pattycakemom

But now you will have insight on how my silly mind works. Hubby and I went to go see Courageous last night. It was an amazing movie and I loved it. I am very blessed that our school offers after school care and as a part of that about once a month they do a Parents Night Out from 5-10pm. Now you have to pay for it separately but it is super cheap.
i suppose it was the movie talking about father's but it gave me nightmares about my own father. Yes the only dreams about my dad are nightmares. The ironic thing is he never believed me. You see I have had nightmares about him ever since I moved out of his house. I guess I was 22 the last time he threw me out. I have been having nightmares about him for over 16 years. When we would fight after I moved out (way too often) I would tell him I still had nightmares about him but he never believed me.
So last night I am dreaming what I always dream, dad is yelling about something or another because he always yelled. Not- get your but in here yell, but - I hate everything about you- yelling. And I am listening and taking it all in and I say "Gosh dad where have you been?" and then I realize in my dream that he is dead, and he isn't yelling anymore.
When I woke up it just left me reeling. I know my dad did not like me. He has even told me that he hated me. I was wondering if it was simply because I was fat. Lord he hated that I was fat. The funny thing is that I wasn't fat the constant yelling and making me go on diets is what made me fat. In today's world where you see obese children at every single turn, all it takes is one look at my childhood pictures to see that I was not fat. Here is one of my family when I was 10. I am the fat one-lol. The one with the glasses.
I think a big part of it was I am big moral compass. I was born that way. And I knew the way we were treated by him wasn't right and I called him on it. Early. I remember at 11 years old threatening to call the police because they still whipped me with a belt. And they did beat us out of discipline. It was anger. I remember one time I bought a tiny working blender that you wound up to make it spin. We were using water and lotion to make perfume out of it. (how amazingly creative!) And my mom spanked us and she spanked my older sister so hard there were black and blue marks on her bottom. She was over age 10 at the time. (probably closer to 12 or 13)
My earliest memory of my dad is crying for him to tuck me in (I know I was age 3 or under) and him coming at me with a belt and beating me on the legs because he would not tuck me in.
Also around that age or younger I peed the bed and tried to hide it because I knew I would get in big trouble.
My early memories I have blocked so much out. So painful.
So by the time I was old enough I was telling my mom to leave my dad. As an adult I begged my mom to leave my dad. He never forgave me for that.
So maybe he hated me because I called him out on his bad behavior.
Honestly though I know it was something inside him. Something that made him so unhappy that he used his anger to hide. I know from reading my favorite anxiety book "From Panic to Power" that he suffered from anxiety and this was his coping mechanism. It doesn't make it any easier to forgive or to love him.
I loved him simply because he was my father. I just wish there were more of the good memories. I want to focus on the good memories. I want to dream of him being happy.
What no one ever tells you about forgiveness is that it is an ongoing process. Most of the time it doesn't happen over night or without plenty of work on your part. It is kind of ridiculous that you have to do all this work to forgive someone who has hurt you so badly. It is however worth all the hard work. I can't wait to get to the other side and say I have completely forgiven my father. But for now, for today, for this moment, Dad I forgive you, and I hope that you are now happy.
As for total forgiveness I hope I get there in this life.