Looking to make friends with people in my situation....

[babyhopes2005]

Hello.
I am 29 yrs. old and was recently diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve - determined by an FSH level of 33.1 (second test: 42.2). My only options for having a child is through DE.

I have been struggling with so many emotions lately and have also noticed that I have begun to pull away from a lot of my current friends who are either pregnant or have children already because it seems that they do not understand, nor feel much compassion, for my situation. I am honestly worried that I will not have many friends left after this journey ends and am looking for others who also feel alone and wish to create new friendships with people who understand them. Does anyone else feel this way? I would love to chat with you.

Please reply,
babyhopes2005

[DawnL]

Welcome to the infertile world! (Sucks, don't it?)
I'm not in your specific situation, but dh and I have been married 15 years and have never been pregnant. You are right, no one understands, unless they've been there.
Our situation is that dh has a very low sperm count. The only way we could get pregnant is with IVF w/ICSI, and we don't have money for that. We moved on to adoption and now (finally) have 2 beautiful children. But we want one more, and decided to try IUI w/donor sperm.
You will find many people here with all kinds of situations. I have been coming to Fertile Thoughts since 1995 or so, and it has been a lifesaver. This website is the reason I am still sane.
I think Christmas 1999 was the lowest point for both dh and me. We didn't even bother to get a Christmas tree. We thought, "Why bother? We don't have any kids, anyway" That was also the Christmas that Jim's Aunt Sue gave out big, thick books on childrearing for all the young mom's at the Christmas Eve family gathering. She also gave one to my newly married sister in law, who had never been pregnant, but she didn't give one to me. Apparently she had run out, and wasn't trying to be hurtful at all, but it was all I could do not to hide out in the bathroom in hysterical tears.
So yes, we all know how "they" don't understand. It totally sucks that we needed to find this place in the first place, but we do have each other, and that's a lot. There is a great group of people here and you will make great friends. We all understand when your best friend or SIL or 14 year old neighbor just told you they were pregnant. We know what it's like to have to avoid the baby aisle at WalMart or Target or Penney's, because it's painful to look at all the adorable baby things. And we have also had that secret stash of baby clothes that we couldn't resist buying.

[BabyLove]

Hi! Welcome to Fertile Thoughts!

I am sorry to hear about your news.
It is absolutely dreadful and I am terribly upset even though I do not know you.

Infertility = loss..we are all in mourning, in one way or other, and what you are feeling is absolutely normal. People who have never experienced infertility have no way of knowing what we are feeling. Whether you can't have a child because of ovarian failiure or because of a male factor, we are all in the same boat.

There are plenty of women here with ovarian failure who have gone onto donor eggs. I am not sure if that is an option for you or not, but you can work towards that goal if it isn't an option right at this point. Nothing is impossible....you just have to fight a little harder for what you want. Once you attain your goals, it will not matter how you attained them. You must stay strong and fight for what you want. You want to be a mother. If you want to be a mother, you will have to fight for it. You will have to set goals. You are young, so you can start fighting now...there areothers who first find out that they are having problems when they are 38....big difference.

We are all here for one another. No matter what the problem is.....we have all experienced the same disappointment. We can't lose faith and hope. I know you may not be feeling overly enthusiastic right now, but you must turn this into a win-win situation for you.

I understand why you are having problems keeping in touch with some of your friends. They really don't understand and some of them probably don't care. I know. However, we come into this world alone and will leave alone too, so you must not let them make you feel bad. Nor should you give up on them. How would you like if the situation were reversed and someone just stopped talking to you. Do unto others.

Are you in a position to consider donor eggs/IVF?

please let me know.

[emmaalso]

It is difficult and there were days I was quite depressed. Hearing the words "we werent trying, it was a surprise..." made me MAD.

However, after all of those painful shots and tears and failed attempts. Its worth it when you do get pregnant and have your baby.

Hang in there and take your time coming to the conclusions you need to come to as to how to deal and how to move on. Whether is DE IVF, apotion or not having children its still your choice and noone can take that from you.

Please ask me anything and read the various posts youll see al lot of women going through what you are dealing with.

Emma

[BC-MAV]

I am sorry to hear that you have POF or diminished ovarian reserve. I can understand people not having much compassion that have not suffered through infertility. Do your friends think you should just adopt and they don't get that you might like to try donor egg or donor embryo to experience pregnacy? Have you really talked to them about all the options? Do they think they are wierd options? Or do they think you should just accept the hand dealt to you?

Well we are all here for you to support you in whatever you decide to do. I almost wished we had a diagnosis for our infertility because it would have made treament options simpler. Like if my eggs were too old, then donor egg. If DH had zero sperm, then donor sperm. If my uterus was mishapen, then perhaps surrogacy. But we have unexplained inferility so it's not simple and the options are not black and white.

There are so many ways to have a child. It is understandable that you want to shy away from people that already have kids. They haven't had to struggle or think about anything. Do what you have to do. We would skip holiday celebrations before we had a child because it was too painful to see all the babies.

Let us know how things go. Again, we are here for you!

[Cheryllynn]

Pulling away from people & friends who have children is what I would unfortunately call normal, especially when you're trying to get a grip on what life has just dealt you to deal with.

There are options in getting pg using donors, but there still is a huge hurdle in coping with the genetic loss to any child you have. For some people this doesn't take too long, for other people it takes longer.

Whether adoption or donor, money will be an issue too.

I would consider asking your RE's office for a referral to a counselor that specializes in infertility.

I've been on FT for almost 4 years and another IF bb for over 1 and the friendships I've made through these bb's are absolutely priceless. I've actually met a few in person too and it's been wonderfully soothing to my soul after having to deal with so many insensitive fertile people.

Have you talked about what your options are? What your dh is open to?

[BC-KarenS-MI]

First of all, 's to you! While I'm terribly sorry that you find yourself in this position, I'm SO glad that you found us!! SOOO much love & support on these boards, it's amazing!!

I was dx with Premature Ovarian Failure at the age of 22. Had proper testing been done, I would've been dx at 17. My FSH was anywhere between 60 to the upper 90's, WAAAYYY higher than my mom's!!

It is SOOO very normal to begin pulling away from friends & family who are pregnant, have kids or gleefully announce that they "accidentally" got pregnant. IT's your way of protecting your heart against any more hurt & reminders of the struggles that you face.

What ever emotions you're feeling, I can almost guarantee that they're completely & totally normal too. The grieving & feelings of loss of the genetic child you always thought you'd have, the confusion as to why it's happening, the fear of telling others who won't/don't have a clue of what you're going through. There's SO much going on that it's hard to not find that your emotions are swirling all around you.

Have you & your DH discussed using DE? Is it something that you think you'd like to do? Usually the hardest part of the whole process, is just making the decision to actuallly move forward. Once that decision is made, you won't look back, not even for a moment. It honestly & truly doesn't make one bit of difference that the egg didn't come from you. YOU will be the one to carry the child. YOU will be the one to bond with the child while he/she is growing within you. YOUR blood will flow to your precious little miracle & give him/her life. YOU will experience all of the joys of pregnancy. YOU will go through labor & give birth to this precious little miracle that you've been caring for for 9 months. It really won't matter where the eggs came from. That child(ren) will be yours, 500 million percent yours.

We're all here for you. Please don't feel like you have to go through this process by yourself, or that you have to struggle with your friends. We always have room for another here, although I wish that we didn't have to have the room.

One more thing, until you decide whether or not you'd tell your children that you used DE, don't discuss it with anyone. If you tell people now & later decide that you'd rather not tell your kids what you did to have them, it will be too late. Telling or not is a VERY personal decision & one that has no right or wrong answer. It's based on each person & each situation. The saying is that you can always tell, but you can't untell.

Good luck & I really hope that you'll stick around with us!! This is truly the most wonderful, amazing place you could ever have found!! And when you're ready to get started, come on over to the IVF & High Tech bb!! The gals there are so wonderful!! That board moves a bit faster too, so you can get a lot of IVF questions answered!!


Karen

[lleva99]

Hello, first of all I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I do understand as I'm in the same situation. I'm 23 and was diagnosed with POF a little over a year ago. It's definately a very hard thing to hear and it takes some time to come to grips with the diagnosis and work your way through the grieving process.

I don't know how much more I can say as all of these ladies before me have said it all so well. We sure are glad your here, this board is a lifesaver. The ladies here are WONDERFUL and have so much to offer some of us newbies in the world of infertility.

I was fortunate enough to run into DawnL when she was adopting her youngest. I'm a nurse and was working in the nursery the night that she and her new son were being discharged. We got to talking about my (at that time) new diagnosis and she pointed me to this site and I'm so grateful to her.

As many have said already, there are many options and, at least with me, I had to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be able to have bio children, I had to make peace with that reality, then I was able to open my heart to all of the other ways to build a family. We chose to start with adoption and now we have a beautiful daughter, Emma, she's 4 months old and the light of our lives. Next, we're moving on to using donor eggs...Emma's bmom is actually going to donate!

You just have to figure out what the best decision for you and your S.O. is. We chose to adopt first because we were anxious to start our family and at that time felt that we couldn't chance the money and time on infertility treatments that weren't guaranteed to work, we'd rather spend it on a more sure avenue to getting a child with a little more predictable time table. Anyway, you have to decide what is best for you, what you're comfortable with.

There are lots of resources on these boards and lots of people to talk to. I'm always available, you can pm me if you'd like. Also, check out the thread that I started about ladies with POF and success stories from donor eggs-we're all in your same boat and here to support you all the way! We're so glad you're here!

[cmath72]

Hello...I am new to these boards and am also looking for friends who have been through or are going through similar situations. I feel for you! DH and I have been ttc for 3.5 years and recently found out, after a m/c and 5 IUIs that I have a chromosome issue that increases my chances of having a m/c and increases the likelihood of having a child born with abnormalties.

Over the past month, we have been struggling with making the decision as to whether to continue with IUI, move onto IVF with donor eggs or go the adoption route.

For others who are considering or in the process of doing IVF with DE, what was your deciding factor and how did you come to that decision? DH is ready to proceed with IVF and I have been the one undecided. I need all the help I can get with putting this in perspective!

Chris

[BC-MAV]

Moving on from IUI to IVF. This is how it progressed for us. I hope retelling our situation will help you decide.

It was OBVIOUS in our situation. We had done OPK tests for 1 year with LH surges and BMS and no + tests. We went to an RE who recommended we continue with the OPK tests and he added the u/s to see if the follicles were maturing and PC tests to see if the sperm was living after having BMS. Everything was normal and we had 6 IUI's and no + tests. None of the IUI's was medicated and when I read in a book that your chances of conceiving are higher when you use meds combined with IUI, I knew we needed another RE that was not so conservative.

We moved on to another RE who said we didn't need IUI and we could do meds and just BMS. I responded very well to Metrodin when that was the only FSH med around and then to Clomid, making lots of mature follicles on both meds. I resonded so well that we did not have BMS on 1 cycle because there were too many follicles and we did not want to risk multiples and we would NOT consider selective reduction.

After all the failed IUI's and the failed natural cycles with meds I wondered if my eggs were not fertilizing with the sperm in my body, if my body was rejecting what was fertilized, or if I had endometriosis all over, etc... That was when I knew I needed a lap and I had one and there was NO endometriosis. The RE at the time suggested IVF because that was the only definitive way to see the quality of my eggs and to see if the eggs and sperm fertilized naturally. My eggs fertilized fine and we got excellent quality embryos and my uterine linings were good.

Now after 4 failed IVF's we knew things fertilized fine, we made excellent embryos, and I had good uterine linings, but still no + tests ever so it really was unexplained infertility as things looked so good on paper, but nothing every happenned. The RE said it was a "no brainer" and he recommended that we use a surrogate and transfer our good quality embryos to her. Nothing was wrong with my uterus physically but after 8+ years ttc with no + pregnancy tests ever, something's gotta change to make it work!

Ok so now on to surrogacy. I went through 4 more IVF's with transfers to our SM, who had 5 kids or her own with her DH and great linings, and it was not until the 8th IVF, 2 years after meeting our surrogate Mom that she became pregnant and gave us our "miracle" son. That is a LOT longer than usual to have success with a fertile woman. I again began to think that perhaps there was not only a problem with me carrying, but perhaps the combo of DH and MY gametes wasn't quite right since it took so long for our SM to get pregnant with our embryos/gametes.

That was when we decided to use donor egg. Again out of curiosity I wanted to see if my FSH had gotten worse now that I was 40. It is still a 4... very low... and very good. We decided anyways to use an egg donor (had children and proven in terms of pregnancies and children for the IP's) in hopes of having better success. We got 11 embryos from her and with 2 different surrogate Moms over the course of 1 year did not have a pregnancy!!! At this point I was thinking maybe there is something "unknown" with DH that was wrong.

We decided to do egg donor one more time and found a donor. (no children, never donated, not proven). We also found a 4th surrogate mom (2 kids and very fertile, IMO, 1st time surrogate). Surrogate Mom got pregnant the 1st try with these donor egg embryos and we are now expecting a 2nd child.

I know this was LONG. But for us it was a gradual process and it made sense to move on to the next step when things weren't working out. Good luck in your decision!

Edited to add: we also pursued adoption at the same time we pursued surrogacy.