BFN and trying to stay sane
by, 08-29-2011 at 01:12 PM (519 Views)
Well, it's official. I waited until 16 DPO to test (I'm surprised at how well I fought the urge to POAS every day for the past week drive in for my beta two days ago). I've been spotting really lightly for the past few days but wanted to get the final "you're definitely not preggo" answer before indulging in some wine this evening (guilt-free). I haven't had full flow yet, but the uterine cramping is in full gear and all of my BBS water retention and pain is gone, so I know that today should be my CD1. Things I have learned from this cycle:
1) When I have low expectations from the time of IUI (i.e. extremely low SA numbers) the 2ww is a lot less painful because I pretty much know that it didn't work already. It is also way easier NOT to test and obsess over symptoms in this situation.
2) I am a strong person.
3) I can be really b__chy to DH sometimes, particularly when my progesterone levels are dropping and the headaches are brutal. I need to work on taking a deep breath and leaving the room when he is being a stupid boy so that I don't over-react to minor annoyances in my hormotional fog.
4) I'm not a strong reactor to fertility meds and may just be wasting a truckload of money on meds that don't really do much for me. On my own I produce 1-2 eggs. On clomid I produce 1-2 eggs. On FSH and clomid I produce 1-2 eggs. Hmmm...
5) Even with low expectations I am still heartbroken and devastated that YET ANOTHER CYCLE FAILED, despite painstaking efforts to do everything right.
6) I've decided to tell people we AREN'T trying to have a family. I used to always answer nosy questions with "Well, we're trying" or "Babies come when they come" but after 3 years of this (and the follow up questions every time they see me or gossip that starts whenever I'm sick or wearing a large shirt) I've started to tell people that we've decided not to have children. I tell them I have enough wonderful children in my life and don't need any more, and that we're happy just as we are (I die a little inside when I say it, but I need to protect my heart).
7) Try as I might, I CANNOT cure myself of Baby Rabies. I tried reading essays on why not to have children. I tried watching the octo-mom reality shows to try to convince myself that parenting is shyte. Nothing works. I can't fight my biology. I just have to sit with it and learn to live with and through the hurt.
8) I need to find things to be grateful for every day so that I don't fall into a vat of negativity and start to drown. I have so much of the good and am only truly lacking one aspect of my dream life (sure, the only thing I can think about some days, but it is still only one piece of the puzzle that is my life).
I have one more cycle left with the same protocol then my RE says we need to move onto IVF. He was been working with us for exactly a year now, so he is likely as frustrated as we are with all of the failed IUIs. :c(