TSQUARE

I feel like I'm making this a bigger deal than it should be. Flip a coin. Something. I just hate indecision.

So my rheumatologist gave me TWO weeks to decide whether or not I will try for another baby.

Let's face it. Baby number one was a complete miracle. I'm not sure I can ask for another miracle from God. I mean, how many miracles are you allowed in one lifetime?

Financially, can we afford it? I so hate having to deal with the fact that insurance doesn't cover IF. I mean, what gives? WHY isn't this an illness like any other? WHY do financial hurdles have to play into my decision at all? It sucks.

Physically. I'm 41.5 years old. Do I even have one egg in there that's viable? I only had one embryo viable last time. Who's to say that my aged eggs will even give us one embryo? Even if I get pg, can I carry a baby to term?

Can I handle another child at my age? Can I handle another pregnancy? Two years ago I wasn't diagnosed with scleroderma. Is it irresponsible of me to try to get pregnant when the prognosis is 100% m/c?

Emotionally. I'm just not at the same place I was two years ago. I knew I could do anything and handle anything to be a mommy. But now that I'm a mommy, my attention is divided. I'm not sure I can risk my life to have another child.

Two weeks.

If I tell him I'm done, he puts me on aggressive medication to stop the spread of the disease. If not, we're looking at three years before starting treatment. There are no promises. The disease can take me at any moment. As a mommy, would I be irresponsible for not saving myself in order to get pg? K needs her mommy.

Crap.

DH would say that it's up to me. He wants more children, but I know he won't ask me to put myself through the physical tolls. I'm not sure my disease can handle a dose of hormones at this time. (Ha, lost almost all my hair last time! It's just growing back!)

I think I'm leaning towards the very real possibility that K will be an only child. Like me. I so wish I could clone her. She's so incredible. I wish she didn't have to grow up a lonely only like me.

Why did I start so late?

Talk about the clock ticking. It's so loud that my ears hurt.