To tell or not to tell

I am not using scare tactics, if you are referring to me.

If you go to the website for DonorSiblingRegistry (a yahoo! group) there is a link to have your male child's DNA matched to other blood relatives who have decided to purchase this service. Depending upon how much you pay, they match from 12 to 36 strands. At the point where your child matches someone with 36 strands there is a fairly decent blood relationship.

Someone I know purchased this service for her donor-conceived son, so he might know some of his geniology. There were 2 men (brothers) who matched with 36 strands. They contacted the mom and asked if they could put her son on their family tree that they were making.

By taking their last name and info. about the donor, and doing a search online, the mom was able to determine with a fair level of confidence who the donor might be. The son (almost legal age) got this man's email address, again with online search, and he emailed that man. Yes, that man is his donor.

So...there you have it. I am not trying to scare one single person here. All I said was that someone found his donor with DNA testing!

Stefani, I understand why you aren't sharing about the DE. That's fine! That is your decision. You have personal experience in why you don't want to share that information with your child. No one here is saying your choice is bad!

[KelliAnn]

[B]I agree with Stef. If and when we do another cycle, we will not tell the child. Nothing to be gained by it. It will only produce questions, questions we probably will not be able to answer.

[BC-KarenS-MI]

nathanzmom,
I think you're taking Stefani's comment out of context. I didn't read it that she was saying that YOU were trying to use scare tactics, but rather the way I read it was that perhaps the person who told you that was trying to use scare tactics. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I personally read her comment.

Karen

[Stefani]

Hello -

Karen, you were exactly right in your interpretation. My point isn't to attack or accuse, just to provide some clarification for those not versed in current DNA technology. Accidental discovery is virtually unthinkable; that doesn't mean that with some clues and intentional searching, that the information can't be uncovered. I tried to make that clear in my previous post.

Best wishes to all,

Stefani

[burlwindow741]

It is entirely possible to find your donor by having a DNA test. The donor doesn't have to have had a test, only someone related to him, even by a very distant relative from hundreds of years ago.
The person that Nathanzmom spoke of had a DNA test simply to find out more about countries of origin. When the 2- 37 marker matches came up, it turned out that they are related from common relatives in the early 1700's. Still, because of the Y chromosome, their last name did indeed turn out to be the last name of the donor. Not too hard to figure out.
So, with this recent development- sperm banks who are still promising anonymity to donors should think twice. DNA testing is becoming very popular- watch the news. This may be the first incidence of a DNA test directly leading to a donor, but it won't be the last.

[KelliAnn]

I hope this isn't a usual, posting as a newbie! Anyways, wether or not a couple decides to tell is between them. We should all respect that.

[Ellen495]

My son knew that he was donor conceived as early as he understood (about 3). Up until then (I was single at the time) he just knew he had a mommy and a nana and a papa and lots of people who loved him.

Why shouldn't he know? I'm not ashamed of it, so why should he? And I certainly didn't want him thinking I got knocked up by someone and wouldn't tell him who. Or the guy died or something.

Even if I had been married (which I am now) I would have told him. Deceit is ALWAYS discovered.

My daughter is adopted from China. It's quite obvious that I couldn't lie to her - and she was adopted at 3 years old - but even had she been adopted at birth from a white woman (I'm white) - I would have told her. For the same reasons as my son.

I'll be interested now to go back and read the thread.
Glad to hear about this forum.
Cheers!
Ellen

[Deafpsych]

This is absolutely correct. Using a DNA test I was able to determine the family name, and lo and behold, there were 2 male students where my mom had DI at the right time with that name. It's most likely one of the 2. Don't underestimate the abilities of your kids to find their donor if we want to.

Originally Posted by burlwindow741

It is entirely possible to find your donor by having a DNA test. The donor doesn't have to have had a test, only someone related to him, even by a very distant relative from hundreds of years ago.
The person that Nathanzmom spoke of had a DNA test simply to find out more about countries of origin. When the 2- 37 marker matches came up, it turned out that they are related from common relatives in the early 1700's. Still, because of the Y chromosome, their last name did indeed turn out to be the last name of the donor. Not too hard to figure out.
So, with this recent development- sperm banks who are still promising anonymity to donors should think twice. DNA testing is becoming very popular- watch the news. This may be the first incidence of a DNA test directly leading to a donor, but it won't be the last.

[BC-donor]

Let's all remember one important thing with this thread. This thread IS NOT a place for anyone to bash or make inappropriate comments, or debate about whether to tell or not. Posts that stray from the personal reasons that each individual has for telling or not will be edited or removed.

As members of this bb know, this is a VERY sensitive & hot topic, which is why this thread was started with the strict rule of keeping it to your reasons for telling or not telling.

If you're looking to debate this subject, please, take it to the Debate bb here at FT. This is only supposed to be a thread to help others that are in the position of trying to decide whether or not to disclose. Heated posts & posts bashing others for their decisions are NOT helpful.

Thank you for your help in keeping this thread clean!

[isellki]

Hi Everyone
Just wanted to share a little of our experience. DH and I found out 2 years into our relationship, both aged 21, that he had a zero sperm count and that Adoption or Donor sperm was our only hope for a family. This devastated us, our world spun. We had no one to turn to, to talk to, that would understand. The thought of using a donor at that point I couldn't even contemplate, nether could my DH. Then through the Internet we found out about the Donor Conception Network. It is for parents with children conceived using a donor. For parents with children conceived in this way a major issue is whether or not to tell their children, other family members or friends. DC NETWORK is a group started in 1993 by parents who had decided to tell their children about their origins and who came together to support each other.
We decided to go to a meeting just so we could meet people who would understand how we felt. We were greeted very warmly, and met so many wonderful people with families conceived using a donor. We found a wealth of information regarding both sides of the argument and most of all it gave us the first bit of peace we had felt since the diagnosis. Even though this is a UK based support group, they welcome people worldwide. But the website has a wealth of info and wonderful stories from members for anyone to read. 10 years on we are about to start our journey to parent hood. My DH under goes one last biopsy to see if we can try an ICSI cycle. If this doesn’t workout, which we don’t really expect it to, we will go the donor route and disclose to any children that come along. No matter what your decision I believe that knowing as much as you can on a subject can only empower you. After all Knowledge is power.
Good Luck to all of us on this journey.


http://www.donor-conception-network.org