The Truth About Identity Release Programs

[billdiadoptee]

Thanks for your questions, Tommysmom

Naturally, studies of DI children or adults who have not been told of their origins would be meaningless since you cannot ask them if they suspect without giving away the facts. Since DI clinics do not publish the numbers of DI children conceived, we cannot even know how many of us there are. Even the number of those who do know about their origins cannot be known unless they contact the groups I am aware of. However, that doesn’t make studies of people who know about their origins inconclusive, particularly since there are definite trends among these participants that are very consistent.

It is not unreasonable to assume that a large number of DI children do suspect their origins since the studies of DI children/adults who know about their origins reveal a significant number of these did suspect their paternity years before the disclosure. In my study, they also report that the discovery/ disclosure was not traumatic per se but that the secrecy itself was detrimental. My study of 68 DI adults reveals that 80% felt that disclosure was beneficial, not traumatic.

I’ve never claimed that all DI children will suspect. Although only 40% suspected their paternity, that is still a significant enough percentage to raise doubts about any assumptions that not telling children will prevent them from having suspicions or being impacted by information withheld from them. Those who suspected as adolescents or teens did so on the average of twelve years before the actual disclosure. In addition, 50% felt that the withholding had a negative effect on them and on their parents’ marriage, even if they did not suspect this information had anything to do with their conception.

As I have said in earlier posts, the reasons for suspicions go far beyond mere teenaged identity angst but real clues due to extreme differences in personality, talents, interests, and physical differences between themselves and their fathers.

Sociologist Sisela Bok’s studies on secrecy also indicate that any information withheld from a child will most likely be perceived by the child, no matter how well the parents hide it, even if the child cannot fathom the nature of the undisclosed information. In all kinds of persistent family secrets, children pick up the sense that something is off.

By the way, my study is not limited to adults who discovered late in life but includes 36 below the age of 30. The average age of disclosure among this portion is age 14. My figures on those suspecting before disclosure does not include 13 who were told before age 10.

I am not a professional sociologist, just an architect who is frustrated at the lack of sociological data on DI conceived people. I decided to do my own study, which will be published by a child development sociologist at Keio University (Tokyo) in late March. She has said that she will translate this and her observations from her own studies in Japan through her colleagues at Harvard sometime in the near future.

Certainly, my study sample is small compared the unknown numbers of DI conceived people. That is no unusual in any scientific study (though this is decidedly not). Statistical samplings often are only a small portion of much larger groups. It may be tempting to say that the sample is too small but even drug companies release products to the general population based on tests of relatively tiny groups. The studies that Nathansmom mentioned are even smaller than mine and studied only younger children.

I do not feel that DI children are predestined to be miserable. I certainly am not and neither are the vast majority of the 150 or more other DI adults I have known over the last 22 years. I feel things are changing with respect to disclosure. Many more parents are now concluding that their child ought to know.

Although comparisons with adoption are debatable, I will make one analogy with it. There was a period when adoption “experts” believed that adoptees should never be told and that was the common wisdom for several decades. Multiple studies of adoptees and adoptees' own writings over the years have shown that non-disclosure in adoption is severely detrimental, even though adoptees are also not predestined to be miserable. Today it is unthinkable that any adoptee would not be told about his origins. Adoption counselors in some countries and certain agencies here in the US will refuse to accept potential adopters who express intentions of not telling.

Bill Cordray

[KelliAnn]

I just happen to stumble onto this thread. I am speaking from my POV, being an adoptee myself. I always knew I was adopted. I was fine with that. I have encountered many non-adoptees seem confused about who they are, in a sense. I imagine, that like it is with adoptees, there may be donor children that question who they are, and some that really are not concerned.

Kel

My son Nate is 13 and has always known. I told him from the start; there was never one time when we sat down for The Talk. His donor is pretty much a non-issue for him. He has a dad, and not much interest in his donor. Yes, he's curious and would like to see some pictures and talk on the phone if able, but it's not a very big issue so far.

JL

[Sarahstarfish]

Hi all

Perhaps if everyone stated their own opinions and experience, and only that, there would be no disagreement and the OP would be able to tap into this amazing resource. Surely we are not that thin-skinned that we have to ask newcomers not to bring certain topics up...

I am an egg donor and for me as someone gifting the opportunity to create a life, a person, it is about that person having access to what I see as their basic human right to know exactly who they are. I couldn't be party to anything that deprived someone of their true genetic heritage, of what it was that made them 'them'.

Best of luck, hope you find some useful information to help your decision making.

Regards

Cindy