Walking Through The Darkness

I'd like to start this post by thanking you all so much for your hugs, love, understanding, kind words and never-ending support. Each and every comment from my last post meant so much to me ... words really can't express how much.

Let me then say that many of you were right. The biggest reason behind DH's feelings was/is fear. He is scared of not loving his child ... he is scared that he won't like parenthood. And as he says it "we can't give it back" if parenthood doesn't work out. Long story short, DH didn't grow up in a very loving family. He didn't luck out like I did ... my definition of family was/is love. Unconditional love. DH's didn't involve love at all. So he's afraid that he may not have the ability to love his own child. How that must feel, I can only imagine.

We went to one counseling session, where a lot of these fears came out. DH says he would look around the waiting room of our clinic and see other husbands, eager to support their wife, looking forward to what the cycle may bring. He felt none of this and thought he was 'abnormal'. The therapist assured him that there are many husbands who feel the same way as he does. She sees them in her office. Her explanation went something like this. Women are born wanting children. Our need to procreate is hormonal and embedded in us. Men grow up 'accepting' the fact that they will likely have children some day. But not many feel as strongly as women do about having kids.

Another really important point she made ... she likens deciding to have children to jumping off a cliff. Husband and wife: "Do you want to?" "I think so ... do you?" "ok, let's do it". Then one night, they have a few glasses of wine, have sex and weeks later find out they are pregnant. The reality of what is to come is sometimes scary and daunting, but the couple feels "well, we will take it as it comes" and of course everything works out. We, DH and I, have had YEARS to THINK about the pros and cons of having children. And while the cons do not scare me (though I know they are there ... I'm not blind to how difficult parenthood can be) they are terrifying to DH. Because he has had YEARS to think about how a child will change our lives. The fertile couple does not.

And so one night I talked to DH. I agreed to no more IVF's ... but since he had agreed to trying naturally, I asked if he would consider a few IUI's. I know a clinic is still involved, but the process is more natural than IVF ... if he's stuck on the word natural. I had to ask, because I'm not ready to give up ... and what did I have to lose in asking? Our relationship was already on the rocks. He surprised me by saying no to the IUI's but yes to our last IVF. He said he will be on board with this last IVF, but that's it ... no more clinic, no more talk of adoption or DE. I agreed to the no more clinic, but I told him I couldn't promise the latter. I said if in a year or two, I still feel the way I do now, I will have to bring up DE or adoption. Because how I feel now is I want to be a Mom no matter what. But I don't know how I will feel a year from now. And DH doesn't know how he will feel a year from now. So we'll table the adoption/DE discussion for now. That's all I could promise him.

He said he was worried about me ... about how I will feel if this last IVF doesn't work. He said "will you hate me?" (for putting a stop to treatments) I said I can't hate you for how you feel. I said "will you hate me if this last IVF DOES work?" He said he can't hate me because he's agreeing to this. Then he said "I just really hope that I like being a Dad". I just think it's really sad that he feels that way. And of course I hope and pray that this last IVF works and that DH loves our child and that he doesn't ever regret this decision or resent me for all of this.

And so I will cycle again. I'm not sure when. I started seeing a massage therapist who is working on increasing blood flow to my pelvis. I'm also seeing a nutritionist who has given me a fertility 'protocol' which includes a total body cleanse*. DH is actually doing that one with me. I never would have thought in a million years that he would do something like that, but what can I say? He's surprised me a lot lately. I'm also increasing good fats in my body (I hate fish, so this was difficult for me ... I'm now on liquid omega 3 for best absorption which doesn't taste fishy at all, thank God) increasing magnesium and of course increasing greens. I wasn't a terrible eater before, but I do think I'm on a better track now.

DH also agreed that if I don't get a good response to meds, I will cancel the cycle. I'm only going through with it if we get 4 or more follies growing. (that's what I say now ... I may have to settle for 2 or 3 if that's all I can manage) But the protocol will definitely be low-stim.

So go figure ... my last post was downright depressing and terrifying. Things have definitely changed for the better for which I am so thankful. I know that my journey is not over yet ... and maybe it never will be over until I hold my baby in my arms. But for now, DH and I are working on our relationship ... the big elephant in the room has shrunk considerably. It's tiny now and hiding quietly ... but still there. I'm just thankful for it's new size.

It is funny how things can change so quickly ... but truthfully it didn't seem quick at the time. It felt as though happiness no longer existed in my world and would never exist again. But with the help of a therapist ... and with the help of all of you ... I do have happiness in my life again. And hope to have even more in the very near future. Many of you shared your own experiences which were eerily similar to mine. This helped me understand ... it helped me say the right things to DH ... it helped me realize that there was still a chance that this wasn't "the end".

I know this isn't over ... and I suspect many more bumps in my road before it is over. So it's very likely that I will need more love and support from all of you before you know it. But let me tell you how reassuring it is to know you are all here. Thank you all so very much.

It's hard for me to believe, but here I am ... still in the game ... and I am so very very thankful for this one last shot.

*total body cleanse ... sounds so ominous! But it's just drops that we add to our water ... we drink this for 30 days. I'm not sure it will help cleanse toxins from our bodies or if it's all BS, but I figure there is certainly nothing to lose!