives.


Chris

[Garczar]

I don't know if I am allowed to post my thoughts here, as I am not in a situation to tell or not to tell my child that she is a product of donor sperm. I am looking at this issue from the other side. I am a former sperm "donor" who may or may not have any genetic children out there.

I just wanted to voice my opinion and thoughts on the subject, and share my feelings and gain some understanding from your beliefs.

My donations started about 1996 and stopped officially in 2001. By this time, I had already been married for several years, and had a daughter of my own. I guess that most people think of a sperm donor as someone who is only in it for the easy money, and I will not tell you that that isn't true for some, but that was not the motivating factor in my case. I wanted to help others achieve the goal of a family; those that may not have had the chance otherwise.

I signed up as an anonymous donor because that is what was offered at the time that I signed up. I am currently registered on the Donor Sibling Registry as willing to be contacted, because I feel strongly about the "rights of the child" to have any and all information that they deem necessary. I realize that the idea that a donor wants contact is scary for some/ most of you, and that is understandable.

I did not sign up to become a father again. I do not expect or want to step in and have father/ daddy role. A child's parents are those who raise them, play with them, change them, feed them, protect them and love them. What I am willing to offer is to be here to answer any questions that might arise, and to try my best to act in the best interest of the child.

I think that it is also important to think about the medical history that is provided at the time of donation. Like I said, I started donating in 1996. Almost ten years ago, ten years of my immediate family aging, histories changing, some have only aged ten years, others are not with us anymore for various reasons. I would hate for anyone to use my medical history as their own, when it is not even completely accurate at this point in time. I am not saying that I was untruthful when I filled it out, but things change over time.

Good luck with your decisions.

Garczar

Sorry if this rambled on, I will edit it later if necessary

[BC-donor]

Originally Posted by Garczar

I think that it is also important to think about the medical history that is provided at the time of donation. Like I said, I started donating in 1996. Almost ten years ago, ten years of my immediate family aging, histories changing, some have only aged ten years, others are not with us anymore for various reasons. I would hate for anyone to use my medical history as their own, when it is not even completely accurate at this point in time. I am not saying that I was untruthful when I filled it out, but things change over time.

Some people using a donor have absolutely no info other than what they were given at the time they selected their donor. In my case, the clinic destroys the files after a certain number of years to ensure anonymity to the donor. There also may not be an opportunity to check the registry for a donor if you only have her initials. It's important to realize that sometimes there is no opportunity to receive any updated health info on the donors family. True, health issues will change as the years go on, but not everyone will have access to those updates, which could be part of the reason for not wanting to tell.

Any further discussion on this particular point is welcome, but not in this thread, so that we can keep the main focus of reasons why a parent chose to tell or not tell.