Not sure how to feel?

[RedSands]

I am really unsure of my emotions and I am more scared than I have ever been in my life.

I am an extremely non-emotional person and am the rock of the family; but this situation is unbearable!

I am almost 34 weeks pg with one presumably healthy son and one deceased daughter. Her growth started slowing at 8 weeks and ceased at 18 weeks. We saw her with no hb 2 weeks ago. None of the 10 peri specialists at UC Irvine have an explanation. Her amnio was good, I have no infections and he is growing just fine so they are left with no dx. They don't think it was IUGR or twin to twin transfer.

My body has started contractions to basically expel her and I am taking medication so that he can have more time to bake. I will probably go into labor in the next few weeks.

I really don't know how to feel. I have been strong the last few weeks/months. I feel like the infertility experience has allowed me that strength of, "at least I get one baby". I also feel worse for the women in the waiting room who are crying and clearly don't have a spare like I do. Then I feel guilty about thinking this way.

I am very scared about seeing her. Is that strange? We don't know how long she has been gone, probably a month or so. I really don't know what to do. If I don't see her I may regret it later. If I do see her, I don't want to be so upset and ruin the joy of having a healthy baby. This is the ultimate bitter-sweet scenario.

I am also scared about my feelings. I have been suppressing them to "stay strong" for my son, but I feel like the hormones after delivery coupled with the situation is going to be overwhelming for me.

I don't know if I am looking for advice...maybe just experiences/suggestions/thoughts.

I had been closing my eyes for the u/s's the last few weeks. It was too hard to see.

All of this makes me feel like I am a horrible mother. If I don't see her I think that will make me feel worse about this. It is not like I was in denial. I just couldn't see her in there struggling. The spots on her brain, the fluid in her heart. I felt so helpless. I thought her passing would make it better, but it didn't. It is still hard and I am terrified to see her.

I read that most mother's want to see their stillborn. I just feel like this is different since she is going to be in there so long decomposing and I have to be happy about my son.

I don't even have a name to give her...

[pattycakemom]

Honey I am so sorry that you are in this situation. My heart breaks for the pain you are going through. I lost my sons twin but much earlier(around 10w). I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you. I can't imagine how hard this must be. There is a loss of an infant child board here under parenting and there are many wonderful ladies over there. The board over there has more people veiwing it. Many prayers for you and your DD and you son.

[FiletMe]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is incredibly difficult for the exact reasons you have described - how do you grieve the loss of one baby while still carrying a living baby? I was pg with twins, everything was fine until 26 weeks, when we found out that one of my dd's had passed away. We also had no reason why, until they were born and found out they were identical twins in the same sac and their cords were tangled. It was so hard not knowing why it happened, because all we could do was guess and quite honestly the guesses were pretty awful. Based on her measurements when I was 26 weeks, they thought that she had passed at around 22 weeks, but I am certain it had not been that long. My living daughter was very small for her gestational age, so I believe they both were small for their age. I was hospitalized from 26 weeks to 29 weeks, and every single day one of my biggest fears was how she was going to look. I had read everything that said it was "best" for the mother to see her baby, but it scared the heck out of me and I felt terrible that I wasn't sure I could do it. However, no one pressured me one way or the other. Of course, no one could give me any answers as to how she would look, either. I ended up delivering unexpectedly at 29 weeks, so I also had the health of my surviving twin to worry about. I'm not going to lie, it was a miserable day, week, month, emotionally. They did show me my deceased daughter briefly after she was delivered, and I know that my husband spent more time looking at her. It wasn't until the next day that I could wrap my mind around seeing her. They put us in a private room and brought her in wrapped in a blanket and dressed in a pretty little dress. It was difficult emotionally, but not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I did see her two more times before we were discharged - they brought her to our room and each time she had a new outfit on. I realized on our last night in the hospital that it would be the last time that we would all be together under one roof, and that made me sad. I really hope that your hospital has someone who handles situations like this and is experienced with the grief aspect - our hospital was so wonderful with how they handled the whole thing. It wasn't a great time, but at least it was dignified and respectful and caring. For example, I did ask that they put both of their footprints together on one page, and they did that. I also received every blanket and piece of clothing that she had, they made a special certificate for her, her identification band, other special things that they printed off, even a little scrapbook. It was really awesome how wonderful they treated all of us.
I am happy that I did see my daughter, and it was nice that I could actually see how much she resembled her sister (identicals). She was very small, 13 ounces, and not perfect, but still beautiful in her own way. Her image doesn't "haunt" me - I am able to think of her and how she looked and am okay with it. Looking at the pictures is still a little difficult, I must admit. Seeing her did not take away the happiness I felt for my surviving daughter. Maybe you can have a talk with the social worker or nurse who will be helping you and explain to her what you are feeling as far as seeing your daughter, and maybe they can give you a better idea of what to expect. You can tell them under what conditions you do or don't want to see her and then go from there.

The one thing that I gave myself "permission" to do was to be okay with whatever thoughts came in my head or however I was feeling. While I was in the hospital, I was strong during the day because I had distractions, but when I got to take my shower at night I just let loose with the tears and sobbing. I'm sure I must have drained their hot water tank because I stayed in there a LONG time. You are hardly in a state to have to control how you feel or what to say, and your mind and body knows what you need to do and think to get through this. I had thoughts come through my head that were embarrassing to me or worried me (like, why in the heck and I thinking that?), but I didn't let it bother me. I just couldn't. Your mind has to process this in the best way it can, so I think that means you just have to go with whatever comes along. So, please don't feel guilty or question your love or have any regrets. You are in survival/coping mode now - there is no way to know what is the right thing to do until the moment you have to do it, and even then, it only has to be right for you, no one else.
It is such a sad, awkward, scary place to be - compounded by the fact that other people don't know what to say or do either. Don't be surprised if your daughter is kind of lost in the shuffle of congratulations for your son. I am so glad you have made it to 34 weeks - that gives your son such an advantage right there.
I am coming up on the 2 year "anniversary" of our loss, so a lot of this is fresh in my mind again. I hope that I can help you in some way. Please PM if you need to talk or need anything. I am keeping you and your babies in my prayers.
Amy

[Adriana]

Just wanted to send you some hugs and prayers...

[Sugam]

My thoughts and prayers are with you... its such a difficult situation to be in... Im so sorry for the loss of your DD... hugs...

[KAMILI]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thought and prayers go out to you!!

[BC-MAV]

I am sorry for your loss. (((HUGS)))

[nicci]

I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to your family.

[jenmom2myboys]

First, I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand you feeling that you need to be strong for your Son but it is okay to let it out, you have been through a lot and those emotions will come out one way or another. I lost my older Son's twin but I was not nearly as far as along as you were. I didn't watch the us machine, I didn't want to see. You have to do what you feel comfortable with, don't do what you feel is expected. You are not a horrible Mother.

[Loopy Lou]

as you have said, this is such a bitter-sweet time. You want to celebrate the life growing inside you and mourn the sweet angel who lies beneath your heart at the same time.

I think that when the time comes you will know what to do... everyone is different, you will know at the time what is right for you.

know that my thought, love and prayers are with you and your family... I pray for a safe delivery of your healthy baby boy and eternal peace for your beautiful angel daughter.