http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/ Infertility and Adoption online interactive support community for your family-building efforts. Information and discussion includes infertility, adoption, pregnancy, parenting and surrogacy issues. en Wed, 22 May 2013 17:40:24 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/ http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/77007-things-happen-reason-what-bunch-bullsh-t.html Thu, 24 Nov 2011 18:19:56 GMT I thought I would update this blog ... it may very well be my last entry. Since I haven't written in forever, I will sum up things pretty quickly:

- Clomid/Repronex cycle never happened. My lining was too thin, plus DH was in a motorcycle accident days before retrieval. He broke a couple of ribs and was very bruised but was ok otherwise. I was terrified thinking that he was badly hurt or dead (before I knew all the details) and thought I could let all of this "baby stuff" go ... if only he were alright. Well, he was alright, but it turns out that letting that baby stuff go was very temporary.

- did Microdose Flare protocol in August, resulted in only one embie ... transferred it and prayed/hoped like crazy that this was IT since DH said this was our last attempt EVER

- BFP!!!!

- miscarriage at 9 weeks

- depression hits, off work for a month, DH very comforting and supportive but still does not want to try again. Says he agreed to one last try and he meant it.

So for a while, I thought my dream had come true. Then I once again, went into labor (a condensed and I'm sure less painful version than REAL labor, but labor nonetheless) and hours later delivered nothing but a sac at 9 weeks.

And so here we are ... I have had a couple of psychotherapy sessions with the fertility clinic therapist. DH came to one and she recommended marriage counseling as she said this was not her specialty. She's a lovely woman who wishes she could help, but she's a little out of her realm. So we see a marriage counselor in a couple of weeks. I sent him - our therapist - an email (I asked for a male therapist so DH wouldn't feel us women were ganging up on him) asking if he thought he could help us. This was his reply:

It sounds as though both you are your partner have been through a lot in terms of your efforts to have a child. This process can really create a lot of strain and activate a lot of distressing emotions in each partner and the couple relationship. There are so many emotions underlying each partners’ stance when one wants to continue with the process and the other wants to stop. How these emotions are managed can have an impact. It is important to sort through these emotions and clarify what underlies each position. This will be important as it will enable us to ascertain whether your partner’s shift is related to some type of deeper emotional response to the previous unsuccessful treatments or whatever else might be at the root of this change.
I can help you with this process.


I cried after I read it. Ultimately, I feel this guy is already "on my side" ... I know he hasn't said that and I know that it's his job to not take sides, but I felt good about it anyway. He gave me a good vibe. Of course if DH feels he is on my side, he'll be less likely to see him more than once.

Anyway, that's where we are at right now. I walk around with sadness running through my veins, I feel it in every part of my body. It is me.

DH brought up going away on vacation after Christmas ... like leave on the 28th or something like that and come back after New Years. I'm thinking about going because I know that I'll be ovulating that week. I think that's paints a pretty clear picture of where things are going, don't you? I can't stop obsessing about planning a pregnancy ... and he just wants to go away and put all of this stuff behind us.

I do think it's clear where we will end up. I am really just not ready to face it. I am not ready to attempt a life on my own. We're not ready to say goodbye. So if therapy helps us both feel like we're working toward something positive, then I guess we'll try it for a while. And none of us can predict the future, so I guess I don't really know where this will go. I do know that it's hard for me to picture happiness in my future. I think all of my happy moments are gone ... they have happened in my past and they are gone for good now. But I look back and smile ... I had many many happy moments in my life. DH was included in a lot of those moments. That's why it's hard to let that go.

And so I leave you ... maybe for good, I'm really not sure. But this is certainly not an infertility blog anymore. I've graduated to the "no baby and perhaps no relationship" kind of blog. The "no idea where to go from here" kind of blog. F*ck and I thought the infertility blog was bad. What I wouldn't give to be b*tching about IVF cycles right now. (don't get me wrong, that wasn't a walk in the freakin park either) But this "future looks empty and lonely" blog is downright dark and depressing. Brutal.

Maybe I'll update in a few months. If anything had changed, one way or another, maybe I'll post ... I am still open to miracles you know. So maybe this Christmas vacation will end up being the best vacation of my life. Maybe it will bring me my BFP. That's the best and the worst of IF, isn't it? I can never stop hoping ... ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/77007-things-happen-reason-what-bunch-bullsh-t.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76537-always-questioning.html Tue, 31 May 2011 17:32:57 GMT Well, it has certainly been a while since my last post, hasn't it? I really don't think I had anything to say. Nothing useful, nothing useless ... just nothing to say.

Nothing useful today either ... but just stuff I want to get off my chest I guess.

Here I am, gearing up for another IVF. After my next period, I'll be starting Clomid 100mg, CD2-6, than adding repronex 150 for 5 days. Low stim ... hoping for 4 follies. I'm too scared to go to ER with 3 or less since my last 2 attempts, they got 3 mature eggs but in the end I only had one poor quality embie to transfer.

And here is the stickler. If I see another BFN, I'm afraid that I will be leaving my DH. Every single day, I question whether we should still be together. You know the problems we have been having ... well the problems haven't gone anywhere. He just wants this last IVF behind us so that he won't ever have to hear the word "baby" again. I think he's in denial. I think that he actually thinks that if this IVF fails, that I will be able to move on with a child-free life. But I am coming to the realization that his 'happily ever after' scenario is never going to work for me. More and more, I am leaning toward leaving him and going it alone.

I have thought it out too. I would like to part ways as friends. I would not be leaving because I don't love him. I think that if he were on the same side of the fence as I was, we could be very happy together. We could have a good life. So I don't want to part on bad terms. I would even like to ask him to donate his sperm for my future baby. (of course, I highly doubt that he would agree to this. I'm pretty sure if he were in agreement with the sperm idea, he would want to stay together and be a family)

Then there is the money issue. One of the tough parts of going it alone would be financial. I'd have to find a house and pay my own mortgage and bills. As you all know, sharing these expenses is a lot easier than doing it all by yourself. On top of having to pay all of my own bills, I would have to pay for a DE or Dembie cycle too. More debt. So this decision is not and cannot be an easy one.

I just feel sick when I think of how hard this journey is ... how hard it has become. This is NOT how I pictured my life. I'm sure many of you can relate. But boy, never in a million years would I have thought that I would have to make these kinds of decisions. And so I continue to pray that this next cycle works. For the sake of my relationship ... for the sake of my sanity.

As I said, if BFN, I'm afraid that DH and I are in for a very long and quite likely heart-wrenching conversation. I've realized that my bitterness is too strong and too deep to just continue the way things are. Something HAS to change. I can only hope that after it does, DH and I are still standing, raising a family ..... together. ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76537-always-questioning.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76346-life-we-could-have-had.html Mon, 04 Apr 2011 17:37:04 GMT Despite my last post, where DH and I actually came to a mutual agreement on where to go from here, I find myself really really angry. I'm worried that this journey and how DH has handled it, has tainted my feelings for him for good.

He is focusing on moving forward, living life the way he wants to. He has decided that he is buying himself a motorcycle. For some reason, this makes me really really angry. I don't want him to buy a motorcycle. I think the main reason is simple. He will be getting what he wants. I will not. One of his reasons for not wanting children is how a child will change his life. He wants the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He was angry with IF treatments because he felt they were getting in the way of us living our lives. So now that he knows that treatments are almost behind us, (and he has no hope of this next IVF actually working) he's already moving forward and now buying a motorcycle. I'm mad because that's his symbol of freedom, of putting ttc'ing behind us. And I still don't have what I want.

I'm now afraid that whenever he is happy, I will be mad that he's happy. Make sense? I guess that's simple too ... I do resent him for not wanting what I want. Because if he did want what I want, we would be focusing on a DE cycle right now. So I can't stop thinking about the life we could have had. If only he wanted what I wanted.

Instead, he gets a motorcycle ... and I get nothing. (besides the fact that DH is a total computer geek, and I simply cannot picture him riding a motorcycle) These past few weeks I've realized that there is still a huge chasm between us ... that just because he agreed to do our last IVF does not mean that everything is ok between us. I'm not sure it ever will be ... I guess only time will tell.

But when a motorcycle makes me this angry, how will I react when he buys a boat? Or finishes the basement? (I'm just throwing these things out there. I'm really not sure what we would do with a boat!) I see him as celebrating a new-found freedom. I mourn ... and he celebrates.

Will we ever be on the same page again? Will we ever be truly happy again? Or will I always be thinking about the life we could have had? ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76346-life-we-could-have-had.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76304-one-last-shot.html Fri, 25 Mar 2011 17:30:20 GMT I'd like to start this post by thanking you all so much for your hugs, love, understanding, kind words and never-ending support. Each and every comment from my last post meant so much to me ... words really can't express how much.

Let me then say that many of you were right. The biggest reason behind DH's feelings was/is fear. He is scared of not loving his child ... he is scared that he won't like parenthood. And as he says it "we can't give it back" if parenthood doesn't work out. Long story short, DH didn't grow up in a very loving family. He didn't luck out like I did ... my definition of family was/is love. Unconditional love. DH's didn't involve love at all. So he's afraid that he may not have the ability to love his own child. How that must feel, I can only imagine.

We went to one counseling session, where a lot of these fears came out. DH says he would look around the waiting room of our clinic and see other husbands, eager to support their wife, looking forward to what the cycle may bring. He felt none of this and thought he was 'abnormal'. The therapist assured him that there are many husbands who feel the same way as he does. She sees them in her office. Her explanation went something like this. Women are born wanting children. Our need to procreate is hormonal and embedded in us. Men grow up 'accepting' the fact that they will likely have children some day. But not many feel as strongly as women do about having kids.

Another really important point she made ... she likens deciding to have children to jumping off a cliff. Husband and wife: "Do you want to?" "I think so ... do you?" "ok, let's do it". Then one night, they have a few glasses of wine, have sex and weeks later find out they are pregnant. The reality of what is to come is sometimes scary and daunting, but the couple feels "well, we will take it as it comes" and of course everything works out. We, DH and I, have had YEARS to THINK about the pros and cons of having children. And while the cons do not scare me (though I know they are there ... I'm not blind to how difficult parenthood can be) they are terrifying to DH. Because he has had YEARS to think about how a child will change our lives. The fertile couple does not.

And so one night I talked to DH. I agreed to no more IVF's ... but since he had agreed to trying naturally, I asked if he would consider a few IUI's. I know a clinic is still involved, but the process is more natural than IVF ... if he's stuck on the word natural. I had to ask, because I'm not ready to give up ... and what did I have to lose in asking? Our relationship was already on the rocks. He surprised me by saying no to the IUI's but yes to our last IVF. He said he will be on board with this last IVF, but that's it ... no more clinic, no more talk of adoption or DE. I agreed to the no more clinic, but I told him I couldn't promise the latter. I said if in a year or two, I still feel the way I do now, I will have to bring up DE or adoption. Because how I feel now is I want to be a Mom no matter what. But I don't know how I will feel a year from now. And DH doesn't know how he will feel a year from now. So we'll table the adoption/DE discussion for now. That's all I could promise him.

He said he was worried about me ... about how I will feel if this last IVF doesn't work. He said "will you hate me?" (for putting a stop to treatments) I said I can't hate you for how you feel. I said "will you hate me if this last IVF DOES work?" He said he can't hate me because he's agreeing to this. Then he said "I just really hope that I like being a Dad". I just think it's really sad that he feels that way. And of course I hope and pray that this last IVF works and that DH loves our child and that he doesn't ever regret this decision or resent me for all of this.

And so I will cycle again. I'm not sure when. I started seeing a massage therapist who is working on increasing blood flow to my pelvis. I'm also seeing a nutritionist who has given me a fertility 'protocol' which includes a total body cleanse*. DH is actually doing that one with me. I never would have thought in a million years that he would do something like that, but what can I say? He's surprised me a lot lately. :) I'm also increasing good fats in my body (I hate fish, so this was difficult for me ... I'm now on liquid omega 3 for best absorption which doesn't taste fishy at all, thank God) increasing magnesium and of course increasing greens. I wasn't a terrible eater before, but I do think I'm on a better track now.

DH also agreed that if I don't get a good response to meds, I will cancel the cycle. I'm only going through with it if we get 4 or more follies growing. (that's what I say now ... I may have to settle for 2 or 3 if that's all I can manage) But the protocol will definitely be low-stim.

So go figure ... my last post was downright depressing and terrifying. Things have definitely changed for the better for which I am so thankful. I know that my journey is not over yet ... and maybe it never will be over until I hold my baby in my arms. But for now, DH and I are working on our relationship ... the big elephant in the room has shrunk considerably. It's tiny now and hiding quietly ... but still there. I'm just thankful for it's new size. :)

It is funny how things can change so quickly ... but truthfully it didn't seem quick at the time. It felt as though happiness no longer existed in my world and would never exist again. But with the help of a therapist ... and with the help of all of you ... I do have happiness in my life again. And hope to have even more in the very near future. Many of you shared your own experiences which were eerily similar to mine. This helped me understand ... it helped me say the right things to DH ... it helped me realize that there was still a chance that this wasn't "the end".

I know this isn't over ... and I suspect many more bumps in my road before it is over. So it's very likely that I will need more love and support from all of you before you know it. :) But let me tell you how reassuring it is to know you are all here. Thank you all so very much. :grouphug:

It's hard for me to believe, but here I am ... still in the game ... and I am so very very thankful for this one last shot.

*total body cleanse ... sounds so ominous! But it's just drops that we add to our water ... we drink this for 30 days. I'm not sure it will help cleanse toxins from our bodies or if it's all BS, but I figure there is certainly nothing to lose! ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76304-one-last-shot.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76139-end.html Fri, 18 Feb 2011 15:05:21 GMT I feel like I'm writing the last chapter of my ttc journey. And this is literally the end for me.

Last night, I had an unplanned talk with DH. It started about money and how DH is happy that our debts will soon be paid off to the clinic ...

DH - "I'm glad that's the last of the money we'll be spending there".
And I'm thinking "Well, we might not be spending as MUCH as we have in the past, but IUI's still cost money".

Instead, I said "You sound so happy that our ttc'ing is almost over ... and I'm devastated for the very same reason".

That opened up this can of worms.

DH - "The more I think about it, the more I don't want this. Every cycle, I feel more and more sick, thinking that it might actually work. It doesn't feel right to me ... this is not what I want"

And so we talked, while the tears literally streamed down my face. The bottom line? He wants to spend the rest of his life with ME. Just me. Him and I, taking care of each other. I told him I didn't think that was enough for me, that I don't think I can ever truly be happy without a baby.

He said he was hoping that I would eventually just give up, but that it didn't look like that was happening. He WANTS me to just give up.

Just hearing him say how he feels sick thinking that we COULD get pg, I thought "what the h*ll are we doing here?" Every day of my life is spent fighting for our baby and at the same time, DH is cringing at the thought that we could actually have a baby. I mean, how could two people love each other and be at such different ends of the spectrum?

So I didn't sleep a wink ... my eyes are puffy, my head is aching, my stomach feels sick and my heart is broken into a million pieces.

There are three times in my life that I can think of where I thought I would die, my heart hurt so much.

1) when my Dad died
2) when I miscarried
3) last night's conversation with DH

I realized that there is nothing we can do. He won't change his mind ... he can't change his mind. He wants what he wants. And I fear I will always resent him for shutting this door. Because I want what I want.

He agreed to counseling, but said "who's mind will the counselor try to change?" and he's got a point. I'm not sure counseling can really help us. It seems like there are only two options.

1) I accept living child-free and try to find happiness, just the two of us

2) I leave DH to pursue a different path to motherhood

I choose neither. I want a baby, yes. But I want DH's baby. I want a family. But I want DH to be part of that family.

So I don't know where that leaves me. I am a mess. I don't feel I truly belong anywhere. I had a home here on FT for a very long time and met wonderful women who I consider friends. But these friends have either become mothers, are planning their next cycles or perhaps looking at their alternative paths to parenthood.

But me, I no longer have any of that. DH doesn't even want to do the IVF cycle at our clinic that we have already paid for. So where do I belong? Is there a group for people who can't have a baby because their partner hates the thought? A group for people who have sh*tty eggs and sh*tty odds, but are no longer in the game because their partner feels sick at the thought of becoming a Dad?

I've never felt more alone.

I feel like this is the day that I dreaded for all these years.

I feel like this is the end. ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76139-end.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76122-twinkle-twinkle-little-star.html Fri, 11 Feb 2011 21:36:00 GMT I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight

Yup, I've resorted to wishing on a f*&#%#ing star.

It is really really hard to face a childless future. It is really really hard to admit that I might not ever have a baby. Really d*mn hard.

For those who don't know (but I think it's quite obvious at this point in this post) my last cycle was BFN.

What can I say that I haven't already said in many of my previous posts? All signs are pointing to the fact that I have crappy eggs. Part of me does wonder about DH's sperm too. Morphology isn't great, so is it possible that some of my eggs don't fertilize because of his guys and not my gals? Hey, I'm allowed to grasp at straws. This is how I cope.

I also wonder about our lab. Why is it some labs have in-vitro maturation and some don't? I do hear about immature eggs successfully fertilizing if they use IVM. Why doesn't my lab have this option? I don't know ... I'm obviously still not wanting to lay all the blame on my eggs. It's funny, after all these years and all of my failed cycles, I never once blamed or resented my ovaries. Until now. And I don't want to hate my ovaries, I want to love them. They are the only ones I have, after all.

So here's my new plan:
March 1st - see RE to come up with protocol for next IVF, which will almost certainly be MDL (Microdose Lupron) since it's pretty much the only one we haven't tried. I won't be using my last IVF until May, since I need a bit of a break. Plus my sister and I are going to Mexico in April and I refuse to let IF interfere with that vacation in any way.

In the meantime though, I'm thinking I want to use Femara after my next AF, just to see how my body reacts to it. As kind of an experiment. On Clomid, I always grew 2 or 3 follies, but had wicked migraines and hot flashes. I hear Femara has less side effects. If I respond well, (2 or 3 follies is my version of well) then I will likely do a few IUI's if my last IVF does not work.

Then there is mini-IVF or natural cycle IVF. Again, my experiment with Femara will give me an idea of my response to see if I can use the Femara for a mini-IVF. Why throw a bunch of high dose meds at me for 2 or 3 follies? No more of that ... I will not go high stim again.

So that is that. I have a plan. I do not feel good about it. I no longer believe that I will become pregnant, that I will have a baby. I no longer have hope that this will end positively.

But I can't call it quits just yet. Soon, but not yet.

I guess if I'm wishing on a star, there must be a small part of me, somewhere deep down inside that thinks my wish might come true.

Either that or I've completely lost it and the next thing I'll be doing is writing to Santa. ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76122-twinkle-twinkle-little-star.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76085-looking-ahead.html Thu, 27 Jan 2011 20:15:55 GMT At times like this, when I am waiting for the 2ww to be over, and I am terrified that it is going to end badly, I can't help but look ahead to a bleak future.

I am not quite done ttc, but I can see the end in sight. As many people know, my DH has taken DE, Dembie and adoption off of the table for us. He just does not want a child 'that badly'. So it's our genetics or it's nothing. But my eggs are proving that this is near impossible. My AFC is normal ... some months it even rocks. But only 2 or 3 follies will grow, no matter what dose of drug I am on ... and out of those 2 or 3, I'm lucky to have one 'average' embryo to put back. Those are some slim pickings, that's for sure.

And so I feel I am getting a sneak peek at a childless future and trying to figure out how I will deal with that. To me, I see nothing but emptiness, bitterness, sadness and anger. I can't imagine enjoying myself for more than sporadic moments ... and these will be rare, surrounded by endless empty and painful hours, days, weeks .....

I am 38 years old and feel I have aged 10 years in the last 4. Why do I feel like all of my good years are behind me?

If this current IVF doesn't work, I have one more 'in the bank' so to speak. After my first failed IVF, I bought a discount package. Buy two, get the third one free. My third one is sitting there taunting me. I'm convinced that this one has failed and so will my next. I mean really, when you're looking at 3 completed IVF cycles and only 4 embryos survived to be transferred, what are the odds that we can find THE one? If I had 10, 20 or even 30 eggs to choose from, maybe then the odds would be more in my favor, but 4? And we know 3 out of the 4 were duds, so what are the odds that this last one will stick?

I am just getting more and more terrified that this journey will soon be over for me, but not because I am choosing it to be, but because DH is. Questions swirl through my head ... will I resent him forever? If I left him, would I find someone else who makes me laugh as much as he does? Would I find someone who challenges me intellectually like he does? I have just always thought that he was the one for me, that we were meant to be together. But boy, are we at opposite ends on this one. I think he is actually looking forward to the day that we're done. He wants to concentrate on other things like traveling, renovating, buying a motorcycle or a boat .... he thinks about retirement and how much sooner we can get there if we don't have kids. I think that I will be able to enjoy none of these things, that these things mean nothing if I can't have a family of my own to share these things with.

The fact is, ever since we started ttc, very little has given me any sort of pleasure or enjoyment. The last 4 years of my life have revolved around timed intercourse, clinic appts, medications, injections, ultrasounds, blood tests, negative pregnancy tests and a lot of heartbreak. (I know many of you can relate) The happy moments I can count on one hand. The times I spend with my family (me and DH, my sister and her husband and my mom) and the very few short weeks when I was pregnant. Oh wait, when we were in Mexico last year, I actually enjoyed myself for one week. When we got home and the reality of IF came crashing in on me, I wasn't sure the brief break from reality was actually worth it. (we had gotten on the plane to Mexico about 3 days after my first IVF BFN)

So I ask myself, can a future without kids be as bad as the last 4 years? Maybe not. But maybe. Taking up a new hobby does not interest me. Learning a new skill does not interest me. Making an effort to be happy does not interest me. If one can't find real happiness in life, what does one do? Find fake happiness? Maybe in a bottle of wine. Or a pain medication addiction. (I'm not really serious about that ... I don't think. Well .... maybe I am serious about the wine.)

I didn't originally intend on this post being so long, but here we are. I sit here at 6dp2dt and wonder what my life will be like if this IVF fails. I just shoved another bag of dill pickle chips down my throat (not the really good ones, but the baked ones, but still pretty d*mn good) and wondering if I'm going to make another trip to the vending machine for bag #2. Am I eating junk food because of worry and stress? This is not pointing in a very good direction. One thing I'm almost certain of, if I have to live a child-free life ... I am going to get very, very fat. ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76085-looking-ahead.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76081-5dp2dt.html Wed, 26 Jan 2011 20:50:06 GMT And so I try to ignore the fact that I am almost half-way through my 2ww. I pretend that I'm not counting the days, I tell myself that I am ignoring symptoms or lack thereof, I remind myself that prometrium will give me pg symptoms and it is way too early to even be considered pg.

**sigh**

None of it works.

Beta is next Friday and today I realized that I will NEVER make it to Friday. I poas today to make sure trigger was gone ... and if I'm testing out the trigger, then I have to admit that I will be poas before beta. (trigger is not gone yet btw, but I figured as much)

So if my little one is going to stick around, it is possible that implantation has begun. But impossible for pg symptoms. So the heartburn I have had all day is likely from the coffee, bacon and eggs I had this morning for breakfast. And the fact that all I want to do all day long is eat could be from the meds that I have pumped into my body. (I really hope that's it cause if I keep eating like this, I can see myself 20 pounds heavier by next month) And the cramping is definitely from the progesterone because I've been cramping since ER.

I hate the 2ww. I really really hate it. And yet, it's the one time when I can actually hope that I'm pregnant. The one time I can actually think that I might be. Because they DID put an embryo in my uterus. And it's just a matter of luck now. Will I be one of the lucky women who get a BFP after multiple failed IVF's? God, I hope so.

This can only end one of two ways, right? I am or I'm not. I'm done with treatments or I do one more IVF. I'm on cloud 9 (with a whole new boatload of worries, I'm aware of that) or I'm completely devastated. One of two ways ... and only time will tell which way this one is going.

I think I'm now off to the vending machine to buy my SECOND bag of dill pickle chips. No, I am not craving dill pickles ... just the chips. And I know it's not because I'm pregnant ... but just because really, who doesn't love chips? ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76081-5dp2dt.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76067-waiting-transfer.html Thu, 20 Jan 2011 14:58:55 GMT Yesterday was my ER. They actually retrieved 7 eggs. Can you believe that? I can. Because it felt like the RE went digging in my ovaries for eggs that weren't even there. Ouch. I wasn't overly excited with 7 because my E2 level predicted only 3 mature eggs. And the phone call I got just confirmed it. 3 mature eggs ... only 1 fertilized.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy with one to transfer. But I also cried because that means I was one embryo away from cancellation. One embryo away from nothing.

I think I'm just jealous. It seems that everyone else who goes to retrieval with 3 eggs ends up with 3 embryos. Or at least 2 out of 3. It's not like I needed another reminder as to how sh*tty my eggs are, but that's exactly what this is. I do realize how lucky I am to have one. But when you only have one, your odds are just that much lower. I'm just totally feeling sorry for myself. I know that IOTO. And I am blessed to have one. But I can't help it. All I can think of is that I put myself through weeks and weeks of bullsh*t and end up with one embryo. Of course if this embryo is THE embryo, then it will all be worth it. But what are the odds that this embryo is THE embryo? I'm a common sense type of gal. And I realize that the odds are NOT in my favor.

I will try to do this one step at a time. One day at a time. Today, I have one embryo. Tomorrow, they will transfer my embryo back to its Mom. All I can do is hope and pray that my embryo is healthy enough to stick around ... for the rest of my life.

Right now, I'm going to pour myself another cup of coffee. And then I'm going to add a big shot of Baileys. Why the h*ll not? ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76067-waiting-transfer.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76056-trigger-day-thank-god.html Mon, 17 Jan 2011 15:48:09 GMT For the past 2 days, I hoped and prayed that my two smaller follies would catch up to Moby. I talked to my follies, I injected my stims into "that side" of my belly, and then more hoping and praying. (my two smaller ones were on my right ovary ... and no, I don't actually believe that injecting into the right side of my belly would target the right ovary, but hey, there are an awful lot of straws that I grasp at when I'm feeling down and out)

Today, my prayers were answered. Moby is 20.5 and my other two are 19 and 18. Hallelujah!! Whew!!! From being sad and depressed and crying over the fact that I had 3 to celebrating and feeling ever so grateful for the fact that I have 3. Perspective.

I trigger tonight and then obviously my prayers will continue. I am praying for 3 mature eggs, 3 fertilized embryos, and at least 1 perfectly perfect embie that will become our baby. But yes, one step at a time.

This time, I will be taking 3 days off work. The day of retrieval, the day after and transfer day. (we are doing a day 2 transfer ... part of the study protocol) I usually only take retrieval day, back to work the next day and then another day off for transfer day. But I just want a few days of no stress ... give my embie(s) the best chance possible to relax and settle in. Stress-free mommy means stress-free uterine environment ... hopefully. And since transfer is on a Friday, I have the weekend to then do more relaxing and de-stressing.

Can you see the hope in my post? I am already planning my transfer day. If I'm going to hope, I'm going to go all in ... :pray:pray:pray ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76056-trigger-day-thank-god.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76044-check-2-bad-worse.html Sat, 15 Jan 2011 18:43:17 GMT After my last check, I tried to focus on the upside ... I have 3 follies. That is better than one and still better than two. (I rocked at math) Today, we found that one of my follies has grown significantly in the last two days and may now be the only one in the running. From 3 to 1 ... again,... After my last check, I tried to focus on the upside ... I have 3 follies. That is better than one and still better than two. (I rocked at math) Today, we found that one of my follies has grown significantly in the last two days and may now be the only one in the running. From 3 to 1 ... again, because of my kickass math skills, I've determined that this is not good news. A while back, one of the other girls on my regular thread had one big sucker and two smaller ones and she and her RE called the biggie Moby D*ick. And so today, I thought to myself "I've got a Moby". F*&$#!*#&ing Moby. After only 6 days of stims, my Moby is 17mm, almost ready to trigger. My other two are 13. (stimming way to quickly IMHO) The clinic wanted me back tomorrow for more b/w and another u/s. I declined. If I go tomorrow, I know Moby will be big enough that they will ask me to trigger. and I don't want to trigger until my other 2 have caught up. Or I at least want to give them a chance to catch up. My clinic always gives instructions to trigger as soon as your biggest follie is 18mm, so I know what would happen if I go for another check tomorrow. And so I am taking a chance that Moby might be too mature by Monday, but that is the chance I am willing to take for my other two. Two more nights of stims, and then I go in Monday for my last check. Guaranteed that Monday will be trigger day. Unless of course Moby is too big and my others haven't grown. If that's the case, I will be canceling this cycle altogether and this whole growth hormone protocol will be a complete bust. That is why I cried today I think. It feels like I went through all of this for nothing ... I am willing to do just about anything for a baby. But to go through all of it and then have one of my worst cycles EVER? I now cry with every injection my belly hurts so much. A lot of the tears are for the pain in my heart thought ... maybe not so much my belly. Facing only 3 follies was bad enough, but I guess this is teaching me that no matter how bad you think things are, they can always get worse. Today's appt proved that.

Two days ago, I cried because I only have 3 follies. Today, I hope and pray and beg and plead and pray pray pray for 3 follies. Funny how things can change in such a short period of time. ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76044-check-2-bad-worse.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76029-ivf-5-check-1.html Thu, 13 Jan 2011 15:47:24 GMT So what does 5 weeks of growth hormone, 4 nights of max dose stims, MULTIPLE annoying and painful side effects and many many prayers get you?

3 follicles.

That's right, 3. That is not a typo. And so once again, I sit crying in the clinic. So discouraged and frustrated, scared and hurt. Discouraged and frustrated because it seems as though I have been putting myself through hell (or a mild version of it) for nothing ... scared and hurt because if growth hormone can't help me, then nothing can and the end of my road is creeping up a lot sooner than I had hoped. I am just not ready (are we ever ready?) to admit that I will not have a baby. I am not ready to hate my body for failing me.

The upside? I have 3 measurable follicles (between 9 - 12) and another 9, too small to get on the ride.
The downside? I have 3 follicles and those that are too small will stay that way. This I know from past experience. Whatever I have growing at this point is it. No more. The other follicles will sit there, looking lost and hopeless, never quite grasping what they are supposed to do.

The research nurse had to sit while I cried and listen to my disappointment and negativity .. and she did this with kindness. She said that I could be sad, but that she's a glass half-full kind of lady and she will be thinking that one of these follicles contains THE egg. And of course I hope that too ... because that is the only hope I have left at this point. What else is there?

I'm just feel like there is a great big neon sign in front of me ... it's flashing these words
"What are you an idiot? Give up ... you will never get pregnant"

I've tried to ignore that sign for a long time now. But that's getting harder and harder to do.

My side effects from the HGH are getting better and I am thankful for that. My swelling has significantly decreased, my joints feel better, and I think the tremor is gone. (I forgot to mention this one on my original list) Today, I found out why I was experiencing tremor ... and why I occasionally felt like my heart rate was higher than my norm. My TSH was drawn a week ago ... and at that time, it was 0.2 which means my thyroid is in overdrive. (which explains the severe insomnia too) Weird because I've gained weight over the past few weeks but maybe that's too many Christmas cookies and chocolates. Hyperthyroidism means I should be losing weight. Anyhow, the research doctor said I was worrying her so they drew more blood today to check T3 and T4 levels. To me, I think it's a waste of time. I'm only on the HGH for about 6 more days, so why stop now?

All that is to say I have willingly gone through everything I have gone through and would go through a lot more if it would mean success. A BFP. Increasing betas. Heartbeat on an u/s. And a baby in my arms. The whole shebang. But I'm really starting to wonder if all of this was in vain.

Regardless, I will continue with my stims and my HGH. And I will continue to hope and pray ... hope and pray for a better check on Saturday ... hope and pray that I make it to retrieval ... hope and pray that I make it to transfer ... hope and pray for the whole shebang.

What else can I do? ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76029-ivf-5-check-1.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76021-ivf-attempt-5-starts.html Mon, 10 Jan 2011 15:54:05 GMT Well, I've been on Human Growth Hormone (HGH) for a month now. And it hasn't exactly been very nice to me. About 2 weeks into the injections, I started experiencing a few side effects.

1) my hands are swollen every morning ... it will get a lot better as the day goes on, but for at least 4 hours, my fingers look like sausages and there's no way I can get my ring off. It will hardly budge at all.

2) then there's the eye swelling. Again, worse in the morning, but my eyelids are almost folded right over my eyes. Not attractive and makes me look like I haven't slept in weeks.

3) insomnia. I suffer from this regularly, but for about a week to 10 days, it was BRUTAL. I was rarely even dreaming during that time ... rarely hitting stage 2 sleep, never mind stage 3 or 4. But sleep is now much better ... back to my norm. Which isn't great, I wake often throughout the night, but am usually able to get back to sleep. And dreaming regularly again. My dreams are usually pretty odd and interesting so happy they're back.

4) joint pain. This should have been listed as #1 actually, since it is the most bothersome. It started in my hips and shoulders and is now present in my knees, ankles and back. I feel like I'm 80 with a mild case of arthritis in every joint. (I say mild because I can only imagine that arthritis can get much much worse than this) It's most painful when I have to move. I mean, lying or sitting, I don't know I have sore joints. But when I get up, then I really know it. Or if I have to lift my arm up for any reason, like I have to scratch my back ... ouch.

And so of course I am willing to go through all of this and more if it gets me to the prize at the end of this game.

I got AF on Friday night, so CD1 was Saturday. I started stims last night. Gonal-F is 412.5 units. Luveris 150 units. (so two separate injections) Plus my HGH. So I'm at 4 injections per night and when we add the Certrotide, that will make it 5. I'm not complaining. OK, maybe I am a bit. My belly is SORE. It's a challenge to find a spot that isn't sore. I just poke around with my finger until I hit a spot that doesn't hurt. Takes a while sometimes. I'm not new to this game, but definitely getting tired of it. I'm closer to that time when one knows that it's the end of the road. I didn't think I would ever feel 'done'. But I can feel that feeling getting closer. Let's hope that this is the last cycle I will need!

First check is Thursday. I'm hoping for a handful of follies, not too big, not too small. :pray ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/76021-ivf-attempt-5-starts.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/75991-memories.html Mon, 20 Dec 2010 17:23:07 GMT Though Christmas is usually one of my favorite times of the year, I'm finding it hard to find my Christmas spirit.

**loss mentioned ... language may be unsuitable for some readers due to it's graphic nature**

Last year at this time, I was 12 weeks pregnant. However, we knew a miscarriage was inevitable because the baby had stopped growing around 7-8 weeks. The heart was still beating, but the baby was not growing. DH and I had his nephew over for the holidays and I just KNEW that the miscarriage would happen at the most inconvenient time. (well really, is there ever a convenient time to miscarry?) Christmas day was bittersweet. I wanted to be sharing my good news with my family ... instead, I was walking around waiting for my body to reject what would never be my baby. We got through the day, sleeping over at my Mom's. The next day, it started. I started bleeding and I was actually thinking "this isnt' so bad". Then the cramps started. I said to DH "let's go home ... I want to be home when this happens". We drove home, only to find out we had no power. Now the cramps are picking up in severity and I do NOT want to get back in the car and drive back to Mom's. But how can I stay in the house with no power? I need to be able to flush the toilet. Oh yah, have I mentioned DH's nephew is with us this whole time? Now, he's an adult, but still ... how awkward. So as I'm struggling with the pain, occasionally moaning out loud and making another trip to the bathroom, the power comes back on. Thank God for small miracles. (am I thanking God for actually turning our lights back on while I miscarry my baby? Yup, I actually am) Then the pain really kicked it up a notch. I suspect this is kind of what labour feels like. this goes on for a few hours, then all of a sudden, the pain is gone. It's like it never existed. Then I 'feel' something strange. Off I go to the bathroom again. And then I really start bleeding. So much so there was a trail from the bathroom door to the toilet. And then there it was. My baby. Why didn't somebody tell me it would be like this? Why didn't somebody tell me I would be delivering a sac? I don't know what I expected exactly, but it wasn't this. I think I just expected a lot of bleeding and maybe a bit of tissue. But THIS ... I didn't expect this. DH comes into the bathroom and helps me clean everything. He keeps looking at me ... I think he's wondering if I have lost my mind through all of this. I assure him that I'm ok ... as ok as expected. So now I'm angry that I had no clue what was going to happen. And I'm sad that this could not be our baby. And I'm relieved ... because we knew this miscarriage was coming for about 6 weeks. We knew and I had grieved and I was now relieved. And I was so sure that I would be pregnant again, that this one wasn't meant to be ours, but that we would be pregnant again soon with the one that was.

Fast forward to a year later. I still have an empty womb. It's been empty since last year's miscarriage. So has my heart.

I try to focus on the fact that we are not done trying yet. I am currently taking Human Growth Hormone injections to prepare for my next IVF in January. We are not done yet. But we are one year older. My eggs are one year older. And time just keeps rolling along. And my body and my heart still ACHE for that baby.

So Christmas this year is bittersweet again. I have my family, my DH, my cat. All things in my life that I love so much. But I still ache and yearn for the baby that is supposed to be ours. And I know that this Christmas, that is the one gift, the one I want most in this world, that I won't be getting.

I hope that I can say something different next year. ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/75991-memories.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/75897-new-plan.html Fri, 12 Nov 2010 19:10:46 GMT So my RE called me yesterday. We had a lengthy conversation about what we're going to do next. He made me an intriguing offer. They have a research study that they are recruiting for. The main criteria is you have to be a poor responder. And I have that T-Shirt. Sing it out, loud and strong.

The study involved Saizen, which is human growth hormone (HGH). I know some people have used this for IVF, but I think it's typically started at the same time as stims. We're actually going to start it one month before stims. So I would start injections with my next AF. Take it for a month, slap on estrogen patch a week before AF, then start stims (continuing with regular EPP) with HGH until retrieval. Intriguing. Will it help? Maybe. Can my response be much worse than the past? Not really. The only real bummer is that I have a 25% chance of getting placebo. Pullllleeeeeeezzzzee don't let me be in the placebo group!!! I am really curious as to what this HGH will do for my embryo quantity and quality.

My other option - he said if I wanted to try Microdose Flare protocol instead, with 2 weeks of BCP's prior to starting lupron (they normally use 3 weeks of BCP's, but if I follow this norm, I wouldn't be able to start stims before Christmas cut-off) then he would write those orders. So if I went this way, I would have to start ASAP. As in yesterday. So he would have to rush and write some orders, I would have to rush to the pharmacy and rush to get things started. So I told him I didn't want to do the rushing thing. Rushing and stressing has been the norm for my past cycles. I'm trying something different.

So if anybody has any HGH experiences, whether they be good or bad, please share. I am very curious, though I don't think bad experiences will sway my decision. Bring on the HGH!! (no placebo, no placebo, no placebo ....) And hey, if in the end I can bench press a few more pounds, that's just a bonus. :) ]]> tiredofBFN http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/tiredofbfn/75897-new-plan.html