I never thought I'd be pg, let alone here....

[momla]

2 weeks ago I found out that I was pg naturally. We have never been pg naturally. 11 years of unexplained IF...one successful IVF and an international adoption. I saw a HB at 5w5d but it was only 70. Started spotting very lightly once on Sat and then again on Wed. US Wed confirmed that we had lost our baby at 6w0d.

This has been such an emotional rollercoaster from thinking that the chapter of our dreams of a pg were closed and sealed to discovering that apparently they aren't at 38 and 39 years old to losing the baby all in a matter of weeks.

We are living with my mom b/c we are in the process of building a house and while I am socially close to my mom, I am not emotionally close to my mom--does that make sense? She and my sisters and I talk and do thinks together frequently but emotionally I haven't been close to her since sometime around age 8 or 9 b/c we are so different. So, going through this and having her hover around me is about to drive me insane.

I'm so devastated. I am acting fine in front of people and they think that I am lukewarm about this....they even ask me that...."Are you okay or was this chapter really just closed a long time ago and so it doesn't bother you? Cuz you seem fine." I just tell them, "No, I am very sad." What I want to do is lay on the floor like a kicking screaming toddler b/c I'm PISSED. I'm HURT. I'm ANGRY. I'm DEVASTATED and I want my baby back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I opted to go at this naturally and I really want to. I don't want a d&c. I'm a doc. I have done an OB fellowship. I delivered babies, did d&c's all that before I left medicine 5 years ago to be a SAHM. I want this to happen naturally. But, so far nothing and I just want it over. I think. Part of me wants to let it ride around in there forever.

No medical training prepares you for the emotional side of this.

So, now this dusty chapter is open. And, now I want this so bad. I can completely see how this would have been 100 times harder if I didn't have any children. I also can't fathom how difficult this is if your baby is older. My heart aches for my friends and those of you who have been down that road.

I'm so scared that I'll never get pg again. Or that this will just keep happening. But, I haven't gotten closure on this b/c I haven't started bleeding. I'm so goal oriented. I want closure so that I can feel like I'm moving forward.

I'm just venting. No need to respond really. I'm sorry all of you are here. This really stinks emotionally.

Sigh......

[SC-Sherb]

BC-momla, I wanted to offer you more hugs. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. My first m/c at 10 weeks, I was only 18 and it was all very surreal, like it was happening to someone else. I didn't have alot of people to talk to (except my DH - boyfriend at the time) about it because everyone kept telling me that it was "for the best", "I was young and would have plenty of time to have more kids"? Even then, I thought, spare me, you aren't the ones that just lost their baby.

My 2nd m/c, again was at 10 weeks and devastating to me. Yes, we already had 2 beautiful children and we were very lucky, I know that, but I still wanted the baby that I lost. I had dreams, hopes and plans for that baby and he/she was mine. Maybe being older (I was 37 at the time) added to everything because I didn't know if we could get pregnant again or what if we had another m/c but I knew that we had to try. I had that little one for those 10 weeks and I knew that we wanted another.

I did have a D&C being already 10 weeks and personally, I just wanted that part of it behind me. Emotionally, I couldn't take the time to wait and pass it naturally. I think the D&C was a cleansing for me, if that's what you want to call it. I do remember 2 days before the D&C, going to with DH to get his license renewed and there was a lady in line around 7 mths pregnant. I broke down, knowing that my baby was dead and still inside me and I had to leave. That part was hard for me and my older 2 kids as well because they just knew that mommy was sad and had to go to the hospital.

Anyways, I just wanted to say that if you want to lay on the floor, kicking and screaming, you have every single right in the world to do it! That was your baby and all of your feelings are real! People just don't get it, they really don't. I know that my family was supportive but even after getting pregnant again and having DS#2, they think that I shouldn't be sad about the loss of the baby before.

But, no matter what, I will always remember my 2 angels. They were a part of me for just a short time yes, but they were still a part of me.

Again, hugs, I hope that things start happening for you so you can get your closure and I hope and pray that you get another miracle and a healthy baby. I really do wish all of those things for you.

[momla]

I really do wish all of those things for you.

This is what I love about FT and why I lean on all of you for support and try to be supportive as well. We really DO wish good will and positive outcomes for one another. We KNOW how bad it hurts to be on the receiving end of bad luck.

Thank you for your kind words.

[roundtwo]

If you'll pardon my french, that absolutely blows. I can only imagine thinking that putting all the IF behind you only to be pleasantly surprised and have it taken away really sucks.

I had my 4th miscarriage about 4 weeks ago, and I'm still upset - to the point where I was diagnosed with postpartum depression (all of the depression, none of the baby) and am taking some time off work.

I'll share my miscarriage experiences with you I guess with the idea of helping you decide to go for the D&C or just ride things out - obviously you have to make the decision yourself and I definitely don't want to influence that.

My first two miscarriages were early - both around 6 weeks and entirely spontaneous. I was pregnant, then heavily bleeding and cramping and I knew they were over.

My third was a blighted ovum - I took pills to induce the miscarriage (misoprostol/cytotec) and it was worse than my labour with my DS, and didn't end up working. We had a trip planned to be on a beach in a rural area on the east coast the following week so I opted for the D&C.

My fourth was at 15 weeks, after 5 ultrasounds with a healthy heart beat. Because I was worried about damage to my cervix/uterus from a 2nd D&C in 6 months I decided again to try the misoprostol/cytotec to induce it but this time had the foresight to ask for some T3s. If you go this route be sure to have a hot water bottle or two ready because they made the cramps better. I actually passed the baby and part of the placenta the first night, and definitely felt some closure from it, but a week later there were still "products of conception" so I ended up with a light D&C anyway.

Whoops, after reading all that I realized this message was a month old... hope it's all over for you by now.