by, 02-18-2011 at 08:05 AM (973 Views)
I feel like I'm writing the last chapter of my ttc journey. And this is literally the end for me.
Last night, I had an unplanned talk with DH. It started about money and how DH is happy that our debts will soon be paid off to the clinic ...
DH - "I'm glad that's the last of the money we'll be spending there".
And I'm thinking "Well, we might not be spending as MUCH as we have in the past, but IUI's still cost money".
Instead, I said "You sound so happy that our ttc'ing is almost over ... and I'm devastated for the very same reason".
That opened up this can of worms.
DH - "The more I think about it, the more I don't want this. Every cycle, I feel more and more sick, thinking that it might actually work. It doesn't feel right to me ... this is not what I want"
And so we talked, while the tears literally streamed down my face. The bottom line? He wants to spend the rest of his life with ME. Just me. Him and I, taking care of each other. I told him I didn't think that was enough for me, that I don't think I can ever truly be happy without a baby.
He said he was hoping that I would eventually just give up, but that it didn't look like that was happening. He WANTS me to just give up.
Just hearing him say how he feels sick thinking that we COULD get pg, I thought "what the h*ll are we doing here?" Every day of my life is spent fighting for our baby and at the same time, DH is cringing at the thought that we could actually have a baby. I mean, how could two people love each other and be at such different ends of the spectrum?
So I didn't sleep a wink ... my eyes are puffy, my head is aching, my stomach feels sick and my heart is broken into a million pieces.
There are three times in my life that I can think of where I thought I would die, my heart hurt so much.
1) when my Dad died
2) when I miscarried
3) last night's conversation with DH
I realized that there is nothing we can do. He won't change his mind ... he can't change his mind. He wants what he wants. And I fear I will always resent him for shutting this door. Because I want what I want.
He agreed to counseling, but said "who's mind will the counselor try to change?" and he's got a point. I'm not sure counseling can really help us. It seems like there are only two options.
1) I accept living child-free and try to find happiness, just the two of us
2) I leave DH to pursue a different path to motherhood
I choose neither. I want a baby, yes. But I want DH's baby. I want a family. But I want DH to be part of that family.
So I don't know where that leaves me. I am a mess. I don't feel I truly belong anywhere. I had a home here on FT for a very long time and met wonderful women who I consider friends. But these friends have either become mothers, are planning their next cycles or perhaps looking at their alternative paths to parenthood.
But me, I no longer have any of that. DH doesn't even want to do the IVF cycle at our clinic that we have already paid for. So where do I belong? Is there a group for people who can't have a baby because their partner hates the thought? A group for people who have sh*tty eggs and sh*tty odds, but are no longer in the game because their partner feels sick at the thought of becoming a Dad?
I've never felt more alone.
I feel like this is the day that I dreaded for all these years.
I feel like this is the end.