The loss of a biological link was definitely a process for me. The whole journey was a process, really. At first I was like:
*I'm not doing infertility treatments!
*I'm not doing IVF
*Ok - we'll do 1 cycle
*Well, maybe we should try another cycle...we have to tweak the protocol
*Let's try a 3rd time
*I am NOT doing DE - no way...no how!
*Should we adopt?
*Maybe it won't be so bad doing DE
*BFN, again? DE is starting to look good
...and on & on.
The loss of the biological link really irked me for a couple of years because our family has such strong facial similarities & quirks passed on through the generations. I look just like my grandmother, my cousin's daughter looks just like my mother and so on. I have no idea who our children will look like and I'm sure everyone in the family is going to scratch their heads wondering "where'd they come from?".
But, I finally got to a point where genetics didn't matter anymore. I just wanted to become a mother. And that was really the bottom line for me (that and we couldn't afford to cycle anymore). I'm due in March and I could care less about the genetics. I cannot wait to hold my baby and nurture that little being!
As someone posted, not everyone is going to come to the same conclusion about DE and everyone gets to whatever realization at her own pace. I think you'll know in your heart and in your mind when/if it is time to move on to DE.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you! (child ment)
Thanks for posting this! For selfish reasons, I needed someone to ask what I'm feeling now (and don't want to admit although who understands better than those on these boards). I too, am in the process of trying to accept DE and this has been a particularly difficult week for me. Now that I am on a waiting list and can start my mock cycle anytime I want, I think the reality of my slim chances of using my own eggs is hitting me hard. Why is my body failing me, what did I do to deserve this, will I even like a DE child as much as my genetic one, am I giving up on ivf too early, why do i have to suffer while teenagers and crackheads who shouldn't have children are doing so, and on and on...
I try to look objectively at all the reasons why we decided to try DE and I read and reread all the success stories from those that have "been there." and try to get psyched up for it. Unfortunately at the moment, it is not happening.
Anyway, I don't mean to depress you or anyone else. I hope your acceptance journey goes quickly and not to painfully.
((Hugs)) to you and all of us!
I'm so glad you posted. WHat a wonderful offer your cousin has made!
Yes, I went through a process when transitioning from DE. 3 failed cycles of IVF w/PGD made it abundantly clear that my own eggs were totally shot. I had issues to work out related to my past & missed opportunities in life, so I went through some grieving -- all the stages: denial, isolation/depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance... Interestingly, the very process of thinking & talking through my donor options was therapeutic and helped me work things through.
I am very happy to say that one of my cousins donated for me! She's an absolute angel; she was positive and enthusiastic through the whole thing, we got closer, and she did great. The actual process was SO much less stressful than cycling with my own eggs.
Today I'm 9.5 wks p/g with twins! (And I have four perfect embies in the freezer as well.) I am so happy things worked out the way they did; if I hadn't needed an egg donor, I might never have found out what caring, wonderful person my cousin is! Her support made such a wonderful difference.
Today I actually feel OK about being a unique individual w/no full siblings and no child from my own eggs; I appreciate my own uniqueness more and I think I may even love my kids better for being themselves instead of being mini-me's.
There's more on my blog about the journey.
All the best to you, and to everyone on this thread!!!! :)
Sasha - I am 30 and its hard to believe that I am about to use donor eggs. I am so excited to see you have twins from a DE cycle! Its very encouraging. Do you mind if I ask what your diagnoses was? I have done 5 fresh and 3 frozen cycles with no pg.
lulu - your reply made me teary.... :)
I loved reading all the success stories, thank you everyone for sharing.
After 5 failed fresh and 3 failed frozen cycles, the last one with only 1 PGD normal embryo we decided to try donor eggs. I did cry about it for a few days, had to grieve, but overall it was a pretty easy step for me as well. The idea of more failures is much harder for me to face than the idea of DE's. I just want to be pg and share that experience with DH. I know the moment I get pg it will not matter anymore. Because from that point forward it is my body making those babies. I am already so grateful for our donor just for giving me a chance to get pg. And its nice to have a break from ER. I am just so nervous that it still won't work.
Close your eyes and enclose yourself in a protective clear bubble....look at the world through that bubble, with nothing but positive thoughts.....a clear slate, an I think I can sort of thing. Eat as healthy as you can. Stop caffeine if you have not already done so, stay away from any toxic people or situations in your life, get plenty of rest, and just breathe.
If you are able to do all these types of things......whatever it takes to be as healthy, calm and centered as you can, you will be giving your little embryos the chance that you can possibly give them.
You will be in my thoughts.
My diagnoses was poor egg quality. What's yours? My FSH was 7, I have lots of eggs but they're just really bad!!!! :( My RE said the quality was of a 50 year old woman, they started to die as soon as they were retrieved.
I know it's hard but try to stay positive. DE works the first time for a lot of people. My first fresh DE IVF cycle resulted in a BFN (2/06)) but we had 6 embryos left from that cycle and four months later we did a FET (two 6 day blasts) and I got pregnant with my twins.
The only thing I did differently was acupuncture. I could honestly tell you that acupuncture helped me get pregnant. It helped me with my lining, and I was sooooooooooooooo relaxed before, during, and after my transfer. :D
I felt the same way as you, I just wanted to get pregnant! Once that baby is inside you, you could care less where the egg came from!!!
Good luck to you!!! :hug:
For me it was a process that went over a period of several months. My first reaction at the news I couldn't use my own eggs was that "no way" I will not use someone else's eggs, period. The whole point of having a child is to have an offspring that will bear my traits and genetic material down the line. I cried my heart out and mopped for months, but kept thinking about DE and not necessarily in a good light but more so as time went by. I could have tried anyway with my own eggs, but all things considered, it wasn't the fastest way to get a babe in my arms and 5% success rate is not a good rate for an investment of any kind. So we went DE right off the bat. No regrets.
Adoption was not an option for us. I also wanted to carry the child, although after what I went through during pg, I think I was nuts. There is a book "Pregnancy Sucks" that says it all. ;) It was all worth it though :) I wouldn't trade my child for anything.
Bottom line after many internal debates and discussions with DH, it all came down that being a parent was more important to me than having my genes passed on. There are many other things to pass on besides genes ultimately.
I just went through a period of looking at my child trying to figure out what part of him were from the donor, which left me with a taste of bitterness. It was another stage for me; our babe is now around 4 months old and I am so passed it. He is completely mine. Friends, family and strangers alike are telling me how our babe looks so much like me. Funny, eh? :) I even catch myself saying that our babe has my nose and eyes without a second thought. I wonder if the egg donation will eventually just be a distant memory just like many others; you wonder if it happened or your mind made it up.
For us the decision was made relatively quickly. I had done 2 full IVFs and one canceled IVF with my eggs, but was 30 and had great FSH. They kept putting the blame squarely on the sperm since DH has appallingly bad sperm as well. However, I was on incredibly high doses of stims, 600 units of follistim a day and my E2 at trigger was barely above 800. Never got more than a "you're beyond the bell curve response-wise" from that RE.
New year, new RE, new FSH and suddenly my FSH had gone from 4.1 in Oct. to 10.6 in Feb. RE said DE, but I was disbelieving despite a family history of early menopause and POF. I mean, really, I was 31. So I ordered a slew of drugs, tried to cycle in April and was canceled for a cyst, then in May I had 7 antral follies, an FSH of 13.6 and an AMH of 0.4.
My RE wouldn't let me continue that cycle, never let the stims start, and by that time I was done. I just couldn't take the stress. The constant startup and stop of trying to cycle and getting canceled, the follie checks that felt like a failing report card, the lousy fert report followed by the dismal ET report. DH was at a conference and I did some research, shed my tears and told him we were going DE. And he supported me. We jumped in with both feet and spun the office's mind with how quickly we wanted on the list.
And even though I knew that was the right path for us, even though I was sure I made the right decision, I still had mixed feelings about the first DE cycle. I hated the donor for "being better than me". But by the time she triggered, I was overwhelmed with the magnitude of what she was doing for us. It was BFN, but for the first time we had 3 perfect blasts.
In the interim, we did an SCSA on DH, he hadn't had the count before, and found out he had a highly DNA-fragmented sperm percentage. I kind of think my ovaries failing was the best thing to have happened to us. Men with highly fragmented sperm need "perfect" eggs. There hasn't been a successful pregnancy using TESA'd fragmented sperm and an egg older than 27. Having already had the DE decision made for us, we didn't have to make the DS or DE decision.
We have no frozens, but we are blessed enough to be finally 22 weeks pregnant with a singleton. A handful of people know the "whole story" and some day our child will know. I have no regrets, but do admit any chatter about who the baby will look like does hurt a bit. And I honestly think any detachment or ambivalence I feel is more due to the fact it took us SO long to get here and we've been on the wrong side of the odds SO often that my heart tends to guard itself. That the years of infertility have scarred me, NOT the use of DE.