MyraVA

And I don't know where else to put this where it would be appropriate.

I'm so sad today. Two of my fellow loss moms both got BFN's today after doing IVF. Infertility sucks but it really sucks after losing your precious babies. And there is nothing I can do or say to make it better. I have wanted to pick up the phone and call E so many times but I don't. I'm afraid Nate or Rylie will get fussy or "talk" while I'm on the phone and I just can't do that to her right now. ...

Okay, I am freaking out again. This is a little embarassing to admit but when I cough, sneeze, or laugh too hard I have this tendancy to wet my pants a little. I have just been thinking it's because of being PG. So this girl I work with tells this really funny story this AM. I got to the bathroom and it looks like there is a dime size spot in my underware that looks like light blood. So I wipe and there is no blood on the TP. But I am still freaking out anyways.

Why is this ...

Okay, I've been so sick with a bad cold for the past week that I really didn't obsess much over PG symptoms or lack of. But today I wake up and my nausea is gone. So I freak out thinking that it's over and something bad is getting ready to happen.

And of course, add the fact that we told our parents about the PG and now I'm even more paranoid that something bad is going to happen. We didn't even tell them when I got PG from my first FET after losing the boys. I guess we figured ...

Well I just got back from the u/s at my OBGYN. My OBGYN leaves early on Tuesdays but they left a note for him to call me tomorrow so that I could talk to him for a few minutes. I need to know the next move and of course, I want to see my babies again at 9 weeks to see if all is going well.

I talked to the u/s tech before doing the u/s and told her my history. It really helped. She was great and let me see the whole thing. She spent alot of time looking and measuring the babies ...

Well this is the one that we've been waiting for for so long it seems like. I'm still kind of in shock.

I am PG with twins again, we saw both heartbeats at today's ultrasound. There was also a third sack but it was half the size of the other two and appeared empty. The RE said that he wasn't concerned about it. Please pray that it is empty.

So like I said, I'm still in shock and a little scared. I just can't lose my babies again!

So I will get another ...

Well, I just went to the bathroom and had some more spotting. I have diaherrea from being so sick and went to the bathroom.

I am really starting to get upset because I feel like my sickness is causing harm to the baby. This is how my first miscarriage started.

I just have this sinking feeling. I have been very sick the past couple of days.

Why can't anything go right for me? I swear I don't know how much more of this I can take.

My DH was sick with a terrible cold that developed into an upper respiratory infection last week. Well I caught it!

I have been so sick the past few days especially the last two. My fever hasn't gotten too bad and I am taking Tylenol to keep it down. But I have a terrible cough and I am sneezing and congested like crazy. I feel terrible.

I'm so upset because I am worried that this early in the PG that I am hurting the baby. I'm so scared that there won't be a heartbeat ...

This morning while I was getting ready for work I felt some discharge. It had some kind of a color to it. I thought it might have looked pink. I woke up DH and asked him but he said he couldn't tell. It definately had color and was watery.

So I think I might be having another miscarriage. I called in sick to work because it freaked me out so bad.

All I can do is monitor it and call the doctor when the office opens.

I just don't understand why this ...

I've really been trying to be laid back about the wait for the next u/s but it is really starting to get to me. I need to know that everything is okay. I try to tell myself that whatever will be will be and there is nothing I can do about it but it doesn't help all the time.

I can't wait until 12 weeks (provided I make it that far) when the heartbeat can be picked up by a doppler, which I will rent one. Then I can listen to the heartbeat everyday and keep at least those fears down. ...

Okay, no more betas. No more hormone checks. No more ultrasounds.

For two weeks!

How am I going to survive it without going crazy?!!!

On February 8th I get to have two ultrasounds, one with the RE and one with the OBGYN. If there is a heartbeat then I will schedule an appointment with the OBGYN to talk about the cerclage and my treatment plan.

Gosh I want this to work out so badly!