My first ever panic attack!

A little background:

We're moving back to Arizona in a little over six weeks. We are planning on November 1st being THE big moving day- family bringing out trailers to help, etc. Some friends of ours talked about the possibility of taking their girls back home (UT) the weekend before the move and having parents watch them while they pack up and clean back here. So dh and I thought this could possibly be a good idea. We casually mentioned it to both sets parents, but didn't get much of a positive reaction from either of them. I would prefer my mom watch them, but she works. This would be the first time dh and I would be away from them overnight.

Fast forward to yesterday:

Dh talked to his mom and she said between her and my SIL (they are living with the ILs at the moment), they should be fine to help watch the kids for part of the 4 days they'd need to be there. I was thinking, thinking, thinking....., dh and I got in bed and we started talking about the whole situation. Apparently, dh's mom had all these plans about having my mom watching them for part of the time and then she'd take my kids trick-or-treating, and on and on. Um, no. Stop right there. First of all, if my kids are going to be there, I'M installing their carseats in ONE car. No one is transferring them to another car. I don't trust anyone but my dh or I to do that. Second of all, I can't stand the thought of someone else having the joy and pleasure of taking my kids trick-or-treating!!!!

Then I start to panic. I start to cry, my throat is closes up, and I can't breathe. I had to get up out of bed to get a drink and calm myself. Honestly, I was shocked at the way I reacted. I never thought it would be such a big deal to leave my kids overnight with their grandparents. I've decided that I'm way too much of a control freak when it comes to my kids. I want to have control of what and when they eat, when Gavin naps, when they go to bed. I want to make sure they are bathed and diaper changed and their teeth brushed. What if my MIL tried to take all three kids with her somewhere??!?! Heck, it's hard enough for ME to do all that and more from day to day, let alone someone who doesn't take care of kids on a daily basis!

I can't do it. I'm simply not ready for someone else to take care of my kids for four days. I'd rather my kids watch tv and eat ice cream all day while I'm trying to pack and clean. They'd be with me, though, and that's all that matters.

My biggest worries are with my MIL watching them. When we are home visiting, it's like pulling teeth to get my ILs to watch our kids. It's always, "Well, we'll have to see what we can do...." You'd think they'd be a little more willing since we live 300+ miles away. Plus, when she watched the kids while my mom and I went apartment hunting while I was in AZ last month, she hardly fed them anything for lunch and didn't bother to put Gavin down for a nap. He fell asleep on the couch 10 minutes before I came to pick them up - at 4:30pm. She was practically ready to shove them out the door when I got there. I'm not really sure I want to leave them with her for FOUR days! Granted, my SIL would be a big help with meals and sticking to a routine with the kids. I probably wouldn't be able to function at home while my kids were in her care for that long. There's a lot more I could say, but I'm going to refrain. I really do love my ILs, but I just can't do this.

Like I said before, I'd be fine *IF* my mom could watch them. My parenting style matches more of what she does. She knows how I do things. I'd have no worries that she'd be able to take care of them, feed them, bathe them, put them to bed and still be alive in the evening. But it's unlikely she'll be able to take 4 days off work.

Ugh, I just needed to vent. Deep breaths, deep breaths. At some point, I really want to be able to leave my kids overnight. In fact, I'm hoping (and planning) that dh and I can have a mini-vacation away from the kids after dh graduates! But obviously it's something I have to work up to. And I CAN do it, just not right now. Dh says that's ok. We don't have to do it and I'm thankful that he's understanding of how I feel.