Walking Through The Darkness

Sorry that your DH has changed his mind about having a family. If he truly won't reconsider his decision, it sounds like you may have some tough decisions to make yourself. Good luck.

((((HUGS)))

With some time you will find your answers, I am so sorry but then again it is better to know how your DH thinks and not be surprised later on.

Caro

I am so very sorry! It's hard when DH is not on the same page as you. I hope that you can find peace somehow...

Big Hugs. Hang in there.

Oh, honey. My heart is breaking for you, I can only imagine how you feel right now. I think counseling is a good place to start, though. Don't look at it as trying to change anyone's mind, it's just a way to figure out what future is best for both of you and how to get there. DH may be super afraid that he'd be a bad Dad or he may truly not want a child. You may decide that you aren't willing to sacrifice and stop trying, whether that means with or without DH. A third party can help you both figure out the motives and best path because you DO deserve to be happy.

Wow. I'm crying as I read this. You are in a really tough position right now and you're going to have to make a life-altering decision. My heart goes out to you.

Oh sweetie, I actually feel sick to my stomach and teary eyed b/c I know how much pain you are in. I agree that counseling is a good place to start since it's not meant to change a person's mind but help the 2 of you decide what is best for you as a couple. I personally think there are a variety of reasons he's so afraid of becoming a father & a professional can help the 2 of you sort through the issues. I think it's promising that he's willing to seek counseling w/you since it shows he loves you and wants to find a "happy place." I wish I could hug you in person.

Wow, what a curveball and at such a terrible time. It makes me wonder why he was willing to go through so many expensive procedures with you if he was really not wanting a child. So maybe 3boys2luv is right- maybe he's just afraid. Regardless, I agree that you should seek counseling. Both individual and couples counseling, and probably individual first (maybe just a few sessions) to sort out YOUR feelings about everything prior to discussing it with DH. I'll be thinking about you!

I've been there. TRULY I have . . . I know that sick feeling, the puffy eyes, the horribleness of it all. I remember the date and the time when our conversation happened: September 12, 2001, at 11:39 PM. No kidding. And in our case, dh said, point-blank, "I'm thinking of divorcing you, because I don't want kids and you do, and I'm done with this."

And I was much like you . . . I wanted what I wanted, but what I wanted was DH'S child--not some other man's child. So two days later I called a counseling agency, we started counseling, and I worked . . . and I mean WORKED HARD . . . at finding the positives in a life without a child. Our first counseling place didn't work out; they put us with an intern who, after talking with us together for 40 minutes, essentially turned to me and said, "Look, you're just going to have to get over this whole thing. You aren't going to have kids. Deal with it." Dh loved him, I hated him, and we had a call from the center a week later saying they were switching our counselor and that we could have our first appointment with him THREE MONTHS later. I told them that would be unnecessary, as my marriage couldn't wait three months, and I hung up and found another counseling center. I will say the counselor tended to focus the bulk of it on me--individual sessions for the most part. He was AWESOME. He had zero experience with infertility, but he did all kinds of research and worked really hard to get a grasp on the complexities of treatment. He taught me especially, but also dh, some strategies for communicating that we still use to this day. But that was a long process, too. Six months, I think? Maybe more?

It's horrible. It's awful. I lost sleep. I lost weight (initially--and then gained weight, becaues it was a comfort thing). I wanted it to be all better, and be all better NOW.



It's a horrible alone feeling . . . but many of us have gone through this. Please . . . pm me if you want, even if you just need a place to vent. Your heart is breaking, and legitimately so. It's not just grieving this, but it's all the "could've beens" that you're grappling with, the "if's" and "should I's" and "could I's" and "would I's."

Pardon the expression, but it sucks. Big time.

Please take a deep breath, lots of big, deep breaths, and do this: do one thing every day, one simple, small thing, for yourself. Bubble bath. Ten minutes in a good book. For right now, it may be just going through the motions. But do something that you know logically is taking care of yourself, FOR YOU, and not for anyone else. It really will help, even if in just some small way.

I agree that counseling is a good place to start. It isn't about changing someone's mind. It's about working together to go through all his emotions and all your emotions, and determine what path is best for you, him, and you both as a couple.

I mean, it COULD be that he isn't scared of fatherhood, but he is just sick of the emotional roller coaster, and he now connects those feelings with having a baby.

I think it is worth trying.

If after counseling, you both feel the same way you do now, you have to determine what to do next.

I know for ME, if someone I loved wanted to keep me from realizing the most important dream of my entire life, I'd have to walk away, no matter how much I loved him. If I didn't, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. But that's me.

You need the counseling, so you can really work through everything you are feeling. TTC, IF, and the desperation you feel as you go through the process dramatically impact your emotions, and tangle them all up. You need to untangle them, and so does your DH.

to you, my friend. I hope you get answers, and get to a place where you feel you are doing the right thing, no matter what place that ends up being.

Crystal

So many others have said what I would have said. I just want to reinforce that couseling can be wonderful...and like tle said, to make sure you have the right counselor... one who might be able to help you (both) uncover some of the underlying fears about moving forward. Being stuck is as bad as being heartbroken...but being stuck AND heartbroken has got to be the hardest thing to walk through. I am so sad to read this. I hate that infertility has caused another couple more heartache and crisis.

I am so sad for you and as Vacation says feel teary-eyed. How truly awful to have two paths ahead of you and being able to choose neither and to feel so alone (whilst choosing neither path) because now you no longer have your DH to depend on in this difficult quest.

Just wanted to re-iterate what everyone else has said about counselling. It can be amazing but you need to find the right person with enough experience and ability to help you navigate between you and your Dh's different wants and needs whilst nurturing the love you have for each other. Who knows why your Dh doesn't want a baby? It may be something (a fear, an irrational worry, an association with the pain of treatment and IF?) that can be fixed, you never know. I do hope so. And if it transpires that he doesn't want one because he simply doesn't want one then counselling can help you deal with that and make the transition into a new phase of life - whatever it is.

Just wanted to say again how sad I am that you feel that you no longer have a place on the boards. Please know that you have so much love and support from people here, and even if you cannot post it is out there for you whenever you need it.