To tell or not to tell

[Kalyn]

I posted this same question when I first came to FT in March 2003. Now my dh & I have a beautiful son and daughter (twins) from our second DE IVF. In an ideal world we would keep quiet about the DE, because it really means so little ... I am their mother in every sense and I couldn't love them more if there were a genetic connection. The funny thing too is that my daughter looks so much like me I'm always getting comments about how she's just the "image" of me! I wish they never had to find out, but it's not a perfect world and I couldn't live with the possibility of their finding out from someone else, and being desperately hurt by our non-disclosure. I guess that puts me in the "tell" group.

[genie]

We are waiting to be officially matched with a known donor. Our family and friends don’t know her. My DH wanted to disclose to close family and friends but I fought him on it. Over the past few months I’ve seen a major change in my personality. I’ve been unable to sleep, eating less, making bad decisions. I think it’s because I have hated living with this secret and desperately wanted to share it with the people I love but I've been unable to. I felt a sense of shame that I had to use donor egg, as if I’m less of a woman than the other women in my family. I am starting to realize that I will be unable to live with this secret and if I’m going to go on and be a mother to a DE child, I have to share my experience with others, at least those to whom I'm close. I’m still not over the hump, but I’m going to take steps to help get me there.

[mcfallm]

My DH and I have decided not to tell. This was a very personal decision for us. Like a few of you we did not want the family to treat the child any different. At one point my DD offered to donate to us but we felt that she was too young and that it might not be a good idea. We felt that with all the questions we encounter just with IVF alone adding DE to the mix was just too much.

[Lexee]

I am sorry if I veered off the original intention of this thread.

I will probably not tell. We have a son that is bio to both of us. I do not want there to be any distinction between the children in any way. I also am not sure that family members will be open minded and may make distinctions. I think it places one member of the family somewhat outside from the rest. Since we are using an anonymous program it replaces a known with an unknown. I can say that right now my dh and I are not comfortable with telling.

If both children were donor, I might feel differently. I also might feel differently based on changes in the child and family dynamics ( if health issues arise- although my donor has no history of any disease that would be an issue, you never know). But, once you tell you cannot un-tell. So we will not disclose in the beginning to anyone and if something changes later in life, we still have the option of telling at a later date.

[Loraflo]

Well, my DH and I decided that our babies had a right to know, but no one else unless they chose to disclose in the future. I had a rude awakening yesterday as I was talking to my FIL. We were talking about the tragic story of the couple who lost both of their children to a nanny driving drunk and have now lost the donor egg babies she was carrying at 20 weeks. My FIL made some horrible comment like well, it was a pregancy against nature. I argued with him that an egg is still an egg paired with a sperm. It wasn't like cloning or anything, but he didn't seem convinced. I can only imagine what he would think of me and our babies if he knew. Very depressing.

[Stefani]

We have decided not to disclose to anyone. Some of our reasons are:

1. We regret disclosing our infertility issues and now we can't "untell." We don't want to be in a similar situation later.
2. Because our donor is anonymous, we believe that there is nothing to be gained by telling. I think it would bother me to know that I was conceived using a donor if I could never know who the donor is. It would leave me wondering about the mystery man or woman.
3. Our children would likely be educated in Catholic schools. Enough said.
4. We live in a very small town in the Southern USA. If we were to disclose, it would absolutely necessitate a move.
5. My husband's side of the family is just lovely, but mine is a bit nutty and prone to making rather blunt and even hurtful comments. Arming them with this information would not be in the best interest of the child/children.
6. We don't feel compelled to share the particulars of this, or any other medical issue with others, and we believe that we are entitled to some modicum of privacy. Neither My Mom nor my Dad shared the details of my conception, and frankly I don’t yearn for that information.
7. Some have mentioned a concern about high school science projects confirming that one of the parents is not a genetic contributor. I am a scientist and my husband is a physician. I have worked with DNA for many, many years and I am not concerned about that issue. It seems improbable (for a multitude of boring reasons) that human DNA analysis will be performed in secondary schools in the near future - if at all.

Good luck to those of you still figuring out what is best for your situation.
- Stefani

[fisp]

Right on Stefani!
1. I have never asked my parents their blood type and don't expect me DD to ask me. If she does, I will LIE rather than reveal the donor issue because of a 6th grade science test.
2. My DD doesn't need to know what I went thru for her to feel loved or special - I make her feel that way anyway.
3. kids - especially teens- only want to be normal and just like all the other kids.She doesn't need to worry about boys, pimples,puberty, college AND who her biological mother is.
4. She doesn't have any "right" to know until - maybe- she's an adult
5. You must ask yourself, am I telling my child because I think he will be better off with the knowledge ie. happier or healthier, or am I telling him because I want him to know and appreciate everything I went through. If yours is the first, then by all means, tell.

RE: DNA testing...I know someone who recently found who his anonymous donor is, almost by accident, because his DNA testing matched another person's DNA. It was through a web site for tracking your geniology via DNA testing.

[Stefani]

Whatever our decisions may be, they should be informed. I certainly don’t want to be argumentative, but I think it’s important to realize that it’s not possible to accidentally match your DNA with someone else’s. If DNA testing and comparisons were made that easily on the Internet, we would have no need for skilled forensic scientists. DNA testing is far from routine, and in fact, if you ask almost anyone you know if they have had DNA testing performed, invariably the answer will be “no.” In almost all cases, this testing must be sought by you, or law enforcement either for purposes of proving or refuting paternity, including or excluding you as a suspect in a crime, or possibly just for the sake of interest. Even if you do obtain the information as to your DNA makeup, you still need to compare that information to others in order to confirm a match. For that reason, you will require some idea of who you are looking for, otherwise your search will be too random to ever lead to anything fruitful. Furthermore, this comparison needs to be made by a skilled lab technician, molecular biologist or biochemist. Most people do not have the education and experience required to interpret electrophoresis gels.

In other words, you cannot simply “upload” your genetic profile onto the internet, and find a match. That would be science fiction. Science fact is that too many processes are involved in matching a DNA profile to have random chance matching. The genealogy services on the internet provide only crude analysis and also require that both parties have submitted samples. Most people do not have their DNA tested and available for ID matching. Those that do are often criminals, not egg donors. In addition, DNA testing is not, and will not be done in secondary schools. Most schools won’t even allow for simple blood testing due to the exposure risks. The way of the future is not DNA testing in high school, rather it is increased paranoia about viral exposure risks and universal precautions with bodily fluids.

So, can a child conceived from a donor egg find out who the donor is using DNA matching? The short answer is yes. But in order for this to happen, several conditions must be met: both the donor and the child must have provided DNA samples for analysis and uploaded them to a database, the child would therefore likely have to be actively looking for such information, the child would have to suspect that this crude match was perhaps their parent, and confirmation tests would have to be arranged. Overall, the chance of accidental discovery is remote. Anyone who tells you otherwise is using scare tactics to try to sway your opinion to their viewpoint.

Best wishes to all of you making difficult decisions for your family.
Regards,

Stefani

[annette40]

Hello everyone,
I just thought I would post my personal reasons for "not" telling our child of DE. In fact, we are not telling anyone. DH and I have thought about this issue long and hard. We have one child that is older and genetically linked, and I have tried really hard to put myself in my "childs shoes" or consider how I would feel. I personally don't think I would want to know if I came from donor egg.
When I was 7 years old, my mother told me that my Dad was really my stepdad. It was very hard and it certainly changed things for me. Not only my sense of belonging, but also my feelings toward my Dad. I just can't personally think of any benefit that my child would receive by knowing that he/she came from donor egg. Since my donor is anonymous it would be impossible for my child to find its mother, so then he/she would be left to wonder for the rest of his life.
I do think there is no right or wrong answer and it is a very personal decision. I just thought I would post my feelings on the subject. Good luck to everyone.

Take Care,

Annette