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SNGLMombyChoice

still...

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SNGLMombyChoice
, 02-28-2010 at 05:35 PM (398 Views)
I feel like I'm running out of things to say on my blog. Nothing has changed... everything still hurts.

Physically the bleeding has stopped but I'm still cramping and my breasts are still quite sore, just as sore as they were at the beginning of my pregnancy. Not sure when that will end.

Emotionally I'm still a wreck. When will I start to feel better? The days just drag on and I still spend the better part of my days crying and feeling hopeless. Is this normal? Shouldn't I be feeling better by now? I still feel stunned and shocked that I'm not pregnant any more. I'm hurt and angry.

I go back to the counselor tomorrow so maybe she can help me to figure out a way to get past this. Friday's beta came back at 250. I have no idea if that is a good number or not. That was exactly one week from the D & C so I don't know if it should have been to zero yet or not? RE is concerned about the breast tenderness and is worried it may mean the D & C was not complete. My cervix was really tight and he had a lot of trouble emptying my uterus.

Mom and I went to Zales today and purchased a beautiful necklace to memorialize my baby. I'll attach a photo if I can. I just wanted to do something so it wouldn't be as if this baby never existed. I will never stop loving her and I will never forget.

My sister is anxious for me to try again but I'm scared. I can't imagine going through this again. I've always wanted to be a mother but I feel like the beautiful pregnancy I always envisioned has been ruined. I will always live with the fear of losing my baby. Everything feels ruined.
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Comments

  1. pigninnie's Avatar
  2. Lois's Avatar
    The necklace is beautiful. I'm sorry you still have so many physical symptoms. I'm glad your seeing a counselor. I think it's too soon to be thinking about/deciding about trying again or not. HUGS.
  3. tle's Avatar


    There is no "right" or "wrong" in this--it just is. Don't worry about "normal" either--there is no "normal."

    The necklace is beautiful and something you will always treasure. After my first loss I bought a ring with the baby's anticipated birthstone in it. I now have a necklace with three hearts on it, with the birthstones of each of my angels. I still wear it occasionally.

    You will know if or when you're ready to do this all again. There's not a timetable for healing--each person goes at his or her own pace. Heading back into treatment because it seems like others are, or because others want you to, isn't the answer. You need to take care of YOU.

    There is no "measuring stick" for "normal" recovery. Miscarriage is not the flu. There is no "24 hours and you'll feel better." No matter how much we wish there was.

    I'm glad you're seeing the counselor. You will find your own way of sorting through this.

  4. ushma's Avatar
    i am sorry but be brave and don't lose hope.
    there is web site fertilehope you must visit. :hug
  5. BC-Shelli's Avatar
    The necklace is gorgeous....
    Don't stress over how your feeling...just let yourself feel. There is no normal.. You don't get over this...you just live with it. I am 16 years out and I miss my sweet baby everyday. It doesn't hurt as bad, but it's a part of me.
  6. Comet2010's Avatar
    Charity, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

    I think your necklace is a really beautiful reflection of your daughter and your loss. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor and taking some time off. I hope you keep writing, even if its just to keep saying how sad you feel, it's better than keeping it all inside. We're here for you!
  7. SNGLMombyChoice's Avatar
    Thanks for all the encouragement and hugs.
    I look forward to hearing from each of you. It means more to me than you could know.
  8. Beagle Momma's Avatar
    I think the necklace is beautiful and wonderful way to remember your precious baby. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

    Hugs!
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