To tell or not to tell

[BC-donor]

We chose not to tell because we don't think that it makes any difference where the egg came from to create our children. Since it's anonymous, it's not like they'd be able to get any info or have questions answered, & we felt like it would just open the door for even more questions that we couldn't answer.

We exhausted ourselves going over whether or not we should disclose & we just feel like for us personally there are many more reasons for not telling. We don't want to have people talking behind our backs that our children "aren't really mine", or any other nonsense or "moral" jibberish that they might think/say.

It was not a decision that we came to quickly or lightly. We thought about it for many, many, many years before making the decision.

[maria2]

We're disclosing, selectively, how we had our children - close friends and family know.

So....
I think I used to believe we were telling becasue it was the "right thing to do." I think that was an illusion - I'm not convinced there is a clear right or wrong on this issue. In truth, we decided to tell because:
1) I'm not the kind of person who can live w/ something like that untold - just a facet of my personality that would make me uncomfortable for the rest of my life that I didn't tell. I didn't want a feeling like that hanging around the edges of my parenting. I think dh, w/ a different wife, would have been perfectly fine not telling.
2) To us, the information felt like a little bomb that could "go off" if either child discovered the information by accident. Our read of recent developments regarding DNA is that it will be basic medical information in the future, easy for a child to learn that his/her dna source different from Dad. Because we were worried about this, we wanted our kids to have the info from the beginning so they would never have to suffer that kind of shock, and selfishly didn't want to risk them hating us one day for never having told them. We have read such stories.
3) Here's a reason I didn't realize was a reason until reading others' stories here over the years: We told because we felt we could - our families were very supportive of us through IF - di was a stretch for some, and there are some not-great comments here and there - but over all, everyone was thrilled that we finally found a way to have our children and love them totally unconditionally. Adore them. Coo over them. Snuggle them. Sacrifice for them. And thank God every day for them. Their donor genes mean nothing negative to them. Not everyone is blessed with this kind of family environment when they enter the world of donor gametes.

We see it this way, and we tell our children the story of their arrival in the world like this:
These are our children, our baby angels selected for us by God (for my dh; the Divine universe for me- my religious views change here and there) and we for whatever reason, probably random selection, had to go through a painful path of discovery to find the right way to get them down here so we could be their parents. We were never meant to have any children but these, and the way they came to us is the way that was chosen for us. I tell them variations of that theme. The other day we were on a vacation and drove near the office where we'd had a failed invitro try, and I told my son, that's one of the places we went to try to get you down here from heaven to be with us, but it was the wrong place. He knows the story of our three attempts to bring him to us. Anyway, he was very interested to actually see the "place" from the story he already knows.

-maria2
mom to david, born December 2001 after 5 diui/clomid cycles
and Katie, born September 2004 after 7 diui/clomid attempts and one blessed HCG shot!

[Kam]

Hi! I am a lurker, rarely post, and never on this board; but thought I would throw in my two cents.

Not disclosing was my dh's stipulation before attempting diui. His position was that it was his infertility, therefore his right of choice.

1. The primary reason for non disclosure was/is a lack of understanding inside and out of our family circle. While some people would have been very supportive, others would not no matter what. We would never risk our children being viewed/treated differently because of this info.

2. Dh feels that if he were to learn today that he was not biologically connected to his parents that he would not want to know. He loves his dad so much that it makes no difference to him where he came from. He'd rather be left in the dark.

3. If a medical reason were to arise that forced disclosure, dh believes that the strength of the relationship will be comparable to the strength of the relationship he has with his dad. I already know it will be and also have no worries about my children having underlying feelings of disconnection or confusion about who they are as they grow up. My dh is a father beyond compare.

4. Now that our children our here, who look so much like dh and myself and other family members, they could not be any more ours. We rarely think about their origin. The issue seems so insignificant. But we do never forget the miracle of their births and feel nothing but grateful for how they came to be, under different circumstances we would broadcast to whoever.

I have read all the heated debates about this topic and have come to the conclusion that there's no "one size fits all" answer to this question. You have to ask yourself what is to be gained on both sides. For us, we knew that the "rightness" of disclosing would not outweigh the pain and prejudice we and our children would face; it would actually have been the more selfish decision.

[Kylie]

We are telling our kids how they came to be. Simply because we feel it is their right to know.

For anyone who hasn't gone down this road yet, please let me give you some very important advice. You can't tell ANYONE what you are doing besides your Dr if you plan on not disclosing. No parents, no siblings, nobody. You have to guard that secret closer than any other you will ever carry. You can't tell your brother and not your child. Trust me, family may love you and care for you but they do have mouths! Some of us have already learned that the hard way.

[AmyA]

I agree with Kylie. You cannot tell ANYONE if you don't want your kids to know. We have chosen to tell. At first we thought about not telling but changed our minds before they were born. No one but family and a few close friends know, yet somehow a couple years ago a lady who isn't even that close to the family mentioned something to my aunt about our kids being from donor IUI. My aunt was floored, told her that was family business and to please keep it to herself. Not even my cousins knew for goodness sake and this woman did! I still don't know how she found out! It doesn't matter anyway because our kids will know when they are old enough to understand the basics(probably very soon we will start telling them bits).

We told Nathan (now 13) from the start. Here's why I chose to tell him:

1. Heard that adopted kids with parents who tried to hide it often found out the truth later, and it hurt their relationship with their parents, sometimes to the point where it couldn't be mended. Seemed like that would happen with DI, too. I didn't want him to find out by accident.

2. Heard from a DI mom that when parents of DI-conceived kids divorced the mother would want to tell the kids the truth. (And I ended up divorced, too, so I know.)

3. To me it seemed that the biggest reason couples didn't tell their child about the DI was because the husband was ashamed of being infertile or carrying something they didn't want to pass on to their kids (inherited health problems). I can understand that there is a lot of stigma for men with infertility, and I am deeply sympathetic about it. My first husband was sterile and I agonized about it right along side of him. That is why we didn't TELL OTHER PEOPLE for some time. But we knew we'd tell our child the truth when he was old enough to understand.

5. Medically it's important. If you don't tell anyone about the donor then you have to put your husband's medical information on your child's health history. Your husband's medical information is incorrect information about your child's health!!!!!! Of course if a child REALLY REALLY needed accurate information we would give it to the dr., but then there is a chance the child could find out by accident. Someone at the hospital could slip and say something in front of the child/teen, or the child/teen might read it sometime down the road, who knows? Again, just didn't want him to find out by accident.

6. I also read a study a looooong time ago that said kids, who had parents who smoked pot but hid it from the kids, became sneaky kids. It was like the parents were sneaky so then the kids became sneaky. For whatever reason, when I got pregnant 14 years ago that stuck in my mind; that if I hid something that important from my child it might make him hide things from me. I don't know if that's true, it's just one of those things that came to mind then.

7. Some donors end up having hundreds of kids (no matter what the sperm banks tell you), so if my child knew he was from a sperm donor he would have less chance of marrying a half-sibling unknowingly. That doesn't worry me now as much as it used to.

8. The research I read showed that kids could handle the TRUTH about DI just fine. They were okay about the DI and they loved their dads just like everyone. So I figured we'd go that route.

Jen L.

[mmi]

We have chose NOT to tell.

My dh family is all italian and I know they would treat my children differently if they knew(and we would be total outcasts) Unless you are from an italian family, this is hard to understand. I just dont' think my girls deserve to be punished for our decision.

Secondly, there are so many self esteem issues and with using an anonymous donor, there is no way to get the children any more information.

Third, they will grow up with 2 parents who love them to death and will nurture any interest they may have. My mom and her brother found out just before my grandmother died that they did not have the same dad. They said they never had any inkling that they didn't and were glad they didn't know... this way, one would not have been thinking that their dad treated them differently because of it. Finding out was not a huge deal to them other than, wow, we would have never guessed that.

Fourth, our children will be attending Catholic schools. Another issue where they do not need to be discriminated by.

Fifth, we felt this was a private decision between a husband and wife. If some day the children would question or ask, then we might change our views. Both my daughters have my blood type and have many of their fathers characteristics.

to us, it has not been a "secret" or hard not telling. We feel 100% complete as a family and our children are growing up in a normal family and are very happy. We rarely think of the donor, except of course, we are very thankful of his gift.

I really think there is no right or wrong decision. What decision you make is the right one for you. Just like every parenting decision(breastfeeding/bottle, stayathome mom/working mom, which school your child attends, ect....) If you decide not to tell though, dont' tell anyone. I wish everyone luck, once your miracle arrives, youwont' be able to think of any other baby in your life. This was the one God intended for you to have.

[SandiLI]

All for telling the truth...

We have chosen to tell our DS about they way he was brought into this world. I too will stress how much we wanted to have him and how loved and special he is. I'm sure just like all of us.

I did DE with my older sister and I feel very proud to share the success we had. I have a very close family and they all know and supported us 100%. I had tons of support from my co-workers who I worked with for many years. I felt it was very helpful to go through this process with a great support system.

I feel very strongly about being honest with my son. If he ever found out from an outside source I would never want my son to feel hurt or mistrust his parents.

I am now in the process of doing IVF #4 with my younger sister and her children were already informed. My sister told them the basic info. and that Mommy is trying to help Aunt Sandi get pg. with another baby.

Each person has the right and reasons for the decisions they choose for their family. I feel for me I have chosen the right one. Good luck to you all!!!

[50/50]

If we are lucky to get preg with our first DE cycle and are blessed with a child or two we would definately tell our children how they were created. The reason we are choosing to do this is that we would want to know if we were created this way as well. Personally I think it's their right to know.

As one of the other posts said we are also afraid it would create a distrust in the relationship if we were to withhold this information from them. We plan to tell them as soon as they can understand or start asking questions. No matter where the eggs/sperm came from they will be "our" children. We would also like them to be the first to know so we are choosing not to tell any of our family members at this point in time.

[lentil]

I was adopted as an infant and now my husband and I are considering donor embryo. We have different perspectives. I have always known that I was adopted but it was a closed adoption. I would freely tell people as a child and kinda thought it was a special thing about me. I was and am pretty different from my parents in interests and temperment but so are a lot of people. I had a happy childhood.

I actually got to meet my birth parents when I was 29 and have a relationship with them(like a friend). It was really cool to be related to someone finally. That is something that non adopted people might not understand. I think it is a human right to know your genetic heritage for various reasons. I know it doesn't always work out so well but I think my birth parents have added to my life not been a negative. My parents are still my parents and they have been very supportive and not jealous. I think young children take a cue from their parents. If the parents don't think donor embryo or egg or sperm is a negative thing than neither will the children and they will have the resilence to stand up to anyone who tries to tell them it is negative.
Good Luck! It's not an easy discussion with all the new technologies, it is a lot for adults to understand!