I'm struggling myself... should I give up?

[whenismyturn]

I've clicked into here because I've been thinking if I should give up trying. I just turned 36, with 2 fibroids and have been trying since 34. I really love kids and I was a teacher in my home country before. I came to the US and got married with my husband when I was 30. I thought we would start a family very soon. But we didn't start trying until I was 34 and found out I had 2 fibroids.

My DH is a laid back person. He likes kids but he is in no hurry to have one. So this explains why we did not start trying until I was 34 and I told him if he wanted kids, we should really start trying.

Of course after 2 years, there is nothing. And everyone around me is pregnant with kids. I actually wrote in the other thread that there're like 20 couples I know are pregnant with kids only within these 2 years. Even worse is that my husband has a BIG family. His dad has 8 siblings and so he has tons of cousins. And you know, among all his cousins, only 2 are still single and 1 married couple does not have kids. Most of them get married and within 2 years they have their 1st kid. But we have married for 6 years without kids, not to say that my DH is the eldest in his family and his youngest sister has 2 kids and his younger brother's 1st baby is due next year. So needless to say, we are like a weirdo. I know his traditional relatives were thinking I might have a problem... They just did not dare to ask or say anything.

So really, I don't know what to tell them when they ask when we will have kids. I don't want to tell them we will have kids soon cuz I feel like I may not be able to have one after all. Then they will just prove that I'm the one that has a problem and they will look down upon me (it's the way traditional Chinese acts). And also I've been thinking... my DH is not really into this whole matter anyways, and I'm the one who's been researching and reading books and trying this & that. I have the feeling that we're just not meant to be parents.

Yes I feel really sad. But I think it might be better for us, for our marriage. Cuz then he can continue to be a laid back person, and I can stop blaming him for being not supportive enough. Honestly, I am VERY scared of undergoing any treatments to just find out I still can't get pregnant. I know I'll be devastated and he won't be able to help.

It is really a hard decision to make. So I'm still debating myself. I also told my husband but I don't know what he thinks. It is really not an easy decision, esp. for me since I always love kids. And I know I'll still feel sad & happy at the same time when I saw his relatives' lovely kids. I love my sister-in-laws' boys. I just hope time will help me get over this if we make such decision...

[Jennifer9999]

I'm so sorry you are struggling, and wonder if you've made any decisions since you wrote this post? I really don't think it's something you will "get over" - as you say in your last sentence. Many women and couples lead happy and fulfilled lives without children, but I think it has to be a conscious decision - not a decision by default. Many couples are not on the same page at the same time. We each have our own ways of processing and decision making, and you and your husband might need time to get to the same place.

Are you seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, not an ob/gyn? That would be key. What treatment was suggested?

Have you reached out to other women in the forums who have fibroids? They will be able to provide you some information on what their treatment and outcomes were like.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

[whenismyturn]

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for your reply! After that post I talked with my husband, and he said we should go to the RE to find out if they can help first. So we went there, did a bunch of tests and did clomid + timed intercourse for last cycle without success. I cried when I saw my BBT dropped. It's really not easy. Cuz we both have problems. RE recommended I can try IUI this cycle cuz of my fibroids and my DH's slightly low sperm motility. So yes, I'm going to have an IUI 2pm today! I'm so nervous that I couldn't really sleep well. But yesterday I went to have the mid-cycle scan and RE told me I seem to respond to the Clomid really well this cycle. And since my follicles are already kind of big, she suggested me to have IUI today. But at the same time, she said if this cycle I can't get pregnant, I may have to see another Dr for a biopsy since she said my uterus lining seems a bit thick (14mm) and it may hinder implantation. I can't believe it... suddenly there's yet ANOTHER obstacle. I'm really worried about this. And of course biopsy isn't covered by our insurance. Anyways....it just seems so complicated and I really hope that I can get pregnant this time...

Please wish me good luck...

[Jennifer9999]

Yes - sending you luck and good thoughts! I'm glad you and your husband are talking and working on this together! Keep me posted. Are you posting on the IUI boards too?

[whenismyturn]

Thanks Jennifer!

Yes I did just post a new thread on the IUI board! I really don't want to anything now other than coming here and getting ready for my 1st IUI.

[Jennifer9999]

Glad you posted there, since things are so quiet here - want to make sure you're getting some good support and questions answered. Best of luck to you today.

[WhitneyAtFertilityAuthority]

Wow: Our stories are sooooo similar. I started even later than you (38), and did try IVF and other procedures, unsuccessfully. It took me that whole process to know that our only option was adoption or living childless. I am glad that I tried and I would do it all again because it was part of me knowing that I had absolutely tried everything!!! We did decide to live our lives without babies. It took me years to be okay with it but I am now. I would love to talk with you about your decision (s), and offer some support and ideas that will help you through. Whitney1
wwoods6270@aol.com

[MrsEvans07]

wow.. I totally feel you on this situation. Even though I haven't been engaged long I see my fiance's family and all the kids they have. I am an only child but my mom has 7 brothers and sisters and my dad has 6 brothers and sisters all with 2+ kids. My fiance on the other hand has 8 brothers and sisters and all off them have 5+ kids with their spouses. So I always wonder what his family thinks or if my fiance will be truly happy if we don't have kids. I dont know if we should keep trying and I keep being depressed and crying and causing friction in our physical life. Or just come to terms with never being a mother and try to be happy just the 2 of us.