My boys are gone...

[Auburngrad]

I posted this on the Infertility board, but wanted to copy it to this board as well. I haven’t visited the fertile thoughts website in a few months. I guess I have gotten side tracked by “life”.

DH and I completed our 2^nd IVF cycle back in July. In early August we found out that we had a BFP. At 8 wks (9/1), we heard 2 beautiful and strong heartbeats. At 14 wks (10/18) I was surprised to learn that both twins were boys! DH was overwhelmed with excitement. On 10/31 I flew to ffice:smarttags" />Maryland to be with DH for a few weeks. On 11/1 I was admitted to the hospital in Maryland for pre-term contractions. It was concluded that dehydration was to blame. I flew home to Mobile to learn that I also had bacterial vaginosis. This bacterial infection was severe and continued for over 2 weeks. On 11/18 I had a significant bleeding episode that lasted a few hours (passed an x-large clot). I was again admitted to the hospital; however, the on-call OB refused to come in to check me and sent me home with instructions to follow up with my OB on the following Monday. At the Monday OB visit (11/21) I learned that my boys had lost almost all of their amniotic fluid. Again, I was admitted to the hospital. After consistent IV fluids and 2 additional ultrasounds, my OB explained that she feared I had ruptured membranes and encouraged me to terminate my pregnancy at 19 ½ wks. After long discussion with DH and my family and hearing my children speak out to me through their strong heartbeats, I explained that I could not take their lives. My OB decided to transfer me to USA Children’s and Women’s Hospital (11/25) for specialized high risk treatment and care. What a wonderful facility… only a little too late. On December 3^rd I woke to intense contractions and dilation of 1 cm. Although I begged and my attending OB assured me at admission, no medication was given to stop the labor. I progressed rapidly with no pain medication and delivered Ethan Grant Morring at 4:24am (stillborn) and Noah Huston Morring at 5:13am. Noah maintained a heartbeat for a few minutes after birth. They were only 20 ½ weeks so the NICU would not intervene.

I have sifted through a multitude of unfamiliar emotions for almost a month now. Life hasn’t stopped for me, but it has maintained a very slow pace. I have truly felt betrayed by the God of my understanding and I have struggled with these basic “human” emotions. I know He understands and respects my feelings and respects my feelings and why I feel the way I do. I also know that He will continue to move me through this experience. I have no hope today that my body will ever experience another pregnancy, but I am praying that hope will return to me in time. I did have a great many friends and family who “showed up” for me and showered me with love and compassion. However, most of those people have moved on with their busy lives and I still mourn. I have begged God to allow me to grieve through this process quickly so that the pain will begin to subside. It appears that He is hearing my prayers.


I heard a song on the radio yesterday by Christian artist Natalie Grant. The song is entitled “Held” and it describes everything that I have been going through. Although I believed that God would rescue me from my nightmare and save my babies, this song helped me to remember that the Promise God made to me was that He would be with me after it all fell apart and hold me through the storm that I am now in. I felt so alone for so long. I am now learning to believe the truth and recognize that God has not left me alone in this. Although I really want to understand how this could have happened, I don’t think I ever will. Maybe I don’t need to.

I hate that some of you can relate to me completely, but I am thankful that God has carried you through so that maybe you can help me where I am. Thanks for listening.



Michele

[Athena]

I just recently received that Natalie Grant CD as a gift. I have listened to Held at least 20 times recently. It makes me feel so emotional. My son was 6 weeks old when he died (SIDS.)

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It just stinks.

[Jenn]

Michele,
Oh my heart is breaking for you. So much of what you wrote touched my heart as my daughter was born at 21wks. So perfect yet too little to survive. i am so sorry that you have had to experience this pain. I'm sorry i was away on vacation and didn't see this until now. But thankfully i saw that you've been told about the Loss of an Infant/Child bb and that you have posted. Unfortunately you are not alone in your grief and there are so many of us who understand all you are going through and WILL go through in the coming weeks/months. The pain never goes away-- it just becomes a part of us. Holding you and your sweet babies close in thought today.
Jenn

[LeslieT]

Oh my sweet Michele. I am so very, very sorry. I've experienced 3 losses myself and know just how heartwrenching they are. And my heart is breaking all over again hearing your story. It's is so unfair. Please grieve all you need, don't let anyone rush you into trying to put it behind you. Everyone needs to go through such heartbreak at their own pace. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[ToriaV1]

Michele,
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your little boys.

ToriaV1

[Momto2boys]

I am so very sorry. I know the words are inadequate, but please know that you and your precious boys are in my prayers. Why do these things happen???


Tracy

[robine]

Gentling offering to hold you in my prayers...

[Princess123456]

Michelle,
Hi I understand your situation very well. I lost my baby boy Christopher and baby girl Sarah on January 21, 2006. They were 22.4 weeks old. I love them so much and I will always love them and the time that i spent taking care of them. Like you they were concieved with ivf and we both know how difficult it was to go through all of that and to be in a position in which the nicu could do nothing for them. I hope that you know my heart is with you. Take care of yourself and feel free to talk to me anytime on this web site.
-Kris

[FiletMe]

Michelle -
I am so sorry for your loss., what a horrible rollercoaster ride you have been on. I admire your faith in this awful time - i am dealing with a loss right now and quite honestly, your words are inspirational to me. So, thank you, and God bless you.
Amy